X-Men #31

X-MEN #31 (1967)
by Roy Thomas & Werner Roth
cover by Dan Adkins

I get that the X-Men were not selling well in this period, but there had to be better ways to increase sales than creating Discount Iron Man.

When anyone else tries to replicate Stan Lee’s tongue-in-cheek style for the credits, the results are cringe at best and embarrassing at worst. This time, however, the element-theme fits.

The story begins with some much-needed focus on the personal lives of the X-Men.
Roy Thomas finally decides to give SOME depth to his characters; I especially liked Beast’s inner monologue on how he uses big words as a coping mechanism.
I always give Thomas a hard time, so credit where it’s due: this is good stuff.

Not so great: the attempt to give Jean Grey, now in college, some relationship troubles.
When Spider-Man went to college, his private life was for the most part even more interesting than his super-heroics (and that was a solid run through and through); I got the feeling that was the story Stan Lee wanted to tell, and Spider-Man saving the day was secondary.
Thomas just seems to do this because it’s expected.

The blond guy is Ted Roberts, Jean’s latest suitor. The other guy is his brother Ralph, who despite being a respectful industrialist is constantly in competition with his younger brother.

This guy is going to be today’s supervillain. SERIOUSLY.

I get they can’t all be Magneto, but come on. That’s as pathetic as an introduction as you can get.

Roy Thomas was 27 when he wrote this. Just saying.

This issue is somewhat significant for introducing Candy Southern, who will have a surprisingly long career as Angel’s love interest despite not being a mutant.

I can’t believe it took DECADES before the idea there were only 5 students at the school was finally thrown away.

The main story kicks off once Ralph shows his brother his latest invention: an Iron Man suit made of cobalt alloys.

Ralph is not exactly the brightest super-scientist. The reason why he builds his own Iron Man suit is that he’s convinced the fact that the armor is “too powerful for most men” is a lie.
Which is kind of true, since I don’t remember anyone ever bringing  up this concern in the Iron Man series.

There’s actually SOME science in this, since there ARE cobalt alloys with many impressive applications… but in science fiction, whenever someone mentions cobalt it’s inevitably to bring up the cobalt bomb, so radiation is right around the corner.

Okay, so let me get this straight. You think it’s NOT true that Iron Man’s armor is too dangerous… so you build your own armor that EXPLODES LIKE A NUKE if you wear it for too long!?!?

And then Discount Iron Man goes nuts because he hit his head pole vaulting at the beginning of the story. SERIOUSLY.

Scott and Jean were visiting the lab during this, so… oh for crying out loud, now SHE’s doing this crap!?
NOT EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOUR WEIRD RELATIONSHIPS!!!

They get into costume and start fighting Discount Iron Man. I’m not sure constantly referencing a far more popular and interesting character is working.

Oh no, the heroes are trapped beneath a large object! If only one of them had the power of MOVING STUFF WITH HER MIND.

If the idea is that it’s too heavy for her telekinesis, the artwork is doing a bad job conveying that.

Xavier’s telepathy is WEIRD in the Silver Age.

Also: is this showing off Cyclops is a great leader, or highlighting that Jean sucks at this hero thing?

Involving Iron Man in this story would’ve been a no-brainer, but hilariously he has better things to do.

The fact that the entire reason the X-Men have a supervillain this issue is that Iron Man just can’t be bothered to show up is just hilarious.

Seriously, the X-Men are so out of their depth here that it almost sounds like satire.

Luckily enough, Discount Iron Man is lame enough to be defeated rather easily…

…because a SLIGHT crack in his armor completely short-circuits it.

Did you think I was joking about Discount Iron Man turning supervillain because he hit his head?

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Historical significance: 0/10
Unsurprisingly, Cobalt Man failed to make any impact.

Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Exclusively on the Marvel scale, but… the bump in the head creating a supervillain, plus the EXTREMELY casual treatment of radiation.

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
I didn’t think it would be possible for a supervillain to work with the X-Men even less than Locust, but at least that one had a potential link through the talk about evolution.
Cobalt Man feels like an extremely minor Iron Man villain; he would be extremely boring there, but here he’s even more of a joke.
Admittedly Thomas is getting SLIGHTLY better at writing the private lives of the heroes, but it’s still barely anything.

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How close is this to the modern character? What modern character?
Surprisingly enough it doesn’t take much for Ralph to show up again: just three issues later, he invents a “super-cobalt alloy” that can withstand the temperatures of the Earth’s core.

Which ends with him being kidnapped by Tyrannus.
Man, Tyrannus sure shows up A LOT as a side threat in these villain retrospectives, doesn’t he?

Ralph doesn’t get his Cobalt Man armor, but he does end up creating a giant robot.

Roy Thomas must’ve been fond of Cobalt Man, because he uses him again in 1973 against the Hulk.

Shockingly, flying directly into a nuclear explosion was NOT a great idea.

Turns out the entire reason for his idiotic plan was to show that nuclear energy is bad because it gave him cancer.

He ends up fighting the Hulk in space (!!!) and explode like a nuke (!!!)…

…which turned out to mean absolutely nothing.

Despite EXPLODING, he shows up in 1976 to fight the Defenders (written by Gerry Conway) because SOMEHOW Egghead managed to save him.

He does get his revenge on Egghead, exploding himself. We will later learn Egghead just teleported away at the last moment.

 And that’s basically the last time Cobalt Man was used as a real character: he’s seen a couple of times in group shots, but most of those appearances were retconned to be impostors.

Until he was officially resurrected in 2016 in a Deadpool comic, of all places.
Surprisingly enough he doesn’t end the story exploding, just being kept prisoner in a facility for supervillains with radioactive powers.

This guy just cannot stay exploded, so he’ll probably show up again as a third-rate Radioactive Man.