Comics Archeology

Action Comics #389 (1970)
by Leo Dorfman & Curt Swan

Superman has a lot of incredibly stupid stories in the 60s, but at least they’re fun and memorable.
Once he hits the 70s, when he gets stupid stories I tend to find them so forgettable that I tend to mix them together.
Not this one: it has an ending so stupid that it stuck in my head.

We begin with Superman deciding he’s going to be a baseball star.
In any other period it would sound strange, but pre-Crisis? Yeah he tends to do random stuff like that.

One of Superman’s lesser known powers is making baseballs indestructible, I guess.

The scene is set in Metropolis, so… did Babe Ruth play there? Or are there statues of him in random stadiums across the country?
Also, putting it out there first: I don’t know anything about baseball outside of what I could gather from pop culture osmosis (meaning that even I know who Babe Ruth was).

Superman ends up playing against a kid…

…and losing, because based on that trajectory I believe the kid has telekinesis.

As a guy who knows nothing about baseball, I have to ask… would ALL the three strikes be using the same exact ball, or would there be three separate balls?
Because the ending wouldn’t make much sense if separate balls are used.
Actually, let me rephrase: the ending would make EVEN LESS sense.

And that ends the baseball related part of the story, despite being on the cover.

Next he tries football in the UK.
Yeah I know the story calls it soccer, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to call it that in Italy.
Or it should be anyway.

Since Superman is not passing the ball to anyone but himself, technically this would not be a pass but a dribble.

Weirdly enough this WOULD be an entirely legal goal. The ball doesn’t even need to touch the net.

You already know what’s going to happen: most of the story is going to waste time with the same exact formula until the eventual resolution.

Superman does have a point, though. Why couldn’t he have a hobby when he’s not actively on-duty? I guess that his journalism career is treated as such for most of the Silver Age, but the public doesn’t know that.

Not that we’re going to focus on anything interesting with that concept, we have more sports to ruin.

Including made-up ones.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when the story turns completely bonkers.
Yes.
NOW.

The whole reason for why Superman had to participate in all these sports was to shoot several balls at a satellite.

Or to put it another way, Superman had to suck at sports so that sports equipment could be sucked.

And THIS ENTIRE THING was just so that Superman could have the probe analyze the air contained in those balls instead of Earth’s atmosphere.

This is where I would do my usual “guess the stupid ending routine”…

…but the twist is so mind-boggling stupid that I couldn’t POSSIBLY come up with any alternatives that could match it.

Because THIS is Superman’s plan, which he’s recording for posterity, to prevent an alien invasion:
1) create a gas that can cause mutations (!!!)
2) fill random sports equipment with it
3) replace the real equipment with the fake one

4) pretend to have developed a passion for sports
5) throw the fake equipment at the alien probe, making it look like an accident
6) have the gas mutate alien test animals
7) this will lead the aliens to avoid conquering Earth, believing that Earth’s atmosphere is what caused the mutations

Here’s what went wrong (beyond this plot being approved by an editor): the mutating gas leaked.

And that is why Superman lost to a kid: because he wanted to avoid spreading the mutating gas THAT HE CREATED.
Notice the implication that, if the ball had not been defective, Superman would have played against the kid like it was a serious match.

Rationalize it all you want, Superman, but you’re a sore loser.

Here’s a thought for the next alien invasion, Superman… maybe don’t waste time dicking around with mutating gas and just STOP THE INVASION YOURSELF?

Why do you even need that!? Yeah there’s some vague mention that the probe could explode… but Superman was warned about the arrival of the probe way before it was close to Earth!!!
Also: why even go through the trouble of making everything look accidental when it’s clear as day the aliens are NOT monitoring what you’re doing?
Because if they were monitoring you… what, did they think balls naturally fly out of Earth!?

Historical significance: 0 / STRIKE ONE

Silver Age-ness: 10 / STRIKE TWO

Does it stand the test of time? 0 / STRIKE THREE

Interesting letters: a key feature of the Silver Age was the presence of the “letterhacks”, fans who would regularly show up in the letters page. A lot of them became writers or important figures in the history of fandom.

This is a very rare occasion where there is resistance from the other readers.