Lois Lane #59

LOIS LANE #59 (1965)
“Lois Lane’s Romance with Jor-El!” by  Otto Binder & Kurt Schaffenberger
“Superman and Batman’s Joke on Lois Lane!” by unknown & Curt Swan

If you enjoy stories where Lois Lane is completely insane, you’re going to LOVE this one.
It’s the one where she almost becomes Superman’s mother.

Points for one hell of a starting point: Superman finding Lois Lane in the Phantom Zone.

We flashback to Lois attending a scientific lecture about the Anti-Nuclear Ray ™, a device that prevents planets from exploding.
Laugh all you want, but has YOUR planet exploded? Then how do you know it doesn’t work?

That gives her an idea, so she goes to Professor Potter to use his time machine.
Look at the design! It’s official for me, the Legion’s Time Bubble is based on Potter technology.

She also gets Kryptonian clothing (including anti-gravity boots; it’s rare to see writers remember that Krypton has super-gravity!) and a book to teach her the language.

We’re all gonna die, aren’t we?

Apparently Kryptonese is so easy that you can learn the language while you’re on your time machine. (WTF?)

Lois immediately finds Superman’s father Jor-El, because of course she does, while he’s busy studying the Fire Falls.

She’s not going to tell him that Krypton is going to explode because otherwise he’ll think she’s a crackpot (even if Jor-El is going to be the only one to believe that? WHAT?), so instead she gives him the plans for the anti-planet-exploding-thing.

This is one of the best moments of the Silver Age: Lois Lane going back in time to save Krypton only to rub it on Superman’s face.
And she DOESN’T realize that the fact that if Krypton doesn’t explode Superman won’t reach Earth!!!

But wait, it gets even better! Since she’s stranded on Krypton…

…she decides that if she can’t marry Superman, she’ll become his mother instead!

I’m, uhm… I’m not going to touch that one.

More shenanigans!

Shenanigans, I tell you!

At least Jor-El and Lara have figured out Lois pretty quickly.

As a reminder: Lois was in love with this guy’s son like two days ago.

Don’t you just wish Superman inherited more of his mother’s attitude?

But no, he’ll turn out to be The Worst, so his father was also a scumbag.

It seems that Krypton is going to be saved after all! Except…

This means that Krypton will be destroyed after all. Lois could try to help Jor-El convince more people to leave the planet, but instead she’s only worried about the time machine.

Which is fixed by the electrical snow of the Fire Falls. (multiple WTFs!?)

But before she can return home, she has to make Lara think that she’s gone insane.

Now… we are at the very last page. You could, COULD end it right here.

But no, Lois Lane has to do… THIS.

If you think Lois should be arrested for this… SHE IS: Jor-El is randomly testing his Phantom Zone projector and by sheer luck it strikes her time machine!!!

Superman rescues her in the present, which means that Lois Lane has been trapped in the Phantom Zone for… what, twenty years? Thirty?

And ONLY NOW she realizes what she did!!!

So, uhm… what did you think of the story?

Yeah that’s about right.

Let’s try to regain SOME sanity with the second story, shall we? It begins with Superman saving Lois, so we’re in familiar territory.

Except that he then turns into Bruce Wayne!

I see that we’re still in the “insane Lois” phase.

And yes that really WAS Bruce Wayne, filling in for Superman while he’s in space.
I would question why Superman needs him when he already has his robots, Supergirl and the Kandorians, but I’m more concerned about how the hell did Batman know that Lois Lane was drowning in a random lake!?

Lois Lane takes the knowledge about Superman’s real identity just like you’d expect.

“I practiced this wide-eyed look of amazement”. I have no words.

While snooping around Wayne Manor, she also discovers that Superman sleeps with occasionally helps Batman. Yeah, that’s the first thing anyone thinks by finding a stranger’s clothes in another closet.

“Nothing intrigues the much-pursued male like disinterest in him”, says the woman who constantly bothers the world’s most envied man even when he never shows interest in her.

While on a date they spot a couple of criminals and follow them…

…to quickly get captured.

Good thing they put Bruce Wayne inside the same refrigerated cell that held the fur coats. (WTF?)

I’m pretty sure that whenever we aren’t shown what Lois is thinking, in her head she’s constantly going “marry me, marry me, marry me”.

Lois has already decided to marry Bruce Wayne, who agrees. But ominously they are watched over by The Worst.

I swear the marriage industry of Metropolis is insane. This is what, the thirtieth time Lois marries someone!? At some point SOMEONE is going to decline attending her wedding!!!

Not Superman, though!

But don’t forget, Lois is supposed to be a world-class journalist! How is Batman going to get away from this one?

You can practically hear the laugh track over this.

And you wonder why there are so many Superman analogues written as complete psychopaths…

Historical significance
First story: ◉_◉
Second story: 0/10
I have no words.

Silver Age-ness
First story: ∞/10
Yes, a tie with the previous record holder!
Second story: 10/10
Don’t let the fact that Superman is The Worst distract you from the awfulness of Batman.

 Does it stand the test of time?
First story: ಠ_ಠ
Second story: 0/10
I don’t really need to explain these, right?

Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: a strong contender for “most stupid moment of the entire Silver Age”. Even if you ignore the DC rule about history being set in stone, how in the name of all that is Professor Potter can you NOT figure out that saving Krypton means no Superman!?!?
Second story: the deduction about Batman’s costume is some fantastic investigative journalism.