LOIS LANE #50 (1964)
“Lois Lane’s Plot Against Lana Lang!” by unknown & Kurt Schaffenberger
“Lois Lane’s Luckiest Day!” by Leo Dorfman & Kurt Schaffenberger
“The Prophecy of the Oracle Bird!” by unknown & John Forte
I’ve been waiting to get to this one because it includes one of the very worst Lois Lane stories ever AND one of the dumbest plot twist I’ve seen.
Buckle up.
We begin with Lana Lang informing us about the origin of her crush on Superboy.
So, uhm, let me get this straight. The Daily Planet, which incredibly enough is supposed to be A MAJOR METROPOLITAN NEWSPAPER, sponsored a school play (WTF?) in a minor town in the middle of nowhere, where a celebrity teenage boy (double WTF?) picks with teenage girl he wants to kiss (triple WTF?).
Sounds legit.
Apparently the fact that her loved one (citation needed) once kissed someone else in high school makes Lois so miserable that she doesn’t think she could laugh even with nitrous oxide.
But fortunately for her she runs into our lord and savior Professor Potter…
…who despite having invented a DO-IT-YOURSELF TIME MACHINE (!!!!!!!!!) is more interested in his comedian robot! (infinite WTF!?)
Professor Potter is the living embodiment of “I don’t give a crap”.
Have I mentioned that this time machine RUNS ON GAS!?
Lois arrives in Smallville (wearing a coat because it’s winter) and she disguises herself with sunglasses.
Come on, glasses that keep your identity a secret? Now that’s just silly.
Now… get this: Lois falsifies her Daily Planet pass, changing her name to “Louise Lemon”, in order to cover Superboy’s publicity stunt.
Okay it’s a little ridiculous, but it’s not like she will just walk into the school and be assigned to teach a class, right?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? You’re substituting the teacher with the first person you see!?!?
Apparently so, because “Louise” substitutes the English teacher by giving a journalism lesson (what?) and being teenage Clark’s worst nightmare.
However Clark gets out of class by causing a fire.
Just kidding, he only activates the fire alarm. But be honest, you would believe that Superboy would start a fire just to avoid being in the same room with Lois and Lana, right?
Since Lois doesn’t want Lana to write the essay on Superboy that will lead to their kiss, she decides to drug her. (I’m all out of out of WTFs)
When THAT doesn’t work, Lois then copies Lana’s handwriting to change her essay from “I want to have Superboy’s babies” to “Superboy is the worst being ever”.
But unfortunately for Lois, Superboy gets off on being insulted.
So Lois has failed twice in changing history: the sleeping potion didn’t work on Lana, and sabotaging her letter actually had the opposite effect.
Just how desperate is Lois? She’s STILL trying to sabotage the play, planning to hide behind the glass coffin where Lana will play Sleeping Beauty!
Yes, the principal is pressuring Superboy into kissing his teacher, but MERCIFULLY he just kisses her on the cheek.
Lois is STILL planning to sabotage Lana, this time with the nitrous oxide she stole from Potter’s lab. Not from the dentist? Then what was the point of the dentist’s scene!?!?
But wait! Lana is still asleep when Superboy arrives, so he has to kiss the unconscious girl to wake her up.
And of course Lois caused all of this by being a colossal f##up.
And so we end with Lois being immensely proud to be the first woman that Superboy ever kissed… because he kissed his teacher on the cheek.
HOW PATHETIC CAN YOU GET!?
Once you’re done throwing up, let’s move to the second story: the thrilling origin story of the earrings of Lois Lane.
Turns out they are a gift from the Legion of Super-Heroes.
I sweat to Potter, if Lois ends up joining the Legion…
(also: the club should have no idea about what the Legion IS, since they’re from 1,000 years in the future!)
Lois is at her fan club doing auditions for new members and some familiar faces show up.
Couldn’t they at least TRY to disguise them!?
They picked one of the days when Lois volunteers as a nurse.
Okay, I’m obviously scared by the idea of Lois being anywhere near sick people, but at least she’s not putting people directly in danger. It’s not like she’s going to be a nurse during a real operation.
I really should know better than expecting Lois Lane comics to make sense…
Next, Lois loses one of her earrings.
Or not.
Yeah, that’s not suspicious at all.
Okay, I can give the comic the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was really a routine operation. But the volunteer Sunday nurse giving medicine to the LOCKED UP PSYCHOPATH?
