Lois Lane 06

SUPERMAN’S GIRL FRIEND LOIS LANE #06 (1959)
First story by Jerry Coleman & Wayne Boring
Second story by Jerry Coleman & Kurt Shaffenberger
Third story by Bill Finger & Kurt Shaffenberger
Cover by Curt Swan

Judging by the cover, Silver Age Lois might get some comeuppance this time.

But the cover story will have to wait, because first Lois infiltrates an experimental space rocket in a ridiculously easy way.

Since she fakes a heatstroke, the brilliant scientist decides that the best way to help her is to leave her alone inside a ship that is shot into space if you slightly touch anything.

The rocket is fine, but Superman thinks that she’s gone too far this time and decides to teach her a lesson… with the help of the entire Daily Planet.

I have no idea how Silver Age Perry White still has a job: he’s giving a week off to his entire newspaper just to “teach a lesson” to one of his star reporters.

By the way, even FREAKIN’ BATMAN is supposed to help.

But apparently he’s “working on an important case”, so he just sends Robin instead.

Sure, Batman is working on another case. Which is so important that Robin can stay behind to dick around with Superman. So important that he doesn’t need Superman’s help.
What’s more plausible, that Batman is indeed busy or that he didn’t want to have anything to do with Superman’s idiotic plan?
Which involves convincing Lois that the rocket has transported her into the future.

A future where the Daily Planet was destroyed “in the war”.

And where Clark Kent and Batman were killed in the same plane crash.

You’d think that Silver Age Lois would take this to mean that Clark Kent was secretly Batman, but no, she falls for it.

To make things harder for her, they also make it seem like Superman looked for her for decades.

By the way, if you thought the story forgot Robin, you WISH they forgot:

This is an amazing panel. The poster (“Youthful Crime-Fighter”), the bald middle-aged Robin, his words (“I’m very excited to say you have no idea who I am!”) and especially the facial expression from Lois.

Ah yes, the “what the hell am I looking at” face. The true reaction to Silver Age Lois Lane stories.

Such as watching Old Superman use a giant old-fashioned hearing aid.

By the way, Old Superman is wearing something on his legs which I suppose should be super-crutches. They show up in only two panels: this one (it’s hard to see unless you look closely), and the following one. They are nowhere else in the story.

This is, supposedly, where Superman’s plan ends: with Lois thinking that she has nothing to live for and her friends thinking she has learned her lesson.

Notice the huge display showing the fuel gauge of the rocket.

But that’s not all, because before Old Superman can tell everything to Lois, Superman JR shows up.

Two things about this panel. It’s by legendary Superman artist Wayne Boring, which in addition to having a very distinct way to draw Superman (very wide torso, very short cape), has a very weird way to show how he flies. Specifically, this is the clumsiest way to land!

Also: Superman JR has literally a tiny “JR” on top of the Superman logo, which looks AWFUL.

Old Superman asks Superman JR to demonstrate his super-powers, but finds out that he’s reluctant to use his feet.

Yes, this is an actual plot point.

Lois, being Silver Age Lois, immediately falls in love with Superman JR.

About the leg thing, Old Superman suspects that Superman JR’s legs aren’t really super, so he shoots him with his heat vision:

He’s right: Superman JR is actually Robin WEARING STILTS.

 

WOODEN stilts, even.

Once again, my comment is the Lois facial expression: utter confusion.

 

You are not ready for the explanation of how Robin pulled this off. Trust me.

Okay. Hold on a minute.

Batman has a serum that gives him Superman powers for 24 hours… and he wastes it on Robin to play a prank on Lois Lane!? COME ON!!!

After SO much stupid, we have the only clever bit in the story. Remember the goofy fuel gauge in the rocket? It wasn’t just a sight gag!

I actually really like this, since it makes Lois seem… well not smart, considering she accidentally shot the rocket into space, but at the very least a lot less stupid.

If you want stupid, though, just wait the next panel.

Yes, Lois ALWAYS carries out with her blueprints of the people she suspects are Robin. So she’s not insanely paranoid about Superman, she’s that way with ALL secret identities!

I wonder if Tom Willis and Ernie Chandler are references to anyone in particular or if they are random names. I find it hilarious that one of the names is Harry Barnes when the most famous Marvel sidekick is Bucky Barnes. This is years before Captain America returns with the Avengers and decades before Bucky turns out to be alive: I’m sure the writers were aware of Bucky from his Golden Age appearances, but I’m sure this time it’s just a coincidence.

Also: one of the suspects is Dick Grayson, Robin’s actual secret identity. I’d be willing to give Lois more credit for figuring it out… except that when Robin takes off his Superman JR mask, he shows his real face! Come on, Lois, you should’ve recognized him! He’s not even wearing glasses!

