METAL MEN 20 (1966)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
We’re finally here. Not only this is the story where I learned the true insanity of the Metal Men, but it has the best story title of any story in the history of mankind.
“Birthday Cake For A Cannibal Robot!”.
We begin with the Metal Men watching the Adam West Batman TV show.
If this was any other series I would call this the moment they jumped the shark. But with Metal Men… is that even possible!?
And that’s not even the worst part, because the main adversary of the Metal Men is going to be the INCREDIBLY racist “Dr.Yes”.
Who is a giant egg with comically large moustaches that speaks like an offensive Chinese stereotype.
He’s not to be confused with Egg Fu, the other giant egg with comically large moustaches that speaks like an offensive Chinese stereotype, who Kanigher created on the pages of Wonder Woman.
That one doesn’t wear glasses.
And THAT one is not to be confused with his descendant “Egg Fu the fifth”, ALSO created by Kanigher.
So, uhm, yeah. Kanigher had some issues with Chinese people.
You typically find stuff THIS bad back in the 40s. Kanigher created Egg Fu in 1965, while BOTH Dr.Yes and Egg Fu The Fifth are from 1966!!!
Back to the story, the Metal Men are recovering the pieces of a giant robot that looks suspiciously similar to the one they fought in issue #15… but it’s explicitly not the same one, and we don’t see the fight. Because, you know, showing the Batman TV show and a racial insult were SO more interesting!
Could Tin possibly look more disgusting!?
Doc Magnus is just the worst. Even when he tries to console Tina he STILL has to bring up that she’s a mistake!
Doc Magnus then studies the giant disassembled robot, and HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK!?
I don’t know what makes me want to throw up more, Tin’s transformation or Dr.Yes.
(I’m kidding, of course. It’s Dr.Yes by several orders of magnitude)
Either whatshername dyed her hair or Doc has a new forgettable romantic interest.
Tina takes this as you would expect. Any bets on how long before she tries to murder this one?
In Doc’s absence the Metal Men re-assemble the giant robot, something that Dr.Yes anticipated (HOW!?!?); to prevent them from reprogramming it, the robot doesn’t have a brain in its head.
So it has that in common with the Metal Men and, apparently, whoever approved this comic.
The public apparently loves seeing the Metal Men have a giant robot of their own (despite the fact that the city has been severely damaged by giant robots multiple times).
They used the giant robot as a taxi (!!!) to get to Doc’s favorite disco: the “Twisting Gorilla”.
Where, uhm, THIS happens:
Guys, I don’t have any f##king clues anymore.
Tina is ready for the robot uprising, but Gold instead decides to ask the giant robot to take them to its leader.
WHICH IT DOES.
On Dr.Yes’ birthday. You see where this is going, right?
This is so stupid it physically hurts.
We are really doing this!!! And yes, there is NO explanation for just HOW the robots are stuck.
And Doc is still alive! HOW!?!? Or did the robot travel all the way to China, ON FOOT, in a few hours!?!?
The robot is ready to smash them while they’re stuck in the cake (WHY NOT BEFORE!?) but they are saved by the moustache of Dr.Yes and a fourth wall break.
The things I have to type for these reviews…
I refuse to give Dr.Yes the credit of being the first Metal Men villain to have an explanation for neutralizing the Metal Men’s shapeshifting. Because I just refuse to give ANY credit to this abomination.
1940s comics are less blatant than this! And SOMEHOW often less racist!!!
But then the Metal Men realize that America is the country that publishes this comic.
If you still have a couple of working brain cells after this… and believe me I understand if you don’t… you might be wondering, “why would Dr.Yes kidnap and brainwash the Metal Men?”.
Because if the public hears that the Metal Men aren’t patriotic, the results will be catastrophic!
Told you this was so stupid it would physically hurt.
But in “the most fantastic battle in comicdom”… which is only one panel… the Metal Men fight back!
And so we FINALLY end with Magnus rebuilding the team.
Somebody was paid to write, draw, ink, letter, color, publish and distribute this thing.
With MONEY.
Metal Men significance: 10/what the…?
Tied with the original story to break the scale.
Silver Age-ness: 5∞/10
We have a new record holder. The idiotic plot, Dr.Yes, the monkey disco, the fourth wall breaks, the fact that it makes no damn sense EVEN FOR THIS SERIES…
Does it stand the test of time? -75/10
It took THIS crap to get a lower score than the lowest Lois Lane issue, which was a mere -50/10.
If I have to explain why… please leave this planet.