METAL MEN 19 (1966)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
If a giant robot centaur appeared on any other series, the reaction would be “WTF!?”.
On Metal Men, it’s “yeah that’s about right”.
We begin with Kanigher reminding us why he was the Wonder Woman writer for 20 years, plus Doc Magnus breaks the fourth wall.
Get used to it, the series will do that A LOT in this period.
The rest of the Metal Men are still fused together following last issue, meaning they start sharing the same properties.
Which, after Mercury repeats his catchphrase, means they all start burping. (???)
The same ““““science””” causes them to become magnetized whenever Tin and Nameless kiss.
The plot actually begins with Doc and Tina consoling a crying teenager. Well at least this time it’s not a blind boy.
Poor girl: not only her name is “Gussie Taltch”, but… well actually that’s the worst part.
Tina and Gold try to cheer her up with the most expensive and uncomfortable clothes they can think of.
All that’s missing is jewelry (well at least according to Tina), so she suggests Doc to shrink down the alloyed Metal Men.
WHICH HE DOES.
I will bet you anything all these guys think her necklace sucks but they’re glad to have an excuse to be looking at her boobs.
Dancing in golden shoes CANNOT be comfortable.
And then FOR NO REASON this teenage party is attacked by mobsters!!!
A “lady wrestler” that can extend her arms, buddy!?
Ah yes, the most valuable thing they could steal: the ugly necklace that looks like it came from the toy store. Not the dress of platinum or, more importantly, THE BOOTS MADE OF GOLD.
But we’re lucky because this results into an AMAZING Ross Andru splash page!!!
As well as, uhm…
I’m going to need a moment here.
Much better.
This insanity gives Doc an idea on how to separate the other Metal Men.
I begrudgingly admit the sign on the lab is a funny gag.
And speaking of needing to gag:
Watching Doc turn his lab into an orgy makes Tina want to kill herself (!!!).
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when this comic goes completely and utterly bonkers.
Yes.
NOW.
Yes. Not only Tin just shattered the fourth wall, but we have a freaking giant centaur OUT OT ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.
The centaur explains the reason why he’s here, and oh boy, if you thought Neptune showing up in issue #11 made no sense, that was nothing!!!
First of all, he used to be in love with a nymph that looked suspiciously like Tina, and who he saved from a snake.
However it turns out that the snake was actually Jove, the Roman version of Zeus.
Who then turned the nymph into stone and the centaur into a giant.
The only reason this is out of character for Zeus is that he didn’t try to rape the nymph.
The centaur is exiled to Alpha Centauri (*groan*) until the nymph comes back to life.
And I guess all centaurs are giants now? Or were they already giant and this one was the only one human-sized?
Also: these female centaurs look weird. Well, weirdER.
(there are no female centaurs in ancient art, by the way, they only show up much later)
Aphrodite convinces Jove (who apparently laughs like Santa Claus!?) to send the centaur back to Earth, since the nymph is alive again.
Or not! I guess all Roman and Greek gods are dicks, including Aphrodite.
The Metal Men manage to restrain the centaur long enough for Doc Magnus to come up with a solution for this absurdity.
Said solution is, and I can’t believe I’m typing this, a giant centaur Tina!
That’s enough for the centaur, who returns to Alpha Centauri. Let’s hope they’re not robophobic there. But wait, there’s still the issue of Doc’s orgy!
It was actually so that he could build a fembot for every single Metal Men!!!
And he got the idea when watching them grow bigger after kissing teenage girls.
No dirty implications there, no sir.
And so we end with each Metal Man falling in love with his counterpart… including Tin, who completely forgot Nameless.
Well he WAS programmed by Doc Magnus, so it figures Tin can be just as awful.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
To the best of my knowledge, the female versions are never brought up again!
Silver Age-ness: 10100/10
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Planet of evil robots: 11
The total doesn’t increase, but I’m bringing it up to highlight that the cover was a lie: at no point in the story the centaur turns into a robot!!!
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 12
Issues when not a single Metal Man dies: 6
Number of elements: 23
I’m not adding the giant Tina centaur since there is no implication that she’s anything but a “regular” robot. But I am adding the five female version of the Metal Men.
Speaking of which, the fact that they were based on regular humans raises a question: were ANY of the regular Metal Men based on real people too!?
Interesting letters: there’s an unusually long letter that praises the first issues and then mercilessly point out the disaster. It’s too long to show in its entirety, but a few excerpts:
Also, the reaction to Nameless is starting to deteriorate if we go by the letters page.
