METAL MEN 11 (1965)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
The living mine on the cover is worried about consent, meaning even he is better than Silver Age Superman.
We begin like 99% of the Metal Men issues, plus we discover that Mercury makes a horrible sound when he laughs.
Sounds legit.
It seems Doc Magnus is busy building a new Responsometer for Tina. This is actually the first good look we get at a Responsometer, and it’ll become more or less its official form.
Yeah, now that’s the face of someone you can definitely trust will not murder you in your sleep.
The new Responsometer works: Tina is no longer in love with Doc Magnus… because she’s obsessed with Gold.
Hey, whatshername is back again… I think?
I’m not entirely sure this is exactly the same woman Doc was dating, as they’re all pretty forgettable.
Gold is BY FAR the most boring Metal Man, but I’m not gonna lie: I’m starting to like the new Tina.
Wait, those things on top of the Metal Men’s head are not actually part of their skull and they have hair!?
The Metal Men decide to head to the beach AGAIN (have you haver seen robots that like the ocean so much!?), and it seems Gold is not really into fembots.
You know, this is getting a little too serious for the Metal Men. Can we please get something completely bonkers?
Hmm, I dunno, it’s a step forward but it’s not QUITE at the right level.
Ah, now that’s what I want from the Metal Men: complete insanity!
Also: further confirmation that Doc Magnus is immortal for surviving this.
Only Kanigher would take a moment to clarify that the sentient mine is not gay.
Gold escaping by FINALLY remembering that he’s a shapeshifter is something I’ve been waiting for during the past 10 issues.
Also: we can finally put to rest the idea that only Mercury can turn into a liquid, right?
Right?
What could possibly be more random than a sentient mine falling for a robot?
TWO sentient mines falling for a robot!!!
AND THEN F##KING NEPTUNE SHOWS UP!!!
Metal Men, brought to you by “I can’t believe it’s not drugs”.
At this point you might be thinking “Sentient landmines aided by Neptune? It can’t possibly get more insane than this, right?”.
If you never read an issue of Metal Men, of course, because SUDDEN SHARK HARPOON!!!
Don’t worry: Tin will save us!
WTF is that shark made of!?!?
Just a reminder: this started with some wacky hijinks in Doc’s lab, and now we have a sentient mine with the powers of a god.
Iron helps the others escape, only to succumb to the ocean. I have to give it to Ross Andru, he sells the heck of this death scene!!!
AND THEN A GIANT CRAB ATTACKS!!!
This comic is extremely lucky that the Internet didn’t exist in 1965.
Much to my surprise, being harpooned by a shark didn’t actually kill Tin.
But I got the chance to use the words “harpooned by a shark”, so I’m very happy.
I guess that messing with Neptune got Zeus angry, because Tina gets hit by lightning!!!
Wait wait wait. I’m no chemist but since when do metals repel lightning!?!?
Then the entire team falls out of the vehicle and… look, do you have any idea how hard it is to recap a story that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!?
Have I mentioned lately that Doc Magnus is the absolute worst?
And no, just thinking that you’re sorry doesn’t make things right if you keep being an a##hole!!!
No, seriously, I swear Doc Magnus is immortal. Here he’s shown to be drowning while being struck by lightning while two mines explode near him.
But he’s fine.
Doc repairs both Iron and Tina, which of course means…
What a happy ending. At least Doc Magnus will now begin to treat Tina respectfully instead of berating her all the time, right?
Right?
Metal Men significance: 0/10
Let us mourn the last appearance of the harpoon made of sharks.
Silver Age-ness: 1,000/10
Sentient mines with the power of Neptune fall in love with robots and then throw harpoons made of sharks at them. And that’s not even counting the whole “metals repel lightning” thing!!!
It’s not explicitly said that the mines are sentient because of Neptune; knowing this series, I’ll bet you anything that it’s for a completely different reason and they just meet him randomly.
Does it stand the test of time? 4/10
The action scenes are surprisingly better than usual, but that’s about it.
Times Platinum has died: 9
Times Lead has died: 11
Times Mercury has died: 11
Times Gold has died: 11
Times Tin has died: 11
Times Iron has died: 12