Lois Lane 90

LOIS LANE #90 (1969)
by unknown & Irv Novick
Cover by Neal Adams

I could not find a source for the writer. That’s never a good sign, and it’s pretty unusual for a 1969 comic.

We begin with Lois having trouble concentrating.

She’s being distracted by 1969 fanservice.

Once again I have to wonder: were amnesia and hallucinations THAT much common in the 60s? Because this is far from the first time we see people taking them WAY too casually!

A rare glimpse of the the Lane parents; in case you didn’t know, pre-Crisis they were basically a knockoff of the Kents.

Lois hallucinates falling into quicksand and being rescued by a knight in shining armor. (???)

Again: totally normal thing to happen in the 60s.

But it’s okay because the “knight in shining armor” is actually a doctor who dabbles in genetics.

No red flags here, no sir. Just your regular Physio-Synchron ™.

I mean, plenty of doctors have a basement with crippled horses and gorillas, right?

OF COURSE Lois immediately falls for him.

Next day, during their date they run into a few people injured by a rockslide.
That’s when the doctor instructs Lois on how fix cardiac arrest WITH A NECK MASSAGE.

Sounds legit.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story BEGINS to get bonkers!

First of all: the doctor is an alien.

Specifically, an alien doctor who has created a device that can do INSTANT PLASTIC SURGERY.

Including Blonde Lois Lane!

Buff Lois Lane!

Asian Lois Lane!

Well, we’ll be stuck with Asian Lois for a while.

Or not! You might expect the rest of the story to be about the shenanigans of having Lois becoming Asian… but no, it’s completely dropped after ONE panel.

Instead we get to this bombshell revelation:

Okay NOW the story goes off the rails. Yes. NOW.

As if we needed another demonstration that Kryptonians were too dumb to live: in addition to Jor-El warning them about the imminent destruction of the planet, one of their scientists HAD A TIME SCANNER and they just didn’t believe him!!!

Not to mention THE SCIENTIST HAD A TIME MACHINE TOO!!!
(which looks suspiciously like a Legion Time Bubble)

So this guy:
1) survived the destruction of Krypton
2) fell in love at first sight with Lois looking at her through the time scanner
3) located her by causing her dizzy spells

4) make himself a fake human identity that he could reveal after making Lois fall for him

AMAZINGLY, Lois doesn’t immediately want to marry the time travelling Kryptonian super-scientist!

THEN SUPERMAN PROPOSES.

In my headcanon, Lois carries around a bag with her wedding gown just in case she needs to get married within the hour.

Except… and I really can’t stress this enough… Superman is The. Worst.

Honestly, the only reason that he hasn’t been murdered by every single person he knows is that he’s invulnerable.

I need to start using “rubbernecks” as an insult.

So we’re up to Lois Lane marriage #2,574.

It’s a short one.

Or not: Lois was wearing A BULLETPROOF WEDDING GOWN.

Superman is shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Lois didn’t find this hilarious!

Yeah, super-beings in the future? That’s a ridiculous idea! It’s not like there’s an entire legion of them in the 30th century. Now that would be silly, Superman!

Time to go into the future via suspended animation! Wait, WHAT!?

Except it doesn’t work, because as we have established plenty of times KRYPTONIANS ARE IDIOTS.

Okay, so what’s the solution to make suspended animation work?

Gold Kryptonite, so that he loses his powers permanently?

Red Kryptonite, so that the story can become even dumber?

Green Kryptonite, so that he can EXPOSE HIMSELF TO DEADLY RADIATION FOR CENTURIES?

I’m not convinced the gas was working, considering you can still be awaken by loud noises!!!

And the effect on the Kryptonian time traveler? TURNING INTO KRYPTONITE.

You might’ve spotted a major plot hole: if this guy had Superman’s powers, couldn’t he just use them to time travel on his own?
Except HE WAS A COMPLETE IDIOT.

I can see why I couldn’t find a reference for the writer. Who would want to take credit for this mess!?!?

To add insult to injury, according to the Statement of Ownership this title was still selling 461,000 copies out of 742,000 printed copies.

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Historical significance: 0/10
This is not the last time we will see Lois Lane change her race, but it’s not enough.

Silver Age-ness: 10⁹/10
WHERE DO I BEGIN!?

 Does it stand the test of time? -5/10
HOLY CRAP is Superman just awful in this!!! But his rival really takes the spot in being unbelievably stupid. Lois is even more of a doormat than her Silver Age usual, and the plot is all over the place… random medical nonsense, that plastic surgery device, then a fake Superman wedding and time traveling shenanigans? This comic STARTS making no sense and it just gets progressively worse!

 Stupid Lois Lane moment
I can’t decide if it’s Lois not noticing any red flags about the super-scientist stalker or her deciding to marry and live in the future with a guy she’s known for… what, a week at most!?