Not that I’m against locking Lois in an insane asylum, but at least don’t punish the other patients by having her share the room.
In fact, just the fear of being near Lois Lane makes the psychopath sane!
I’m pretty sure that’s not how medicine work, but why should anyone make sense in this comic?
We then FINALLY have a duty that makes sense for Lois… serving lunch to some elderly patients, including the most boring Superman fan ever.
I understand a gift from Superman can be a special thing, but considering that the dude can bring you anything from any place in the universe in any time period… some flags are a bit of a disappointment.
Then a gust of wind sends them flying.
But “Tina” leaves some clues that she might not be just a regular girl.
You mean that the three girls who look exactly like Legionnaires and are dressed exactly as Legionnaires and appear in a comic that mentions the Legion of Super-Heroes… are actually Legionnaires!? What a twist!
Also: Shrinking Violet should be expelled from the Legion’s Espionage Squad.
That leaves Phantom Girl, who is the only one who made at least a nominal effort to disguise herself. What did she do?
She can CURE THE MENTALLY INSANE (!!!)
Quick Batman, ditch Robin and get Phantom Girl as your sidekick! You’ll get rid of 99% of your rogues gallery!!!
We now that we are at the last page, there’s only one question left: why did the girl travel to the past? To update Space Wikipedia.
But since they wipe her memory from knowing these are Legionnaires, Lois doesn’t admit them in her fan club… because they’re not adoring her enough.
Oh my Potter, how petty can Lois get!?!?
Also: THIS WAS NOT THE ORIGIN OF THE EARRINGS. You had one job, comic!!! One job!!!
On to the third and final story. After so much stupidity, a talking bird that tells the future is perfectly realistic.
Also a magic feather that forces the bird to answer questions? Sure, why not. Still better than time-traveling felonies.
The bird answers a few random questions that Lois throws around to confirm its powers. But then she accidentally breaks the magic feather in her sleep (??) and then the bird flies away.
But since she recorded herself in her sleep, she knows what the bird said: Lois will die in three days!
Since Lois has three days to live, she disarms a terrorist bomb (!!!) because she knows she can’t possibly die before her time.
And then she gives a gift to Lana, which I can only imagine is a Kryptonian aphrodisiac.
And that’s just day one! Enter day 2: she’s going to be Daredevil!
Okay she doesn’t exactly become a blind superhero, but she does survive the Niagara Falls inside a barrel, so that’s something. Something stupid, but that’s something.
Finally, on the third day, Lois is kidnapped by a criminal.
A criminal who takes her hostage, forcing her to dye her hair blonde, until Lois drives off a cliff.
Lois survives the fall; she’s in a coma for two days, but she suffers no brain damage because there’s really nothing left to damage.
But that leaves one question:
And the answer is… even by the standard of this comic, immensely unsatisfying.
And so we end with Lois bitterly angry at everything. That’s the only positive part of this experience.
I hate this comic so freakin’ much…
Historical significance: 0/10
What a twist!
Silver Age-ness
First story: 1,000,000/10
A built-it-yourself time machine that runs on gas! It doesn’t beat the current record holder, but this is SO close.
Second story: 8/10
It was just your regular dose of stupid until Phantom Girl started to perform miracles.
Third story: 8/10
In any other era, the bird would be magical on its own. But no, we needed a magical bird AND a magical feather from ANOTHER magical bird!
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: -50/10
As a reminder, a negative score is reserved for stories with abhorrent messages. This currently the lowest score I’ve ever given, for obvious reasons.
Second story: 0/10
Innocent fluff mixed with endless stupidity.
Third story: 0/10
The idea of a character knowing there are X days left before they die, so they make dangerous staff because they’re invincible, has been used well several times. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: ARREST THIS WOMAN!!! I pray I don’t have to tell you why.
Second story: if she knows the Legion, how can she NOT recognize them immediately!? Triplicate Girl and Shrinking Violet are basically wearing their costumes already!
Third story: to make sure she doesn’t damage the magical feather, Lois sleeps on it. Sounds legit. Bonus stupidity: keeping the window open to let the bird escape!
Isn’t she supposed to be a journalist?
Lois has enough time to be a word-famous journalist, micro-manage her fan club, volunteer as a nurse once a week, and ceaselessly stalk Superman.