LOIS LANE #026 (1961)
“The Day Superman Married Lana Lang!” by Jerry Siegel & Kurt Schaffenberger
“The Mad Woman of Metropolis!” by Robert Bernstein & Kurt Schaffenberger
Cover by Curt Swan

 

I could only find one reference for the writers, so don’t quote me on that.
Let’s start with the cover story, once again an “imaginary story”.

It’s probably telling that Superman openly marries Lana, but when he married Lois it was all in secret until she insisted to reveal it.

Not only that, but this time we’re given a backstory that starts with Lana discovering Superman’s secret identity.

Well if it’s THAT easy, someone else is bound to find out!

Or not.

Lana confronts Superman about his identity, in a twist that really surprised me, instead of blackmailing him she asks to get her memory wiped!

This selfless act wins over Superman, who falls head over heels for her.
Is… is this Silver Age story… MAKING SENSE!? What is happening!?

In somewhat of a dick move, Lana asks Lois to be her bridesmaid at the wedding, while Superman has a robot Clark Kent to be his best man.
Jimmy would’ve made a little more sense, but you knew he would’ve screwed it up.

Then Superman brings Lana to the Fortress of Solitude, where he gives her the super-serum that gives her powers.

I swear DC in the Silver Age keeps a firm continuity on the most useless things.
Characters CONSTANTLY forget past events, but Heaven forbid that we forget that Lois can’t use Korium-66-Beta because she have blood type A!

We also discover that Superman has a totally normal shrine dedicated to Lois.

Lana reacts better than she probably should have.

Superman and “Super-Lana” (why not “Superwoman”!?!?) move out of the Fortress of Solitude to live together, but some gangster manage to poison Superman with Kryptonite.
Super-Lana to the rescue!

It’s not just a one-off thing: Superman keeps getting poisoned by Kryptonite and Super-Lana keeps having to save him.

If you’re getting the idea that Superman kind of sucks at his job, Superman agrees.

As proof that Kryptonite is absolutely everywhere, once the newlyweds visit Lana’s archeologist father in Africa, they run into Red Kryptonite and a poorly aged stereotype.

This particular Red Kryptonite sends Superman into a blind rage.

I never thought I’d say it, but Super-Lana is pretty badass!!!

Superman ALMOST destroys Metropolis, but the city is saved when the effect of Red Kryptonite conveniently wears off.

We’re on the last page: how do you think this is going to end?
A) Superman appreciates the help of Super-Lana and they are closer than ever
B) Superman realizes that he sucks at his job and lets Super-Lana take over his place
C) Super-Lana martyrs herself because Superman sucks

Yep! Apparently Superman is so pathetic that the very IDEA of not being the strongest man in the universe breaks him.

In my headcanon, in this timeline the Earth was destroyed the following week because Super-Lana wasn’t there to fix Superman’s mistakes.

Let’s move to the second story.

This is how I imagine Lois to look like the day after Superman marries Lana, by the way.

Jokes aside, that is a FANTASTIC panel. I’ve said it before, but Kurt Schaffenberger is completely wasted in these stories.

We start with Lois stealing a scoop from Clark Kent when she gets a call from an informant.

I find the way Lois disguises herself as Clark Kent to be kind of hilarious.

Unfortunately, turns it out it was just a trap!

The police find Lois but not the guy who knocked her out, and apparently her story doesn’t add up: Clark says he was in the office all day, so he couldn’t have missed any calls.

This is a compelling mystery, but Lois dismisses it as being “a product of her imagination”.

Once again I’m baffled by the 1960s idea that people could hallucinate entire conversations because they were stressed.

Lois takes things slowly by opening the mail from the Daily Planet’s readers.

I’m sure Lois Lane with a blade won’t lead to anything weird.

Yes, maybe it’s better if Lois isn’t around blades for a while.

Or POISON PILLS.

You “accidentally” picked poison pills at a police lecture!? They don’t give them away as samples!!!

This proves too much and Lois Lane finally, FINALLY, goes to a psychiatrist!

I don’t know anything about 1960s psychiatrists, but somehow I doubt they let friends from work be present.

The session goes just about as you’d expect.

The doctor’s prognosis?

That Lois Lane is obsessed with Superman.

YOU DON’T SAY.

The doctor’s solution is to make Lois Lane read Ben Hur.

I’ve never read the book, but it looks like it’s a light read.

And that’s when Lois loses it, starting to hear voices.

Aaaand this is when the story blows it.

Yep. This is yet another unnecessarily convoluted mobster plot.

In addition to constantly spy on Lois, it included hiring an actor to play Clark Kent…

…and an actor to play the psychiatrist, AND some poor bastard had to print Ben Hur in disappearing ink.

The plan is supposed to culminate in Lois killing herself (!!!) after writing a suicide note (!!!).

Lois is juuuust about to kill herself (!!!) when she notices something doesn’t add up with the actor playing Clark Kent.

I fail to see:
1) HOW this is front page news in a major metropolitan newspaper
2) WHY Clark can’t write an article about his dead father on Father’s Day

The actor throws Lois out of the window, but conveniently this happens right when the crooks think they have killed the real Clark Kent.

Naturally Superman saves Lois, and that’s the end!

So, uhm, mobsters? Here’s an idea: if you want to kill Lois and you have the resources to spy on her during every moment of her life and you’re even able to replace one of her co-workers with an actor… JUST KILL LOIS LANE!!!

 

Historical significance: 0/10
Take a guess.

Silver Age-ness
Super-Lana: 8/10
The convenient Kryptonite is even worse than usual. It could’ve been a lower score for Lana’s initial characterization, but the story loses all points with the finale.
Madwoman: 2/10
Leaving aside the infatuation over Superman, Lois is a little closer to her modern interpretation than usual.

Does it stand the test of time?
Super-Lana: 0/10
Dammit, we were SO close to a good story with a good moral! Superman choosing Lana MADE SENSE for once, and they were shown to be a good couple, with Super-Lana being his equal. Then we throw it all away because Superman is the most insecure guy on the planet. Ugh.
Madwoman: 7/10
Better than I expected, actually. Sure the mobster plan is as convoluted as it gets, but there’s some real tension and shockingly the danger is extremely real. All you need to do to turn this into a modern psychological thriller is just tone down the silliness.

Stupid Lois Lane moment
Super-Lana: she basically has a cameo, but I find it hilarious that she can suspect a stranger who happens to look like Superman but is blond, and yet she doesn’t think about the guy who looks like Superman but wears glasses.
Madwoman: “I just hallucinated a whole conversation and imagined that Clark wasn’t in the office when he says he was, but I’m probably just tired”.

Kryptonite, baby
I think the Super-Lana story might have broken the record of the highest amount of absurdly convenient Kryptonite.