JIMMY OLSEN 79 (1964)
“Jimmy’s Forgotten Girl Friend!” by Leo Dorfman & Curt Swan
“The Red-Headed Beatle of 1,000 B.C.!” by Leo Dorfman & George Papp
I suspect Leo Dorfman didn’t know anything about the Beatles. He was 50 in 1964, but even so…
But first, a story that begins with Jimmy Olsen being invited to a party for important people.
Naturally, Lucy finds it quite unbelievable.
Even more unbelievable: the rich and beautiful girl went to Jimmy’s school, and she was in love with him.
I know, Lucy. I know.
But it turns out that Jimmy was an a-hole to her because she was fat. Now THAT’S the Jimmy Olsen we all know and barely tolerate!
And of course, since now she’s slim and very very rich…
Not to mention she’s a stalker too, like most people Jimmy knows!
Now, you may think that I was exaggerating… just because Jimmy made fun of a fat girl a couple of times doesn’t mean that he’s always been a human pile of garbage, right?
Well, this kinda does.
And if you haven’t suffered brain damage from the other Jimmy Olsen stories, you immediately figure out the trick the second that the secretary shows up.
As always, Lucy is the only one with at least a couple dozen functioning brain cells…
…and Jimmy is a pathological liar.
This story isn’t very subtle.
All Jimmy can think about are money and humiliating Lucy.
A refresher: Jimmy BARELY remembers this girl and he’s seen her for, let’s be generous, a day at this point. So OF COURSE he proposes.
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS CURRENT FIANCEE.
And that’s when the twist arrives, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
I knows she’s doing something shady, but since the goal is to shame Jimmy… I approve.
Of course the flaw in this plan is that Jimmy Olsen is entirely immune to shame.
That and the fact that Lucy Lane is A FREAKIN’ SUPERSPY:
And no, there is NO explanation on why Lucy has that mask. Would you expect anything that makes sense?
At this point I’ll gladly take Jimmy cosplaying as one of the Beatles, so let’s move to the second story.
And hey, this is also a Legion crossover!
Or not.
But Jimmy is saved by… *sigh*… Mighty Youth.
I’m going to call him Discount Superboy because I refuse to use that codename.
Unfortunately the time machine is damaged, so Jimmy has to get a job.
He gets the idea of starting Beatlemania ahead of its time.
AND IT WORKS.
This gets Jimmy thrown out in jail because he stole the wool he used to make the wigs (!!!), but he’s saved by Discount Superboy thanks to his musical skills.
And it turns out that Discount Superboy is actually Samson!
Yep. We are really doing this.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS CARE ABOUT THOSE “LL” !?!?
The criminal from the future tries to get revenge on Discount Superboy by cutting his hair, but he’s saved by Jimmy’s wig.
Superman finds Jimmy thanks to the time machine’s locator and we are mercifully at the end.
Please tell me nobody ever called Ringo Starr “the Jimmy Olsen of the Beatles”.
Silver Age-ness
First story: 2/10
As a reminder that this is NOT the same thing of a score on the comic’s awfulness, the only Silver Age thing is the random lifelike mask.
Second story: 7/10
Slightly above the standard thanks to the combination of time travel, Discount Superboy and an idiotic premise.
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: -5/10
Jimmy’s first negative score! While the message is not not as ugly as the abyss we have reached with Lois Lane, because Jimmy DOES express the bare minimum regret on how she treated the girl… the story is clearly laughing at her because she’s fat.
Second story: 0/10
Just your regular Jimmy Olsen shenanigans.
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
First story: the amount of red flags that Jimmy misses when money is mentioned is astounding!
Second story: of all the ways to make money, stealing wool to make fake wigs!?
Interesting letters: no, the first story hasn’t changed my opinion AT ALL.
“He isn’t mentally deficient”. Yeah, right.
