METAL MEN 5 (1964)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
Continuing the absurd fight between the Metal Men and the Robot Queen.
In case you forgot last issue, the Metal Men and Doc Magnus have been turned into giants by alien fruits, and they are all stranded on the Robot Queen’s planet except Tin.
If you forgot don’t worry, it’s a defensive mechanism to avoid making you insane.
Last time I complained about the fact that, as shapeshifters, the Metal Men should EASILY be able to escape from the chain that is holding them.
That potential plot hole is addressed… by not addressing it at all.
Not exactly the most dignified moment for the Metal Men, AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING.
The Robot Queen, still mad at them for ruining her marriage with Tin, is hunting them with ROBOT HOUNDS.
Okay they actually DO explain the chain thing: the Metal Men can’t escape because of a “time lock”. Whatever the heck THAT is.
While the Robot Queen doesn’t find the Metal Men because they are hiding under the sand, she shoots the sand and turns it into diamond.
I swear Doc Magnus has to be an immortal because HOW THE F#CK IS HE STILL ALIVE!?
Then a giant mechanical bird picks them up (WTF?) and tries to feed them to its baby birds (double WTF!?) inside its nest made of giant springs. (triple WTF!?)
Iron breaks out of the diamond (!!!), which is naturally a perfect moment to bicker for no reason.
I think the Doc Magnus Awfulness Scale is broken because he can’t get below a 7/10 lately.
This keeps happening despite the fact that Tina is CONSTANTLY saving the rest of the team, by the way, including LITERALLY NEXT PANEL.
Tina tries to sacrifice herself AGAIN, but she might be saved by Mercury’s real superpower: sheer unadulterated pigheadedness!!!
Doc Magnus, team leader of the century!
Things are so bad that Tin has to be useful.
TIN.
The Robot Queen is honestly the best part of this entire storyline. She’s just devouring the scenery and thoroughly enjoying it.
Remember how the Metal Men were turned into giants? Turns out they returned to their natural height WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING IT.
Still, it’ll be nice to have Tin actually succeed at anything.
Aaaaand he crashes the ship.
The Metal Men escape the approaching Robot Queen by diving into the lake and NOW you remember that Doc Magnus is human!?
I don’t even know how big anything is in this comic anymore.
A genuinely human and humble moment for Doc Magnus! Savor it while you still can.
And hey, even Gold is doing something that kind of makes sense!
More than usual, at least.
With this series, I’ll take what I can get.
They do manage to escape the giant robot crab, but since the Robot Queen eventually captures them the entire story has been a complete waste of time.
Just take a guess which one of the Metal Men is actually the ONLY one to make a lasting contribution.
AND to give the inspirational speech!!!
Also all the Metal Men on the planet get killed now… except Tina.
How good was Tina’s speech? Good enough to start the Robot Revolution!!!
The new robot leadership lets the Metal Men leave for Earth, and that’s the end!
You’re WAY too good for this comic, Tina.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
The story does continue next issue, but it’s still not enough to increase the score.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
It lacks the extra of last issue, but this is still peak Silver Age by any standard.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
In any other series, this would be the moment where Doc Magnus and the others would begin to respect Tina as the team’s powerhouse. This being Metal Men… that ain’t gonna happen.
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 6
Yet another issue where he doesn’t say his annoying catchphrase!
For the death count: everybody catches up to Tin! Also notice that Tina has died pretty much half as often as the others… but somehow she’s still treated as the weak one.
Times Platinum has died: 5
Times Lead has died: 9
Times Mercury has died: 9
Times Gold has died: 9
Times Iron has died: 9
Times Tin has died: 9