SUPERMAN FAMILY #197 (1979)
by Cary Bates & Kurt Schaffenberger
One of the serials in “Superman Family” was dedicated to Clark Kent. Most of the stories are either harmless fluff or rather competent short mysteries… and then there’s this little gem of stupidity.
We begin with Clark Kent coming home and finding a talking bird left there by his neighbors.
Which is a problem because the bird just won’t stop talking, and even Superman needs to get SOME sleep (though I wonder if it’s a psychological thing rather than a biological need).
Considering Superman has the super-hearing to hear sounds from the other side of the planet, he HAS to be able to filter what he hears or he’d go nuts.
So far so good. Except…
Yep! It’s a story about Superman protecting his secret identity from a secret bird! Told you it’s a gem.
To be fair, this is 1979 so he’s not paranoid enough the think the bird actually knows anything.
His first suspect is that he confessed the secret while having a dream and talking in his sleep.
So the solution is naturally to rig a tape recorder to repeat the sentence “Clark Kent is a super NEWSman” so many times the bird will say that instead of “Clark Kent is Superman”.
While that would save his secret identity, wouldn’t people thing Clark is REALLY full of himself? Because it would mean Clark is saying that to himself all the time!
Except this fails. Because of course it does.
Then a couple of would-be assassins shoot at Clark (!!!), who is fast enough to react before the bullet reaches the bird…
…then suck the bullet out of the air and shoot it back!!!
Now… if the story ended here, perhaps with the bird now silent because it was scared by the bullet, it would be a sweet little tale.
Except Superman flies the bird aaaall the way to the Fortress of Solitude…
…and scare the living s#it out of the bird by WEARING A GIANT BIRD COSTUME!!!
And he keeps this up for SEVERAL HOURS!!!!
What would other heroes say if they heard about THAT!?
And if that wasn’t dumb enough… it wasn’t event the most humiliating moment of the story.
So… yeah. Superman mentally tortured a bird to protect his secret identity.
Told you he’s just. The. Worst.
Historical significance: 0/10
You’re kidding, right?
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
I was ready to give it a much lower score until, you know, bird costume thing.
Does it stand the test of time? 8/10
This ALMOST works. If only Superman had found ANY other type of solution this could’ve been an easy 10/10, and it’s saved from having a lower score by the fact the costume thing only happens in the very last page.