Dazzler #15

Dazzler #15 (1982)
by Danny Fingeroth & Frank Springer
cover by Bill Sienkiewicz

Sienkiewicz is the guest artist for the cover, and he knows exactly what kind of series this is.

Dazzler is in San Francisco this time. And the drummer from her band is NOT constantly eating! How are we supposed to remember he’s fat if he’s not eating anything!?

Dazzler’s career is all over the place. Just two issues ago she was stuck delivering singing telegrams, but now she’s opening a big concert!

She’s not opening for Springsteen, but for the jerkass Bruce Harris that was introduced last issue.

I’m not sure if the crowd is cheering because of her singing, because she’s a hot woman in a skintight suit, or because of her ability to constantly dislocate her hips.

(also: that doesn’t count for the GO FOR IT! count since Dazzler doesn’t say it, but this confirms it’s her concert catchphrase)

Speaking of last issue: remember how Dazzler found her mother’s brooch, before the subplot completely vanished?
The following day she sees an image identical to that brooch on a van and she immediately goes into full conspiracy mode.

She then decides to investigate by… calling a random woman with the same name of her mother.
SHOCKINGLY, it turns out it’s just a teenager with the same name of a woman who lived years ago on the other side of the country.

She’s not exactly Batman, but she does have a secret weapon: continuity!

Yep, that’s the framing device for the Spider-Woman team-up, since she’s a private investigator.

And she knows exactly what kind of series this is.

I just love the fact that Spider-Woman is just bored by this subplot.

But she still has to pay the bills, so she takes the job. And while I don’t know anything about singing contracts… how is Dazzler still THIS broke after opening a big concert?

Despite the fact that A) she spent her last dollars to pay a private investigator B) she really sucks at this, Dazzler then decides to carry out the investigation herself.
You know I’m starting to think Dazzler is kind of dumb.

Spider-Woman is making some progress in the investigation, but BY SHEER LUCK Dazzler managed to beat her. Now that’s embarrassing.

The clues lead to a new skyscraper currently under construction, and Dazzler… oh for crying out loud, could you possibly suck more!?

Spider-Woman tracks her down, and she’s understandably upset at Dazzler for interfering with the investigation.

You might expect this to turn into a big dumb catfight…

…but nope: it’s a DOGfight!

Dazzler… you’ve faced Doctor Doom, Nightmare and FREAKING GALACTUS, and NOW you freeze!?!?

It’s rare for me to praise the artwork in this series… in fact it’s possible I’ve never done so… but Spider-Woman’s fight with the dogs is genuinely well done!
(don’t worry about the dogs, they’re explicitly just stunned)

They move to the next room… which immediately gets filled with water.
I really wouldn’t put it past this series if this turns out to be an elaborate plot just to get Dazzler in a wet shirt.

On the upside, if the artwork gets any more out of control she can probably use her boobs as floatation devices.

They can’t even use the stairs because they’ve been electrified, so this is definitely a trap.
How the heck did Dazzler suspect the stairs were electrified!?

Naturally this isn’t a problem with Spider-Woman around.

The next room is ALSO a trap, but Dazzler has a way to save herself from the poison gas… rip her shirt.

And then SUDDEN ROBOTS!!!

This freaking series, man…

But wait, there’s ANOTHER trap waiting for them: the room is about to crush them!

And so the day is saved by Spider-Woman singing Sinatra. SERIOUSLY.

Only on Dazzler, folks. Only on Dazzler.

At least they’re successful: here’s the prize!

Aaaaand it turns out it was a complete waste of time because they just stumbled into a S.H.I.E.L.D. training facility that has absolutely nothing to do with Dazzler’s mom.

Yes, sure. The Dazzler from this series would totally pass the tests to become an agent.

Sounds legit.

I absolutely love the fact that Spider-Woman ends her first team-up with Dazzler with an abysmal opinion of her.

Dazzler significance: 0/10
She’ll meet Spider-Woman again, but it’s not like the two are close.

Silver Age-ness: 10/10
There’s almost a Jimmy Olsen level of incompetence on display on Dazzler’s part, plus the day is saved by singing Sinatra!!!

Does it stand the test of time? 3/10
Spider-Woman isn’t half bad, and there’s some meta commentary on her calling out Dazzler’s idiocy… but that’s about it.

Obligatory underwear shot: 18
Not counting the fanservice of Dazzler’s civilian outfit, otherwise it’s literally half the story.
Even Spider-Woman gets into the fanservice action!