METAL MEN 8 (1964)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
I don’t know why, but “The playground of terror” doesn’t sound particularly frightening.
We begin with walking stereotype little boy Timmy. He’s contractually obligated to remind us he’s blind every 2 panels.
The Metal Men just assume he’s not interested in them (a rare occurrence, I’m sure), with Tina as usual being the only one to show concern.
Poor Timmy. He can’t see his favorite super-heroes… having trouble with air conditioning. (WTF!?)
First of all: no that doesn’t count because it’s not Mercury saying his catchphrase, it’s Doc.
Second: at this point I’m seriously wondering why they keep bringing it up because it’s never useful for anything.
And speaking of never being useful: Tin being afraid that he’s just a burden for the team.
I mean… he’s not wrong.
Fun fact: despite his name, Tin is not actually made of tin.
His body is an alloy of annoyance and solidified failure.
But that’s okay because he’s a clown. (uh?)
The rest of the Metal Men perform more lame stunts, but Tina decides to look for poor Timmy and realizes that he’s blind.
Also: I get that he’s, what, ten years old? But “platinum is the only metal that cries” is one of the dumbest science fact brought up in this series, AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING.
Okay who reset the Doc Magnus Awfulness Scale to a 0/10 ? And how can he stay that way?
Well… let’s not go overboard. Let’s make it a 5/10.
So… am I to assume that doctors in the 60s just cured people by throwing random chemical compounds at them, or what?
I usually side with Tina in these comics because… well come on… but promising Timmy that Doc Magnus is going to cure his blindness is a bit of an overreach.
Now if this was Marvel he would time travel to ancient Egypt, but it’s a DC comic.
The Metal Men offer Timmy a ride on their interplanetary rocket… as you do… but it seems that the Doc Magnus Awfulness Scale still hasn’t recovered!
While Doc Magnus looks for a cure for blindness (!!!), we have a team of robots who couldn’t even survive a room with air conditioning helping a blind boy pilot a space rocket.
I’m sure nothing can possibly go wrong.
The Metal Men are thrown around in zero gravity and Tina, who I can’t stress this enough is ALWAYS THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO BE USEFUL, secures them by turning into a net.
Also: it’s a stretch but Mercury’s counter is running low, so I’m counting this as his catchphrase.
And now ladies and gentlemen… you better believe the story goes insane!
First of all: this random cosmic phenomenon brought the rocket to another galaxy (!!!), on a planet with breathable atmosphere (!!!).
The planet has an amusement park and seemingly NOTHING ELSE.
Also: I don’t personally know any blind person, but I have my doubts this is how they navigate.
Remember this moment, it’ll be hilarious later.
Okay, so get this: the amusement park is entirely automated and operated by robots that are just like the Metal Men.
Which naturally means they are terrible at their job!
Did Tina read the script? Otherwise this looks like something a supervillain would say.
One of the rides attacks the Metal Men by shooting missiles… (!!!)
…but Iron and Lead respond by turning into missiles themselves.
SINCE WHEN CAN THEY DO THAT!?
And then… the Metal Men get blinded by a giant camera!!!
I would say you could see that twist come a mile away, but that would be ironic.
Also raise your hand if you predicted that the Metal Men would be COMPLETELY USELESS once blinded!
Remember when I told you the scene with Timmy instructing the Metal Men how blind people walk around would be hilarious? Well… he’s the one who has to lead the team back to the rocket.
Because the Metal Men didn’t count the steps.
Only Doc Magnus could create robots who can shapeshift but CAN’T COUNT.
And so we end on a cliffhanger: the Metal Men stumbling towards the rocket while a living murder amusement park is walking towards them.
I have to point out that this is the first story featuring the Metal Men when not a single member dies!
Metal Men significance: 0/10
If Timmy’s blindness isn’t cured in a ridiculous way next issue I will be very disappointed, but I don’t expect this to change anything.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
A random unexplained space phenomenon that drops you into another galaxy and a living homicidal alien amusement park? I’ve seen worse.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
As mentioned Doc Magnus is not AS awful as usual, but still… everyone except Tina completely fails to make an impression, and Timmy is as stereotypical as you can get.
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 8
Issues when not a single Metal Man dies: 1
Weird, isn’t it?