What If? #33

WHAT IF? vol.1 #33 (1982)
cover by John Romita Jr. and Bob Layton

While I’m covering What If for the Doctor Doom appearances and he doesn’t show up in this one, I couldn’t possibly skip this issue because it’s kind of a sequel to two completely different stories I’ve reviewed before.

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“What If the Dazzler Had Become the Herald of Galactus?”
by Dan Fingeroth & Mike Vosburg

As you might expect, this references the absolutely bonkers story of Dazzler going into a black hole to rescue one of the heralds of Galactus.

Except this time, instead of keeping Terrax and waiting a few months before he would betray him AGAIN, Galactus decides to offer Dazzler the position of herald.

Poor Dazzler doesn’t even get a say on the matter.

So Galactus gives Dazzler the Power Cosmic. Now if this was a regular book she would probably get a cool new design, but this is What If and we’ll have to settle for… the Space Skater, I guess?

In space nobody can hear you… do whatever the hell Dazzler is doing.

How is it that when Silver Surfer does this kind of scene he manages to look absolutely cool, but when Dazzler tries she’s laughable?

The first planet where she leads Galactus is uninhabited, but I guess she’s sad he killed the grass.
This is easily the most underwhelming Galactus meal we have ever seen.

In the only interesting scene, Dazzler finds yet another planet where plants are sentient.

The Galactus drone from the Dazzler story is still around; turns out the planet SOMEHOW was turned into something that Galactus doesn’t want to eat…

…but it’s only because HE’S FALLING IN LOVE.

Dazzler is ambushed by a bunch of aliens who have a weapon that can actually hurt her, since it’s powered by the axe of Terrax that they recovered. That’s pretty clever!

Man, even with the Power Cosmic, Dazzler just sucks.

Also, did you think I was joking when I said Galactus is falling for her? THINK AGAIN.

Rule number one when picking a fight with Galactus: DON’T.
There is no number two.

Insert your own “women who delude themselves into thinking they can change their man” joke.

So Dazzler quits her job as herald and goes back to Earth…

Except it’s been centuries since she left (!!!!) and everyone is dead (!!!!) so she might as well continue to do her job.

I don’t know what I was expecting from a Cosmic Dazzler story, but it definitely wasn’t THAT!!!

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“What If Iron Man Had Been Trapped in King Arthur’s Time?”
by Steven Grant & Don Perlin

This one diverges from the main timeline by having Doctor Doom betray Iron Man at the very end of their first team-up, so Iron Man is stuck in the past.
Interesting to see the Watcher mention that he discovered the existence of parallel timelines “recently”, whatever THAT means for him.

Doom doesn’t appear in the story proper, only in the establishing flashback.

Doom has damaged Iron Man’s armor pretty badly, but he’s eventually able to fix it.

Until Morgan LeFay summons an army of barbarians, and Iron Man is defeated… by a bunch of arrows.

Just kidding: Iron Man is still able to defeat the barbarians, adding them as loyal subjects of King Arthur.

And that’s how Tony Stark becomes one of the Knights Of The Round Table.

So he’s Lord Stark now? Like that would ever become a popular thing.

I absolutely love how Tony Stark does not give the tiniest fraction of a f##k to preserving the timeline and instead does whatever he feels like.

Morgan has been remarkably hands-off during the whole thing, but now she’s ready for a real battle with King Arthur’s latest champion.

She gives her son Mordred a knife that will kill Iron Man. Surprisingly enough there is NO effort to tie all of this with the existing mythology of Marvel’s Black Knight (where Morgan originated, at least as far as the Marvel version goes).
Which is especially odd since Iron Man is friends with the 20th century version of Black Knight and is fully aware of the connection!

Despite the repairs Iron Man’s armor is barely functioning at this point; all it takes is a magically accurate knife throw to take him down.

Morgan LeFay should kill him right there, but instead she decides to keep him alive AND allow him access to the castle’s foundry.

He’s ready for battle just when the Knights Of The Round Table, commanded by King Arthur, assault Morgan’s castle… and Mordred stabs him.

However he’s still FREAKING KING ARTHUR, so he manages to murder Mordred like a boss before succumbing to the injury.

With King Arthur now dead, Tony Stark ends up being chosen as the next king of Camelot…

…which means King Anthony ends up ruling the world for a while.

Not gonna lie, I want someone to revisit that timeline SO badly.

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Did any of this show up in continuity?
Out of all the people who end up gaining the Power Cosmic or serving as heralds of Galactus… and that’s a lot of people… Dazzler is understandably left alone.
You would think Tony Stark becomig king would show up somewhere when Game Of Thrones got popular at the same time of the MCU, but as far as I know nothing like that ever happened.

Silver Age-ness
Dazzler: 8/10
Dazzler’s sky-skating! Galactus falling in love!
Iron Man: 2/10
Even by the sword-and-sorcery scenario, it’s pretty tame.

Does it stand the test of time?
Dazzler: 0/10
What a letdown. The story doesn’t really do anything interesting with the premise: there’s nothing Dazzler does as a herald that we haven’t seen Silver Surfer do. Except singing in space and skating, neither of which is an improvement. The bleak ending also comes out of nowhere and it kind of contradicts the theme of the rest of the story.
Iron Man: 9/10
This was surprisingly fine! It’s a bit rushed due to the number of pages, and a mention of Black Knight or of the idea of changing the timeline would’ve been much appreciated, but there isn’t much you need to change to publish the story today.