LOIS LANE #49 (1964)
Writer unknown, penciler Kurt Schaffenberger
The cover is both true and extremely misleading about the kind story! Don’t worry, the story still sucks.
The story begins with Lois receiving an anonymous tip, that leads her to an exploding laboratory.
The explosion was caused by a malfunction of the Talent-Tracer ™.
It’s probably an even dumber idea than you can guess.
This thing makes the X-Men’s Cerebro look like garbage.
It can also track a beggar with unbelievable musical skills!
Note that Lois Lane, one of the most influential people on the planet, is perfectly fine with this man living in poverty without being discovered by the general public.
Hmmm, I don’t know, this thing seems a little too plausible. Any way we can make this dumber?
The Talent-Tracer ™ leads Lois to… oh no. I don’t trust this book when it comes to Native Americans, for some reason.
This guy is Strong Bear, and I guess we’re lucky he’s not just called Indian Superman or something.
He’s DEFINITELY worse than Superman at keeping secrets, though.
He derives his powers from a mystic infodump.
He’s in love with Lois (because of course he is), but he’s not afraid that someone will try to hurt Lois to get to him because nobody cares about this guy.
That’s enough to marry Strong Bear, which I remind you Lois has known for about fifteen minutes.
Yeah… this isn’t suspicious. AT ALL.
To be fair, Lois does get suspicious. About something else entirely.
Ah, 1964 fanservice. I didn’t expect to see you here.
Only after her sacred bath she remembers where she has seen the ring before.
But then Lois, who has been around Butterfingers Jimmy Olsen too much, drops the ring…
This is a terrible tragedy for Strong Bear, and not because of the whole marriage thing.
No, that’s because the story just GOES COMPLETELY INSANE.
WHAT!?
No, seriously, WHAT!?!?
Okay, okay… let’s calm down. Let’s see if this will eventually make sense (it won’t).
Okay, I… I think I follow you so far…
What does this have to do with anything!? Also: longest death scene monologue EVER!!!
Remember when I said that the cover is technically correct but misleading about the story?
It comes in the flashback within the flashback of the plot twist explanation. It is such an unimportant scene that you could take it out and nobody would notice!
Hold on a second, okay? Let’s recap this guy’s story.
He was a scientist on another planet, he fell in love with Lois, then there was a nuclear war that mutated him, then he won in a lottery a ring that would give him powers, then he decided to go to college to build the Talent-Tracker ™… all to make Lois fall in love with him!?
And that, kids, is why pretending to be a Native American is wrong.
At least I think that’s the lesson, I have about 5 brain cells remaining at this point.
And so he dies. Unknown, unmourned and unloved.
The real tragedy (other than I decided to read this one) is that there was absolutely no need for all that complicated plan… Lois would jump at anyone with powers!
He DEFINITELY doesn’t care, Lois. AT ALL.
The second story begins with Lois working as a volunteer nurse (we’ve seen her do this before), where it’s established that she learned lip-reading to communicate with deaf patients.
Not to spy of Superman, no sir.
She’s assigned to write about Mr. Koven, president of a company that makes the best security systems in the world. He’s some kind of celebrity, even a judge in a beauty contest.
And so Lois infiltrates the beauty contest with the best disguise known to man: glasses.
Since Supergirl DID use a wig, I wonder if Superman ever considered a fake nose.
The talent portion has some competition.
That’s were the lip-reading bit comes into play.
That’s enough to get Lois to win the beauty contest, something that even she finds preposterous.
And this is when the story goes BONKERS.
She disguised herself at a beauty contest? What monster!!! Throw her in jail NOW!!!
THIS GOES TO COURT. It gets so much publicity that the trial is even televised!
You might wonder why this is such a big deal.
That’s because the story just went EVEN MORE INSANE.
I can’t believe that this plan is even more convoluted and idiotic than Strong Bear’s!!!
To complete the trifecta: the story is idiotic, the villain is caught because he’s an absolute moron…
…and we have a random sexist ending.
There are no words.
Historical significance: 0/10
Take a guess how many times Lois will think about her lost love.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
The second story arguably a little less, but HOLY CRAP the first story!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
I can’t think of a single PANEL to be adapted.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
I don’t even know where to begin. At the very least buying everything the scientist and Strong Bear tell her, but I have to mention that both Strong Bear and Mr. Koven are MILES ahead of Lois when it comes to stupidity, and that’s saying something!!!