LOIS LANE #34 (1962)
Writer: unknown
Penciler: Kurt Schaffenberger
It’s pretty telling that Superman’s reaction to seeing Lois married to his worst enemy isn’t “I hope she’s okay”, but instead “I better find a woman who doesn’t marry my worst enemy”.
This is an imaginary story that begins with Lex kidnapping Lois with his spaceship, so nothing out of the ordinary there.
Lex’s genius plan is to keep her hostage on a planet full of weird telepaths…
…who have the power to turn him into a good person by massaging his scalp.
It’s so effective that Lex turns himself in, going so far as to help put his entire gang in prison.
As you can see, Lois is really into this new Lex.
We often joke about how ineffective the prisons in Gotham City are at keeping Batman’s villains locked up, but the Metropolis prison system sucks a lot more.
At least this time Lex doesn’t build anything in prison, but instead uses a remote control to his arsenal. That’s SLIGHTLY more believable.
This proves that Lex has reformed, and he’s even pardoned.
At this point Lex has completely fallen in love with Lois. But in a shocking example of realism, she doesn’t feel the same way!
Possibly because Lex is coming across as extremely creepy, especially with that “I worship you”.
But don’t think too highly of Lois, because next she JUMPS OFF A CLIFF because she’s late for work (!!!!) and expects Superman to save her (!!!!).
And she almost breaks her head against the rocks (!!!!).
Lex has a device that can save her life and repair her brain damage.
I wonder if it’s only going to cure her LATEST brain damage, or whatever happened to her to make it sound like a good idea to jump off a cliff to basically beat traffic.
I mean, how can you marry someone who doesn’t save your life when you do something superhumanly stupid?
Then we have one of the most bizarre moments in this series (AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING): Lois explaining to Lex that it doesn’t matter if he’s old, fat and bald.
Which are all good points, of course, but it’s odd because this comes out of nowhere.
(also, way to throw shade at Sinatra!)
Superman’s reaction to the wedding is HILARIOUS:
“Lois, what the heck, I was only gone for a couple of days!”
So far this was pretty standard stuff for this period, but this is when the story goes INSANE.
First of all we have a time skip, with Luthor becoming a billionaire by selling robots.
There’s a lot to unpack here.
The fact that this is SPECIFICALLY a robot for housewives.
The fact that Luthor could’ve done this YEARS ago and make money legally.
The fact that Superman could’ve done this YEARS ago, instead of building his army of super-robots.
The fact that Superman’s hypocrisy IS CALLED OUT.
And just for fun, Luthor basically solves the energy crisis on a whim!
With Lois now lost forever, Superman turns to Lana Lang and proposes.
“Will you marry me, Lana? You’re kind of good enough if I can’t get Lois”.
How romantic.
We then jump fifteen years, and Lois has put on some weight.
At least until Lex gives her eternal youth (!!!!) even if it means he can only give it to her.
Remind me again why it’s supposed to be a bad idea if Lois marries Lex?
Oh, right, it’s because their son grows up to be a dick.
This is Larry Luthor, and he’s fascinated by Lex’s criminal past.
Larry’s character is basically “But moooom, I want to be a supervillain!”.
He even breaks some of his friends out of the lazily named Space Alcatraz.
Lex teleports himself to Space Alcatraz, where he sacrifices himself to stop his criminal son.
But since “Larry Luthor” really doesn’t have a ring to it, he goes by the nickname “Black Luthor”.
You might think this is when we follow Superman fighting Black Luthor, but nope!
The story is over.
What the… how is this her fault!?!?
Historical significance: 0/10
I guess this story wasn’t very popular because despite the ending practically begging for it I don’t think we ever got a sequel.
UPDATE: it really did get a sequel, so I’m bumping this up to a 2/10 significance.
Silver Age-ness: 5/10
All things considered, only slightly less silly than what we usually get.
Does it stand the test of time? 4/10
If we had stopped at the time skip, this could’ve easily been a 7/10. But then Larry had to ruin everything. The idea of Luthor reforming and becoming the greatest human being ever could work, especially if we get to explore how great his genius could be for mankind. But Larry is just too one-dimensional and frankly uninteresting. Still, points for calling out Superman’s awfulness and Lois Lane’s stupidity like never before.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
Jumping off a cliff to get to work in time has to be in the hall of fame of the worst decisions ever.