LOIS LANE #015 (1960)
By Otto Binder & Kurt Schaffenberger
This is quite unusual for the time: not only it’s one of the issues that points out on the cover that this is “not a hoax, or a dream”, but it’s also a single story throughout the entire book.
It starts with a woman who randomly meets Lois Lane on a cruise ship… only she insists she’s not Lois Lane.
One night, “Jane Brown” falls overboard and is saved by Superman…
…who IMMEDIATELY reveals his secret identity AND proposes.
Understandably, she finds this a little suspicious. A little less understandably, she demands a courtship.
Which includes STEALING A RING FROM AN UNDISCOVERED PYRAMID.
…and recreating the gown of Helen of Troy WITH SUPER-WEAVING.
One: that’s not a power.
Two: Superman will actually meet Helen a couple of years later.
So… these are pretty over-the-top gifts, but you know there’s more.
What could possibly top Cleopatra’s ring and Helen’s gown?
FLOWERS FROM THE LITERAL GARDEN OF EDEN.
And no, he doesn’t travel through time to get there! Not only the Garden of Eden really exists, but IT’S STILL AROUND.
Does this mean the Bible is canon within the DC Silver Age!?
Let’s move on because we have SO much stupid to cover.
Like them marrying on some unnamed island where the groom drinks from a giant cup.
And that’s the end of part 1. It’s presented as a complete story, but nothing really happened except the wedding.
Part 2: the honeymoon to the Niagara of Space.
Which I fully expected to be just a copy of Niagara Falls on a random planet, but it’s a little more creative than that: it’s made of molten metal.
The rest of the honeymoon include a visit to a memorial to Superman’s parents and to some drawings he made on some random moons.
Superman really loves defacing planets, doesn’t he?
Once the honeymoon is over, they reach their new house… on Venus.
Lucky for her it’s not the REAL Venus, where it rains sulfuric acid and it’s hot enough to melt lead.
He has more surprises: a robot maid called “Miss Jingles”, a Venus Canary that sings a dozen songs at once (that must sound TERRIBLE), and a signal-watch.
And of course aliens immediately try to kidnap her, leading him to vow to find a way to give her super-powers.
But that’ll have to wait because she’s ready to give birth LITERALLY THE NEXT PANEL.
I feel like we skipped something important, but the comic prefers to stress that this random planet is called “Urth”.
Anyway, super-babies!
And he finally gets around to finish the super-serum that makes her a super-woman.
Now that she is the most powerful woman in the universe, she can use her almighty powers to… be a housewife.
And checking on her husband while he’s cheating on her with Lana Lang!
She’s understandably pissed.
And so we get to the third and last “chapter” of this story, with the super-wife taking the children to Urth while their father stays on Earth.
Except…
Yes. The entire thing was a stupid misunderstanding based on the pronunciation of a made-up word.
And so we get to the ending.
Now… the cover promised us that this wasn’t a dream or an imaginary story. And that Superman and Lois Lane were not robots.
But you also know that Superman didn’t marry Lois Lain in 1960, so… did you guess the trick?
Yep! The husband and the wife were not really Superman and Lois Lane!
The cover promised a super-wedding. It didn’t say anything about Superman OR Lois getting married.
The husband is actually Van-Zee, a Kryptonian from the Bottle City of Kandor who fell in love with Lois Lane.
Who just happened to be wearing a Superman costume while the real Superman was running experiments to restore Kandor to its original size.
Conveniently, Superman can’t replicate the circumstances leading to Van-Zee growing to human size, so Kandor stays in the bottle.
And since Van-Zee is in love with Lois, he asks Superman permission to court her… which Superman does.
I would make a joke about Lois Lane being a dreadful human being in the Silver Age, but surprisingly she DOESN’T fall for Van-Zee just because he looks like Superman.
Good for her! It sucks for Van-Zee, though. It’s not like he can immediately run into a woman who looks exactly like Lois and is ready to leave her life behind because she doesn’t want to get married to an old rich guy.
Right?
And then the comic congratulates itself by pointing out that the husband and wife were never called Superman and Lois throughout the entire issue.
I think it’s a bit much, but I do appreciate the effort.
We also learn that Lana Lang didn’t kiss Van-Zee: she kissed the real Superman.
And so Van-Zee and Sylvia (the wife’s real name) go back to Kandor with their kids to live happily ever after, while Lois drinks the serum that gives her powers.
For about ten seconds.
So… a happy ending!
As long as you are Van-Zee or Sylvia. If you are Lois Lane, you’re probably wondering if it’s time to hit the bottle.
Historical significance: 6/10
Believe it or not, this story HAS consequences! That NEVER happens in this period!
Not only Van-Zee will return again, but he will repeatedly act as a double for Superman (naturally) and most famously will become one of Kandor’s heroes under the codename Nightwing.
Silver Age-ness: 4/10
Aside from the weird use of superpowers, it’s a little more grounded in reality than the DC usual. Which probably says more about Silver Age DC than about this comic, but…
Does it stand the test of time? 6/10
The body doubles and the way married life is handled haven’t aged particularly well, but the characters are acting surprisingly realistic. Lois doesn’t fall for Van-Zee just because he looks like Superman, and while Sylvia does fall in love with him it’s not because of his powers.
Van-Zee doesn’t come out as good, asking Sylvia to marry him only because she’s a Lois double. And while Superman is still stuck in his “can’t get married” era, he’s really supportive of Van-Zee and doesn’t object to him pursuing Lois.
In conclusion: you couldn’t really do this story today, but it’s written much better than you’d expect.
That shouldn’t be a superpower
“Super-weaving”, Van-Zee? Really? REALLY?
That should be a crime
It’s sweet that you’re stealing a precious artifact as an engagement ring, Van-Zee, but it’s still stealing.