On with the second story, which starts with someone approaching Lois to bribe her.

Why? Because Lois has promised to expose the identity of a mob boss.

Mind you: she hasn’t actually published a story to expose him, she just announced that she’s going to. Which… while not illegal, is terrible journalism.

Lois is tempted because her unseen mother needs an expensive operation.

She takes the bribe to pay for her mother’s operation… but the next day she comes into the office wearing a new expensive dress.

And she decides to wait before revealing the name of the gang boss because if she’s wrong she could be sued for libel.
YOU DON’T SAY. It’s almost like this was a TERRIBLE idea.

But after the three days pass, she takes a second bribe to pay for a new expensive car.
She says that she used the money of the first bribe for her mother operation… but then how did she pay for that dress?

This time she accepts because the mob blackmails her: they took a picture of her accepting her first bribe. That’s actually criminally clever!

What ISN’T clever is that, once they start blackmailing her, they keep giving her more money.

Uhm, guys, you don’t actually know how blackmail works, right?
It’s “do this or we’ll expose your secret”, not “do this or we’ll stop giving you money”.
Either you bribe her or you blackmail her: choose one!

But Lois is busted using stolen money to buy jewelry, and she’s arrested.

Lois is sent to prison, where obviously her first priority is to look good in front of Superman.

Rubbing stone to turn it into a mirror. Sounds legit.

Superman raises money for her bail by, uhm, JUGGLING CARS.
What happened to squeezing coal into diamonds? Sure, it’s not scientifically accurate, but it doesn’t look this dumb!

He raises enough money, but Lois can’t accept it: she confesses she’s guilty.

Perry’s reaction is actually quite touching.

Since Lois risks ten years of prison, she accepts help to escape.

Lois finally meets the mobster behind all this, the most feared bald criminal mastermind in Metropolis.

BALDY PETE.

I repeat: BALDY PETE. Because if you you think “bald criminal” in Metropolis you don’t risk being confused with someone else.

You think Baldy Pete is a joke character? When Superman shows up, BALDY KNOCKS HIM AWAY.

Which sounds impressive, but… isn’t.

But what about Lois? It turns out she was working with the police to expose Baldy Pete.

And she gets a fur coat out of this.

Cute ending. Fur coat aside, it wouldn’t feel out of place in a modern story.

For our final story, the Army is enlisting Clark Kent and Lois Lane for a publicity stunt.

Lois is given a Second Lieutenant’s commission because she is “friendly and attractive”.
That… hasn’t aged well at all.

Although her reaction after being catcalled by the recruits is pretty funny.

Too bad it turns the story into “Lois is a bitch” parade.

It gets to bad that Superman THROWS A TORNADO AT HER.

By the way, technically the tornado lost.

All of this (and other “Lois is terrible” scenes I’m skipping) leads to Lois losing a diamond tiara she’s wearing during a fancy ball, but obviously it’s a trick for a scoop.

Leading to a fantastic front page of the Daily Planet:

“Officer-reporter plays army tyrant to gain credence for phony rule that opens locker to trap spy!”.

That’s not a title, that’s literally the summary of this entire story!
What’s wrong with “Spy posing as army officer exposed”?

 

Historical significance: 1/10
The only extremely minor impact is seeing Lois in the army for the first time, since post-Crisis she grows up as an army brat.

Silver Age-ness
First story: 8/10. Batman randomly has a serum that turns him into Superman and gives it to Robin for a prank.
Second and story: 4/10 Mostly for the general silliness.

Does it stand the test of time?
First story: 2/10 I can’t see how to you could possibly make this story today without turning it into a parody.
Second story: 7/10 Surprisingly enough, you wouldn’t need to change all that much to write this story in modern times.
Third story: 4/10 With a lot less “Lois is a bitch” scenes, it could potentially work.

Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: she figures out that the entire thing is a joke and she has Dick Grayson as one of her suspects, but doesn’t recognize him without the mask?
Second story: it can’t be promising to reveal the name of the mobster, since it was part of the plan. So the stupidest moment is the mob blackmailing AND bribing her, simultaneously and for the same reason.
Third story: Her plan makes SOME amount if sense, but if she recognized the Major was a spy she had already met, did she really need to go through all that trouble to expose him?

Isn’t she supposed to be a journalist?
For once, Lois doesn’t show any desire to change her job: even she seems to love being in the army, there’s no indication that she’s thinking about staying.

Nice job breaking it, Lois
Did the faster-than-light rocket ship ever work again or did Lois ruin it completely?

 

Remember the story with almost nothing but Fat Lois jokes? Apparently someone liked it.

 

My reaction to this: