STRANGE TALES 108 (1963)
written by Stan Lee & Robert Bernstein
pencils and cover by Jack Kirby
This was scripted by Robert Bernstein, who has done quite a lot of work for DC… notably for Aquaman, introducing almost his entire Silver Age aspects, including Aqualad.
We begin with the Human Torch fighting crime, something that will soon become extremely rare for him.
He also has some… questionable uses of his powers.
The Torch is rather genre-savvy this time.
And he’s right, because the criminals hire someone to get rid of the Torch… counterfeiter Wilhelm Van Vile.
VAN VILE. And I thought that you couldn’t top “Von Doom” for a surname!
And he’s suitably ridiculous.
Yep! Not only Van Vile can paint RIDICULOUSLY fast, but anything he paints comes to life.
His origin story is fantastic: he thinks he’s the greatest painter of all time, but he sucks at it.
I’m no painter, but how do you paint the Mona Lisa without a smile!?
Then he turned to counterfeiting money… and he sucked even worse at it!
Not to mention that he tried to kidnap Johnny Storm. A few issues ago we cleared up the fact that his identity is public knowledge, so this makes Van Vile even more of a dumbass.
But all of this is just to explain why Van Vile hates the Human Torch. How did he get his magic reality-warping painting powers?
Aliens.
The previous part of the flashback showed us that Van Vile sucks at everything, but according to him he’s able to:
1) figure out that the painting is a million years old
2) translate its meaning
Even his lightning-fast painting skills are thanks to the magic. Go figure.
I maintain that he’s just a dumbass.
His way to torment the Human Torch is to paint a Fantasticar to help some robbers and give him a shower with giant fire hydrants.
But why does he even need to steal? Because he’s freakin’ insane.
Case in point: he’s able to conjure up a bunch of monsters AND bury the Torch…
…but even THAT is not enough. At this point even Doctor Doom would tell him to stop and just finish his foe already!
His final trap is to create the rest of the Fantastic Four out of thin air.
I’m more impressed by the fact that he’s able to paint an invisible Invisible Girl. (WTF!?)
And he needed the fake Fantastic Four to throw a grenade at him. (double WTF!?)
But wait! It turns out that he only managed to kill a fake painted version of the Torch!
Wait, WHAT!?
THIS MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.
First: if the Torch was able to sneak into Van Vile’s lair, why waste time to paint a duplicate instead of just taking the easel and paint!?
Second: if he had the drop on Van Vile, why didn’t he just arrest him on the spot?
Third: Johnny Storm can paint!?!?
Fourth: the Human Torch just burned a magic easel than can do anything!!!
As we previously established, Van Vile sucks at everything.
This is so Silver Age it almost hurts.
Historical significance: 5/10
Believe it or not, Van Vile will return in a well-written 90s team-up between the Torch and Spider-Man, where he will be suitably laughable.
Silver Age-ness: 12/10
This would be a 10/10 on the DC scale. For Marvel, this is WAY more Silver Age than the norm!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
If you tried to write this one as a parody of the Silver Age it would be almost indistinguishable from the original version.