SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN 038 (1959)
by Robert Bernstein & Curt Swan
We’re running out of useful superpowers, aren’t we?
We begin with someone stalking Jimmy while he’s on a date with Lucy Lane, where he doesn’t make a great impression due to his crappy car.
I mean… can you really blame her? He’s more interested in an eating contest sponsored by Superman!
Why would Superman… nevermind. For a moment I forgot this was the Silver Age.
Lucy doesn’t waste much time before ditching Jimmy.
His car didn’t commit suicide because of its sheer ugliness: the guys following Jimmy blew up the tire. One of them claims to be a scientist that increases the appetite and they want Jimmy to win Superman’s eating contest.
Why would anyone invent… sorry, sorry. Silver Age again.
The next day is the eating contest. Superman isn’t just sponsoring it like I initially thought… he’s actually cooking at super-speed!
Yes, that is the best use of Superman’s powers.
Jimmy wins the contest, obviously.
Jimmy’s hunger knows no limits. He eats a giant donut…
…an entire restaurant…
…wax fruits…
…DIRT…
…dog food…
(which he keeps in the trophy room!? WTF!?)
…ending with curtains and A FOOTBALL.
At this point I expect Jimmy to try to eat himself. But no, the scientist contacts him to offer the antidote. Note that at no point during ANY of this does Jimmy even THINK about calling the scientist.
Get this. Superman let Jimmy keep custody of a large sum of counterfeit money, instead of giving it to the police or to the court by himself, because… Silver Age.
Jimmy brings the counterfeit money when he goes to the scientist. While waiting for the antidote, he decides to go for a swim… while drinking the pool water.
And all of this was part of the criminal plan!!!
They PLANNED to give Jimmy super-appetite and leave him with the fake money, so that he would make it disappear.
And it works!
What’s the twist, you may ask? There is no twist. The criminals are so dumb that they get themselves arrested, without no help from Superman or Jimmy Olsen.
Okay. These are obviously complete morons, but… let’s assume the original plan works as intended, okay?
Here’s a recap of all the steps:
1) These are counterfeiters. They start with 100,000 real dollars.
2) They make 100,000 fake dollars.
3) The 100,000 fake dollars are taken by Superman. They still have 100,000 real dollars.
4) They invent a pill that gives you infinite hunger.
5) They place Jimmy in a situation where he eats the 100,000 fake dollars.
6) They still have ONLY the 100,000 real dollars.
So if this very risky plan goes as planned… they still keep the 100,000 real dollars that they started with! They say they just want to destroy the evidence, but… what evidence is there that connects these two idiots to the fake money?
If anything, allowing themselves to be seen by Jimmy Olsen creates MORE evidence against them!
Historical significance: 0/10
Take a guess of how many people were interested in using concepts from this story.
Silver Age-ness: 2/10
As stupid as the story is… we’ve seen far, FAR worse. And the consequences of Jimmy’s hunger are treated as anything but funny.
Does it stand the test of time? 4/10
The horror of Jimmy being unable to satisfy his hunger is rather interesting and I can easily see it used in a serious story. The plot itself, however, is pure garbage.
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
I’m sure these two complete strangers that want to give me a pill that will give me infinite hunger can be trusted.
Superpower count: 22
Adding super-eating. Hey, if it’s a good enough power for Matter-Eater Lad…