METAL MEN 17 (1965)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
According to the cover, the Metal Men always wanted Doc Magnus to marry Tina.
Considering they constantly call her crazy for being in love with a human, that’s a bit much.
We begin with Tina once again stalking Doc and assaulting his human love interest, whatshername.
You can tell this is meant for kids because “anything she can do a robot can do better” doesn’t go the way you might otherwise think.
Last time she tried to murder whatshername, but since now she’s going after Doc I don’t mind as much.
As much as I tend to defend Tina, she’s definitely a psycho.
Not that Doc is any more sane.
Of course the only logical way a robot would react would be to consult a robotic fortune teller.
And then SUDDEN ALIEN INVASION!
The Metal Men try unsuccessfully to stop the aliens, but that’ll have to wait because Tin has been cured of his stammering! For a grand total of 1 panel, but hey, it’s a start.
We already saw that Doc’s car has bazookas, so is anyone surprised it can fly?
Stop trying to develop a personality, Lead. It’s not working.
(also I have no idea what the heck he’s talking about)
Turns out the giant spider web causes the buildings to disappear… and the Metal Men don’t really give a damn.
We interrupt this science fiction story to bring you a 1950s sitcom.
Doc finally decides to get back into action, probably to avoid more of Tina’s lethal cooking.
And what do you know, he has finally updated the flying saucer to add a roof!
“I know what we should do: crash!” is not often the solution.
Turns out the webs teleport victims to another planet, as they discover when they crash “like a pizza committing kamikaze”. (WTF!?)
We interrupt this comic book to bring you Robot Starship Troopers.
I get the feeling Ross Andru isn’t very interested in the series anymore. He used to at least give us some creative use of the Metal Men powers, but lately they keep transforming into the same things over and over again.
Lead has gone from being completely superfluous to actually hurt the mission. Great job, Lead.
This could’ve been an interesting twist if it wasn’t spoiled both on the cover and on the teaser page.
Mercury has his priorities straight.
Remember when I said it’s clear this is meant for kids? That’s good, because once the male spiders show up I really don’t want to think what this would mean for a more adult comic.
The girls trick the spiders into releasing the team from the web, and see what I meant about Andru getting lazy?
I still have no clue why Robot Black Widow wants to marry Doc, by the way. She said she wanted to eat the robots, but I doubt that’s the same reason.
Also: good to know that Tina has at least SOME concept of consent.
Well, at least until they get back to the ship.
There is no shortage of Tina images perfectly suitable for a commentary.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
Silver Age-ness: 1012/10
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10 
Planet of evil robots: 10
Adding the planet of evil robot spiders.
Issues when not a single Metal Man dies: 4
Interesting letters: asking the real questions here.
I can see why they kept her Nameless.
If Tina had a girlfriend named “robotoy” this would become a VERY different kind of comic book ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
This comic hurts my brain. Why and how would a bunch of robots with shapeshifting capabilities, including one who never shuts up about being liquid, get trapped by spider webs? The answer, of course, is given away by Kanigher in the final caption when he calls the Metal Men “ad-lib adventures.” There’s no planning here, no real plotting, just a bunch of concepts thrown against the wall with no concern as to whether they “stick” or not. Kanigher was one of the most prolific comics writers of all time, so that might explain it. They can’t all be winners.
Kanigher’s Metal Men stories are fascinating fever dreams. Easily one of the most unpredictable writers in comic book history…I still can’t believe this is the same Kanigher of Sgt.Rock