JIMMY OLSEN 76 (1964)
“Elastic Lad Jimmy and His Legion Romances!” by Jerry Siegel & John Forte
“The Goose with the Golden Eggs!” by unknown & Curt Swan
So, uhm… this exists.
I never want to hear about Jimmy’s “adorable inches” ever again.
We begin decently enough: Jimmy is trying to impress Lucy by faking having expensive tastes and she laughs at his face.
Can the whole story be about Lucy being mean to Jimmy because he sucks at everything? Please?
Also: what kind of life does Lucy have!? She’s supposed to be a stewardess but she knows every single big name actor and even sultans!
I swear we never see Lucy have ANY fun in a date with Jimmy.
Wait a second… Jimmy has a Time Monitor that he keeps in his living room!? It’s not surprising since he’s friends with a guy who builds do-it-yourself time machines, but come on!!!
However their date is interrupted by the Legion of Super-Heroes, recruiting Jimmy Olsen because he’s a honorary member.
They summoned Jimmy because everybody else is busy doing interesting stuff…
…while Jimmy has to do enough super-feats before “tomorrow”, otherwise he loses his membership.
Wait wait wait. “Tomorrow”?
WHAT TOMORROW!?!? Jimmy is from 1,000 years in the past! HOW IS THIS AN EMERGENCY!?
Jimmy has to help the three girls during separate adventures. First he helps Triplicate Girl stop a thief from stealing an alien artifact.
You know, if Jimmy can do THIS with his fingers, the fact that Lucy never asks him to take the Elastic Lad serum is the true sign that their relationship is doomed. Just saying.
This is enough to win over Triplicate Girl, however.
Next he helps Light Lass save a monorail from derailing.
You know where this is going.
Next he has to help Saturn Girl tame some animals who have escaped from the Interplanetary Zoo.
Ah, John Forte reaction shots of Saturn Girl, I missed you.
Jimmy’ solution is… uhm… something.
Aaand here we go.
Not the Legion’s proudest moment.
OR IS IT?
Yep! Trolling friends and allies is a honored tradition from the Legion! After all, they learned it from Superman.
Except…
I think we can all agree that this is a perfect happy ending.
Jimmy being adored by three super-heroines was a little unbelievable.
Let’s continue with something more realistic.
We begin with Jimmy Olsen mountain-climbing and ending up in a magician’s cave. As you do.
That pitcher is the solution to water shortages, but I bet anything that Butterfingers Jimmy drops it immediately and breaks it.
Next: a goose that lays golden eggs.
But what is the magic word? Jimmy tries a few, including “Open Sesame”… something he should know shouldn’t work because he learned the origin of that story two issues ago.
Jimmy’s solution is to READ THE ENTIRE DICTIONARY to find the right word.
I know what you are thinking.
And the answer is “nothing”, because the golfer uses the “magic word” and Jimmy doesn’t even notice.
Yep. The magic word is “for”.
What kind of assignment is this!?
For some reason, the police doesn’t want a random grown-ass man holding a goose to play with children.
Aaaaand Jimmy loses the goose.
Jimmy goes after the goose with the Planet’s helicopter (!!!).
Somebody call the authorities, please, this is animal cruelty!
If these eggs are solid gold, THIS GUY SHOULD BE DEAD.
Jimmy still can’t figure out the magic word, meaning that for at the very least an entire day he NEVER uses the word “for”.
Perry White, despite knowing that the goose really does lay golden eggs, assigns Jimmy a story on a submarine.
Well at least they’re not going to let him keep the ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Jimmy brought a freaking goose on a submarine!? A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE!?
The goose flies away and THE CAPTAIN CALLS HER BACK WITH A MEGAPHONE.
Only now Jimmy Olsen figures out the magic word.
However they can’t call back the goose, no matter how extensive the search.
Just take a moment to appreciate the fact that the crew of A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE is now busy looking for a goose.
Having lost the goose, Jimmy visits Lucy’s parents for dinner. Eating roast goose.
You know where this is going.
Yep! The goose flew ACROSS THE OCEAN to find Jimmy, only to be eaten.
How amazing is it that this isn’t the dumbest Jimmy Olsen story I’ve covered?
Historical significance: 0/10
In my headcanon, the first story explains why we’ll eventually stop seeing Jimmy in Legion stories. Sadly, there’s nothing official on the subject.
Silver Age-ness
First story: 5/10
Just your average monthly dose of stupid.
Second story: 10/10
Not that a goose laying golden eggs is particularly silly for the Silver Age, but everything surrounding her is.
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: 0/10
Despite having many of the best Lucy insults to Jimmy, this does the Legion no favors.
Second story: 0/10
I can see the premise in a cartoon. Just not one aimed at a viewer older than five. Sure you CAN adapt it, but as a girl from Titan once said:
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
First story: you have a Time Monitor in your living room and THAT’S how you use it!?
Second story: oh where do I begin? Forgetting about the pitcher, reading every word of the dictionary to find the magic word, losing the goose multiple times… the possibilities are just as endless as the stupidity!
Time travel doesn’t work that way
Jimmy’s deadline makes absolutely no sense, just like him being a honorary member.
Interesting letters: I can’t believe that a story about a time traveling Jimmy Olsen is legally implausible.
Also a letter from soon-to-be Legion writer E. Nelson Bridwell about Jimmy being poisoned.
Don’t get your hopes up for Bridwell’s Legion stories… Jimmy doesn’t die there.