METAL MEN 7 (1964)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
Fun fact: the cover doesn’t make any sense in context either!
We begin, all things, with the Metal Men at the beach.
So, uhh, this must be where, uhh, Lead develops his, uhh, incredibly annoying speech pattern.
Words cannot describe the whiplash of how this scene continues, but I will try.
First we have Doc Magnus and the Metal Men frolicking around…
…but then NEXT PAGE we jump ahead one month, where with no explanation Doc is being mind controlled into shooting his brains out!!! WTF!?!?
Then we jump BACK to when Doc Magnus is still recovering from being turned into a robot.
Meet Ava, Generic And Shallow Love Interest #2.
This will end well.
While Tina is working on the important mission of… checking notes… entering a beauty contest (???), the rest of the Metal Men use Doc Magnus Telescamera ™ to discover the Sun is particularly active.
So… that line about “hydrogen and calcium” got my attention.
Hydrogen sure, since the Sun is mostly made of that. But calcium?
I couldn’t find a reference for how much calcium there is in the Sun, and believe me I’ve looked extensively. The best I found is that there are probably traces of calcium in the Sun, but it doesn’t even make it to the 10 most abundant elements in there. And for reference, the 10th most abundant is sulfur at 0.0015% of the Sun’s mass.
TL,DR: Kanigher is talking out of is #ss AGAIN.
Well at least the other elements he mentions ARE in the top 10:
Hydrogen 91.2%
Helium 8.7%
Magnesum 0.0038%
Iron 0.0030%
In addition to a very weird atomic composition, that solar prominence is probably the unluckiest ever, being hit by cosmic dust and a meteor storm.
Not to mention A SUPERNOVA!?!?
WTF JUST HAPPENED!?!?!? Did a star explode in the solar system!?
IT’S NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU GLOSS OVER, COMIC!!!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most scientifically ridiculous space monster to ever grace the Silver Age.
Behold… the Solar Brain!
This is the most awesomely ridiculous and ridiculously awesome thing you have ever witnessed.
So the Metal Men are ready to face that monstrosity once it gets close enough to Earth…
…and Tina is looking for a dress.
Maybe, just maybe, mixing the two plots was a bad idea.
If you have ever seen a comedy in your life, you know Tina is going to win the beauty contest over Generic And Shallow Love Interest #2
Guys… it’s a sentient shapeshifting robot! BE IMPRESSED, DAMMIT!!!
Well I for one am always impressed by Ross Andru’s art.
Look at the way he depicts the motion of Tina’s arm!
Tina storms off, and the Solar Brain chooses to attack Doc Magnus (BUT WHY!?) by using its mental powers to destroy a nearby building (BUT WHY!?).
Aaand Tin’s dead. Again.
The Metal Men leave Earth with one of Doc’s rockets (how many does he own!?) and Tina has changed her mind FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
Come on Tina, you can’t possibly be as fast as a WHAT THE HECK!?
Then the Solar Brain throws a freaking meteor at the rocket, but apparently Doc Magnus has invented Star Trek shields!?!?
Then again I’m not entirely convinced this is really 1964.
And we are not done with the absurd yet, because the Solar Brain just STOLE EVERY SINGLE WEAPON ON THE PLANET.
Just so that it could dump them on a planetoid… somewhere. I have absolutely no clue if we are still in the solar system, or in reality for that matter.
Not being content with doing half a dozen insane things so far, the Solar Brain then shrinks the Metal Men and turns them into a regular-sized gun!
I promised you that the cover scene would not make any sense in context, so there you go.
But then, uhh, Lead is like, uhh, saving the world, uhh, or something?
This counts for the entire team dying at once, something that has not happened all that often so far.
It’s also the SECOND time Tin dies this issue, just to keep track how useless he is.
And ONCE AGAIN Doc Magnus saves the day on his own, by activating the shields of the rocket.
Are we absolutely sure he actually needs those guys!?
Metal Men significance: 0/10
I’m kind of certain that Generic And Shallow Love Interest #2 is going to stick around, but it’s hard to tell them apart.
Silver Age-ness: 106/10
A supernova turns a solar prominence into and evil brain! With telekinesis and mind control! Who steals all the weapons in the world!
By the way… did the Metal Men actually take ALL the worlds weapons back to Earth or what!?
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
It sure has a memorable design for a villain and nice artwork, but still…
Times Platinum has died: 7
Times Lead has died: 10
Times Mercury has died: 10
Times Gold has died: 10
Times Iron has died: 10
Times Tin has died: 11
Interesting letters: the Metal Men themselves answer the letters this time, which is actually kind of cute.
I’m glad that readers in the 60s found Tin’s speech pattern as annoying as I do.
