ACTION COMICS #256 (1959)
“The Superman of the Future!” by Otto Binder & Al Plastino
“The Great Supergirl Mirage!” by Otto Binder & Jim Mooney
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
*ehm* Okay I’ll try to keep a straight face, but no promises.
We begin with the millionth Metropolis scientist to invent a time machine.
This one switches the Superman of the present with the Superman of 100,000 who HAHAHAHAH
Sorry, sorry, but his look is just too funny!
Anyway, D*ckhead Future Superman went back in time to prevent four major disasters; we don’t learn about the fourth just yet, but he uses his mental powers to project images of the others.
The first disaster is a tornado, so D*ckhead Future Superman builds a giant windmill that is used to suck the tornado. That’s… that’s not how this works, Supes…
Good job, Future Superman. You’re still The Worst.
How bad do you have to be to cause a new natural disaster when you’re trying to stop the first one?
Oh, and apparently his name is Ultra-Superman.
The second disaster is a bomber accidentally dropping a nuke (!!!).
You might think that’s easy to fix, however SUDDEN KRYPTONITE!
However Ultra Superman manages to make things EVEN WORSE.
The third disaster is the destruction of an underwater dome built to film a movie. (!!!)
A movie about how Atlantis built their dome.
You know, this is the Silver Age… they could’ve LITERALLY filmed the whole movie in the real Atlantis and nobody would’ve found it weird!!!
Now… get this: a whale almost smashes into the dome, so Ultra Superman just grabs it. However, he does this SO rapidly that a nearby submarine tips over and launches a torpedo, accidentally destroying the dome anyway!
That whale is 100% dead.
At this point Ultra Superman is sure that he can’t change history, even when it turns out that the fourth disaster is… uhm… let’s just say that DC Comics must be extremely glad that this was published in 1959 instead of 1963.
Except… surprise, it turns out that Ultra Superman has been helping a conspiracy to assassinate the President!
Their plan is to blow up the President with a bomb hidden beneath a manhole, and it works!
Well, the bomb worked. The assignation attempt, not so much.
So can Ultra Superman actually change history? No, because this is actually the real Superman!
Not only the time machine was fake, but SOMEHOW Ultra Superman turns out to be even MORE ridiculous!!!
Now you might wonder: didn’t Superman destroy a bridge, a boat and a dome to do this?
And the explanation is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And so we end with the President (which at the time would’ve been Eisenhower) thanking Superman for his service.
Now I kind of want to know where the hell he was during the Kennedy assassination.
Let’s move to the second story, which is about Supergirl having to deal with Dick pics.
Wait, that came out wrong…
Considering that in the Superman story nobody gave a crap about the nuke’s radiation, you might think that 1959 had a more casual relationship with radioactivity.
And you’d be absolutely right!
Logically speaking, all of Supergirl’s attempts to save the day without revealing herself should’ve been resolved with just her superspeed. But I appreciate the effort to get some variety.
However she has other problems: one of the kids at the orphanage, Dick, has taken a picture of Supergirl.
Am I the only one who gets seriously creepy vibes from this kid?
I mean, this is just a supervillain in training.
Supergirl doesn’t fall for his trap by moving some stormy clouds, creating a lightning bolt that takes care of the dummy. Unfortunately it hits the wrong dummy.
He has another trick: switching between strongman’s weights and a fake prop.
Her solution is AMAZINGLY bonkers!!!
Okay can we please stop calling this “super-breath” when this is CLEARLY plain telekinesis!?!?
There’s still the problem of that Dick pic, though. Is Supergirl’s existence public now?
Yes!
Also no.
This convinces Dick to destroy the picture, so Supergirl’s secret is safe.
But is she safe from this junior supervillain?
Historical significance
Superman’s story: 0/10
Somehow I doubt they made a sequel to this.
Supergirl’s story: 7/10
Unfortunately, Dick will become Linda’s on-again off-again love interest for some time.
Silver Age-ness
Superman’s story: 9/10
Everyone buying his ridiculous cover story AND being okay with him causing that much damage? Plus the underwater dome to film a movie?
Supergirl’s story: 5/10
Pretty standard for the time.
Does it stand the test of time?
Superman’s story: 0/10
HAHAHAHAH
Supergirl’s story: 1/10
The premise of Supergirl needing to protect her secret identity from another orphan is fine, but Dick going THAT far? And the sudden Supergirl robot that everyone immediately forgets?
Kryptonite, baby!
So… did Superman know about the Kryptonite being there or not?