Adventure Comics #350

ADVENTURE COMICS 350 (1966)
by E. Nelson Bridwell & Curt Swan

We have seen that 13 year old Jim Shooter was able to write pretty mature stories.
Now that we have the 35 year old Bridwell we get one of the stupidest Legion stories ever.

A few things of note.
First, Bridwell was a superfan who had many, MANY letters published throughout many titles, and was a known guru of DC continuity.
Second, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time I see full credits in a DC story.
Third, the story immediately tells you that it’s going to be stupid with “Sir Prize” and “Miss Terious”. Buckle up.

We begin with Superboy being summoned by the Legion through his action figures.

I have to wonder… does he keep his collection accurate? Like, did he put away the Star Boy figurine when he was expelled? Does he get a new one every time there’s a new member? Does he replace the figurine when there’s a new member, or can they ALL glow like that? Does he reprogram them every time there’s a new leader?

Both Superboy and Supergirl have been summoned to the 30th century because the entire Earth is now covered in a cloud of Kryptonite!!!

Unfortunately this Kryptonite has been changed by technobabble.

Okay but you have Cosmic Boy! His magnetic powers can help, right?

That’s a bit of a stretch. Maybe Sun Boy?

Well if they remember that they have Element Lad, surely he can…

Oh for f#ck’s sake, just say this is Plot Hole Kryptonite at this point!!!

And no, coming up with an excuse that doing more would blow up Earth isn’t helping!

But… okay, let’s go with this idiotic premise: Earth will be covered with Kryptonite for the next 2 years. All it means is that Superboy and Supergirl won’t be able to operate on Earth during that time. It sucks, but it doesn’t mean they have to leave the Legion.

THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

As is the fact that the Legion confiscates the statuettes from Superboy and Supergirl’s time periods and present them with trophies from their previous adventures.

“Here’s a model of the murderbot who mutilated me! I’ll miss you!”
(WTF!?)

Well at least Braniac 5 will remember this story fondly.

But don’t worry, Superboy and Supergirl won’t miss the Legion because THEY’RE GETTING THEIR MEMORIES WIPED.

What does it matter if they leave clues around? THEY’RE FROM THE PAST!!!

Also what’s the point of giving them trophies only to immediately confiscate them!?

Okay, so you want to brainwash Superboy and Supergirl. You could use Saturn Girl’s telepathic powers, or you could PUT RADIOACTIVE CAPSULES INSIDE THEIR BRAINS.

There are not enough WTF in the universe for this.

Since both patients are invulnerable, the capsules are going to be placed inside their bodies by Shrinking Violet… through their nostrils.

Ewww.

Saturn Girl receives Shrinking Violet’s distress call, so to expel her from Superboy’s brain he has to cry by thinking about his dead parents.

I guess either Kryptonians either have tear ducts inside their brains, or their brains are mostly water.

Sounds legit.

Before the capsules cause irreparable brain damage amnesia, Superboy and Supergirl nominate their substitutes.

Have I mentioned that this is an exceedingly stupid story yet?

And speaking of stupid, we now move to planet Tartarus and… *sigh*… Prince Evillo.

Prince Evillo is the leader of the Devil’s Dozen: Hag, Wild Huntsman, Sugyn and Apollo.
Yes. The Devil’s Dozen DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TWELVE MEMBERS!!!

Prince Evillo uses the Devil’s Dozen… all FOUR of them… to rob banks.
Yep. Including THE GREEK GOD.

Take a look at the kind of money used in the 30th century.
Have I mentioned that this is a stupid story yet?

The Legion arrives to stop the robbery. While fighting the monsters guarding the bank (don’t ask), they start to suspect that Sir Prize is Superboy since he flies without the ring.
Wait… WHY didn’t you give him a flight ring before the mission!?

That thing is the Jigsaw Creature, by the way.

It’s about as smart as this story.

But that’s not the most important part of this monster fight, because when Chameleon Boy turns into a giant spider to deal with a giant snake thing…

…he breaks the fourth wall for a very cringy snipe at… Spider-Man!?!?

Ah yes, the famous 1966 feud between Chameleon Boy and Spider-Man.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

More money hijinks!

HOW IS ANY OF THIS USED AS MONEY!?!?

Well at least it turns out that A)Apollo isn’t a real god B)Saturn Girl’s telepathy is too strong for him.

At least for a while. He does manage to stall her, only to delivery a booby trap to Lightning Lad.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst currency in the universe.

Before I get an aneurysm, let’s get through the last page.

Lightning Lad has been taken hostage by Prince Evillo, who managed to escape because the Legion sucks in this story.

But then they receive a distress call from “the richest man in the universe”.

An early appearance by R.J.Brande, perhaps? Probably, considering he’s descripted as the one funding the Legion!

Then Ultra Boy grows a couple of brain cells and decides to peek beneath the armor of Sir Prize and Miss Terious to find out who they are.

Continues in another stupid story

 

Legion significance: 3/10
Exclusively for the first appearance of R.J.Brande, and it’s so low because it’s mercifully skippable. Prince Evillo will make a return after the Five Year Gap, of all times, where he’ll mostly be treated as a joke.

 Silver Age-ness: 11/10
Between the Kryptonite dust cloud, the Devil’s Dozen and the inane currency, this one broke the scale!

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
*choke*

 We are legion
18 Legionnaires active in this story
1 not shown but officially member: Princess Projectra, which is quite strange since both Ferro Lad and Karate Kid appear!
2 reserve members: Bouncing Boy and Kid Psycho
4 resigned members: Dream Girl, Command Kid, Superboy, Supergirl
1 honorary member: Elastic Lad
2 expelled member: Star Boy, Nemesis Kid
1 deceased member: Dynamo Boy

How much Legion is too much?
With Superboy and Supergirl resigning, the Legion goes down to 19 members. I’m not counting Sir Prize and Miss Terious for now, you’ll see why next issue.
The total number of characters who have been members is 29.

Kryptonite, baby!
One of the most egregious examples ever!

The coin collection
Glass coins of Akoz
Needle money of Sirius
Huopian energy money
Gas currency from Mercury
Living crystal cash from Rojun
Chain money from Jorna
Ring money from Saturn
Metal crystal creatures from Rojun