ADVENTURE COMICS 319 (1964)
by Edmond Hamilton and John Forte
There are so many Legion members that the team is divided into two separate squads decades before the X-Men.
We begin on planet Throon, home of an awesome citadel that resembles some depictions of the Tower of Babel.
For reference: a 1594 painting by Van Valckenborch (a name that sounds more alien than Throon, but that’s a real guy).
This planet is dangerous because they have projectors that disable any ship that gets close to their planet… 30 million miles, to be precise.
This is apparently a big problem for the United Planets.
Yes, 30 million miles is enough to block the entire galaxy. For comparison:
Distance from Earth to Mars: 33.9 million miles, at its closest point in orbit.
Distance from Earth to the nearest star: 25 TRILLION miles (25.000.000 million miles).
Diameter of the Milky Way galaxy: over 620.000 trillion miles.
So either the traffic of the entire galaxy is jammed around a single planet, in which case Throon is absolutely correct if they complain, or Edmond Hamilton has no idea of just how ridiculously microscopic 30 million miles are if your setting includes a galactic civilization!!!
Anyway, the Science Police recruits the Legion to deal with Throon and shut down those pesky projectors.
Superboy must be insufferable to the less powerful Legionnaires.
For some reason only seven Legionnaires can go to this mission, and in order to select who will be part of that team, the Legion comes up with the Planetary Chance Machine ™.
This is the best invention in the history of anything.
Brainiac 5 is selected as the leader of this team, and his first decision is to eliminate Saturn Girl… because she’s a girl.
The smartest man in the universe, ladies and gentlemen.
The team (including Saturn Girl) reaches Throon, where Superboy elects himself to do everything.
He fails.
Despite his loss of powers, Superboy tries to sneak into the citadel.
He fails.
(also: that looks nothing like “a spherical aurora borealis”)
Meanwhile, after Brainiac 5 informs the Legion that Superboy has fallen, and his team proceeds to attack the citadel.
They fail.
At least Lightning Lad manages to enter the Citadel, so that’s something.
Since all interstellar commerce has suddenly stopped, panic is spreading throughout the galaxy.
But have no fear: they’re in the hands of people who choose their leader by throwing balls at his head.
But at least they’re not leaving everything to the Planetary Chance Machine ™: there’s some actual thought in this, trying to avoid the mistakes of the first squad.
And in order to land undetected, instead of a spaceship they have Ultra Boy push a meteorite hollowed out by Matter Eater Lad.
They fail.
Time for the last third of the squad. Since there’s only seven other Legionnaires available, sadly we don’t see the Planetary Chance Machine ™ again.
Interestingly, Mon-El says that red sun radiation doesn’t affect him. That’s not always the case: typically Daxamite have this weakness as well (which makes sense since they gain powers from yellow sun like Kryptonians).
Take a wild guess on how this ends.
At least Colossal Boy gets an action scene, the first one since…
Uh. Has Colossal Boy done ANYTHING until now!?
Anyway, he fails.
That is every single member of the Legion except Supergirl, so who’s going to save the Galaxy now?
We’re f##ked, aren’t we?
Yep. They fail too.
ON PURPOSE.
Yep! Night Girl is able to get inside the citadel!
And the true menace behind Throon ends up being… a couple of old dudes.
They’re actually the last two survivors of their entire race, and the entire purpose of the citadel was to protect its secret weapons.
Oddly enough, the story takes this opportunity to reveal what happened to Lightning Lad after he sneaked into the citadel: he was captured. Which, uhm…
First: was there any doubt?
Second: Night Girl managed to avoid capture, so who’s the better Legion material here?
The two old guys are left alone, with their weapons destroyed. I get shutting down the projectors that were harming other planets, but why the weapons? Seems kind of an overreach for the Legion.
But there’s an even better happy ending: at long last, the Subs are celebrated as heroes!
Or rather, the Suicide Squad is.
Pfft. “Suicide Squad”. Like that name’s ever going to work.
Legion significance: 1/10
Would you believe that the only thing that will enter the Legion lore from this story is the Planetary Chance Machine ™ ?
Silver Age-ness: 6/10
The Planetary Chance Machine ™ is worth at least half the points. The “writers have no sense of scale” aspect of the science fiction elements is a big part as well, although by no means limited to this era.
Does it stand the test of time? 7/10
Most of the Legionnaires are cannon fodder, but those who use their powers do so rather creatively. There’s also an interesting variety in the citadel’s capabilities, and if you can get past the “30 million miles” thing there’s also an interesting sci-fi concept behind it.
Really the only parts that don’t stand the test are Brainy’s sudden misogyny (it’s not even a plot point, since Saturn Girl doesn’t really contribute to the mission) and the very compressed storytelling.
We are legion
For the first time ever, all current non-honorary Legionnaires appear, with the only exception of Supergirl. That means 19 Legionnaires active in this story, the highest number so far.
1 resigned member: Dream Girl
1 honorary member: Elastic Lad
How much Legion is too much?
The Legion currently includes 21 members. The total number of characters who have been members is 22.