METAL MEN 9 (1964)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
Man, the Juggernaut really let himself go.
When we last saw the Metal Men they were all blind (the irony!) and escaping from an evil sentient amusement park.
You’re a real piece of work, Mercury.
By which I mean you’re a real piece of s#it.
He’s honestly much worse than Doc Magnus this time. At least Doc is still trying to cure young Billy’s blindness.
Speaking of Billy, the kid manages to make the Metal Men’s rocket leave orbit. This causes some trouble with the lack of gravity, but at least Mercury manages to sneak in his catchphrase.
Also: if anyone else was writing I wouldn’t see any double entendre here, but we have the guy who wrote Wonder Woman for 20 years AND a scene where a guy is glad a woman is stepping on him, so……
But that’s not all: Billy manages to crash the rocket on another planet!
Well, at least I THINK it’s a different planet, the comic isn’t very clear on that. Could be the same planet of the evil amusement park for all we know, but this series is FULL of planets entirely populated by evil robots, so who knows?
Billy is completely fine during the landing, as are the Metal Men…
…except the usual jackass.
I know I have a running gag of Tin being useless, but HOW does anyone stand Mercury!?!?
The Metal Men leave the rocket to explore the planet (which of course has the same atmosphere of Earth). The good news is that they’re able to see again.
The bad news is that their rocked has been confiscated by the so-called Robot Juggernaut.
These are not your typical giant evil robots, though.
These are ROBOT CANNIBALS.
The Metal Men vote to fight the Robot Juggernauts (even Tin wants to fight), but then it rains.
AND NOW BILLY CAN SEE.
But then a robot cat tries to eat the Metal Men!
Nevermind.
If that seems random, try to top the randomness of the Metal Men debating whether it’s possible to know how the Eiffel Tower looks even if you’ve never been to Paris.
(WTF!?)
Turns out the Robot Juggernaut is magnetized, so while everyone else is trapped Tina wastes no time to order Tin to get Billy to safety.
Then the Robot Juggernauts turn the Metal Men into… coins? Why would that be a problem if they’re shapeshifters!?
I have no clue whatsoever WHY they flattened them, since they immediately dump them into a cauldron to melt them down.
The Metal Men (except Tin) are then fused into THIS abomination:
Does it look atrocious? Yes. Is the placement of Mercury’s head 100% accurate?
Considering he’s been a dick this entire issue, YES.
Also, despite its looks, this fusion form is kind of a badass.
And that takes care of the robot cannibals. Now we just have to take the blind boy back to Earth with the good news that he can see again, and…
Except THE VERY NEXT PANEL:
AND NOW BILLY CAN SEE.
AGAIN.
And that’s how we end! Since Tina is still fused with most of the team, I’m pretty sure she’s just about to offer something kinky to Doc.
Bonus: each issue always includes a segment with trivia about elements in general, and while cute I’m not including those in the reviews. Except this time Tin makes an appearance!
Why, oh why couldn’t we have Copper instead of Tin in the team!?!?
Metal Men significance: 0/10
This is not the last time we’re going to see giant robot cannibals. It’s not event the most ridiculous occasion!
Silver Age-ness: 50/10
TWO unrelated evil robot planets and TWO unrelated cures for blindness!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Oh my God is Mercury insufferable in this!!! I was waiting for him to learn ANY kind of lesson, but no, he begins the story like a dick and he ends it being a dick.
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 9
Planet of evil robots: 4
New category! I’m counting TWO different planets here, plus the origin of the Missile Men of issue 1 and of course the gloriously campy Robot Queen of Issue 4.
Issues when not a single Metal Man dies: 2
Twice in a row!!!
Interesting letters: this has restored some of my faith in humanity.
