METAL MEN 3 (1963)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
I think “Platinum is out of control and might destroy us all” is a good recap for several Metal Men stories.
Normally I would hesitate to believe that the readers wrote back fast enough to affect the story from one issue to the next. But this one has a cover date of September and last issue had a cover date of July, so it’s possible.
We get a FANTASTIC flashback. Look at this artwork!!!
Since her remains are on the Moon, Doc Magnus decides it’s much easier to build a new Platinum from scratch.
She looks fine to me.
The Metal Men are worried that this “new and improved” version of Platinum might cause Doc Magnus to build new versions of them that don’t suck at everything.
I miss the old Tina personality, but any robot treating Doc Magnus like crap is fine for me.
Doc is taking a ride on his flying saucer. Since it can apparently be toppled by a wind current, no wonder he never mass-produced it.
Platinum doesn’t react until Doc Magnus orders her to catch him…
…but since he didn’t order her to get him to the surface, she doesn’t.
He has to be saved by Mercury, of all robots.
Yeah, uhm, I think we can safely put this new Platinum under “complete and utter failure”.
So Doc Magnus orders her to kill herself, AND SHE DOES.
I’m not counting this as a Platinum death since she’s explicitly considered a different character, but HOLY CRAP!!!
So Doc Magnus decides to recover the body of the original Platinum from the Moon.
By using THE MOST INSANE SPACE TRAVEL SCENE I’VE EVER SEEN.
WTF JUST HAPPENED!?!?
Ross Andru is completely wasted on this book. Look at this scene!!!
And why do the robots need space suits!?!?
And it’s already time to get back! We just spent two pages on the Moon, people!
So Tina’s back, and there’s no doubt that this is the original one.
Jesus Christ, 1960s sexism, you never stop surprising me on how much awful you can be.
Apparently Doc Magnus can either:
A) build robots that follow the rules so much they would let him drown if not order to save him
B) are so bad at following instructions that can f#ck up frying eggs
Can you believe this will NOT be the last time the Metal Men will face an egg-themed enemy?
Little known fact: you can’t fry eggs on the Moon without creating monsters.
Yes there are alien microbes involved, but the Metal Men are running away from fried eggs here.
EGGS. You can’t make this stuff up!!!
Now this is just sad.
Mercury doesn’t show up in later scenes, so I’m counting this as a death.
Once again the Metal Men are completely ineffective and Doc Magnus has to save the day on his own, by blasting the eggs with a flamethrower (!!!!) to separate the alien amoebas from the eggs.
Then suddenly TIN IS BEING USEFUL!!!
The plan is to throw the amoebas back into space…
But they can’t bring them back to the Moon because Doc Magnus Bulls##t Warp Drive isn’t working.
The only solution is to strand Tin into space, where the space radiation will render the amoebas inert.
Amazingly Tin is not dead! We will follow what happened to him next issue.
I’ll give you a hint: it’s alien robots. Again.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
It’s not even the first time Doc realizes that he can’t replicate the original personalities of the Metal Men.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
JUST LOOK AT THAT SPACE FLIGHT!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Artwork aside, you can’t take any of this seriously even if you read this ironically.
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 6
Believe it or not but he doesn’t say it, so we’re still at the same number of last issue.
Times Platinum has died: 5
Times Lead has died: 7
Times Mercury has died: 8
Times Gold has died: 8
Times Iron has died: 8
Times Tin has died: 9