Dazzler: The Movie

Marvel Graphic Novel #12 (1984)
by Jim Shooter & Frank Springer
cover by Bill Sienkiewicz

Yes. “Dazzler: The Movie”.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

There is A LOT of stuff going on: this is a 70 page comic book, so I’ll do my best to summarize but it’s still going to be one of my longest reviews, so be warned.
Page one, however, already tells you what this entire story is about.

In addition to repeating over and over how everyone thinks Dazzler is hot, there’s a lot of emphasis on her being remarkably strong. As if that was part of her powerset.

 

We have a new love interest with Nerd Guy, who gets Dazzler’s attention by not spending every single speech bubble saying she’s hot.

In order to date him, she has to dump Rich Moustache Guy. It will be important later.

Apologies for the quality of the images; I couldn’t find decent scans, and unlike the entirety of the regular series this graphic novel is not on Marvel Unlimited.
So I kind of wonder if all the various light effects looked good on paper, because on the scans everything looks like crap.

This is still very much an extension of the Dazzler series.

Despite paying lip service to mutant discrimination, up to this point Dazzler has largely avoided the anti-mutant hysteria that swept Marvel in the preceding years.
Not anymore.

Despite the fact that it’s been YEARS since Dazzler talked to them, the X-Men even contact her to give her a warning.

Yeah that’s about right.
Also you better believe there is NO MENTION OF HER MUTANT SISTER.

We’ve been focusing on Dazzler for the first fifteen pages (!!!) and basically nothing has happened.
So let’s move to the other major character of this story: Roman Nekoboh, who we are re-introduced to after a one-night stand.

I guess Springer was so proud of Roman’s dressup scene from Dazzler #29 that it’s reprinted in its entirety!

Another thing that gets repeated over and over is Dazzler having trouble controlling her powers in public: she’s constantly shining unless she’s actively focusing against it.

The reason why Roman is involved with the plot again is that he’s going around saying Dazzler is going to star in his next movie, despite not telling her anything.

And so his reputation as a womanizer and sex machine (!!!) starts to reflect on HER reputation.

Roman is truly insufferable. Not only he starts the rumors about Dazzler, he breaks into her home without her permission…

…and then things get WAY worse.

This UNDERSTANDABLY gets Dazzler so upset she throws him out of the apartment.
Who else is praying that she’ll eventually laser his nuts off?

Dazzler, honey, I beg you. One laser blast. Nobody’s going to blame you!!!

THANK YOU. Wrong target, but it’s a start!!!

Roman was always more than a little bonkers, but he’s gone COMPLETELY INSANE: he’s SO persistent that after CRASHING HIS CAR he runs to catch her!!!

And then Roman has a heart attack!!!

Aaaaand he’s faking it. Because we can’t have nice things with Dazzler around.

Okay, let’s recap the relationship between Dazzler and Roman, shall we?
A) he’s done nothing to help her career
B) he’s been spreading rumors about her
C) he broke into her house
D) he sexually assaulted her
E) he stalked her
F) he faked having a heart attack

So naturally Dazzler’s reaction to ALL OF THE ABOVE is… get a coffee with him.

THEN SHE ACCEPTS TO STAR IN HIS MOVIE!!!

AND TO PRETEND THEY’RE TOGETHER!!!

This is where Dazzler’s carelessness with her powers and her association with superheroes comes back to bite her, because now her association with the X-Men is ruining her reputation.
It’s not a GREAT reputation, but still.

And now, at the 32 page mark, is when the story gets really bad.
Yes.
NOW.

Because Dazzler HAS FALLEN FOR ROMAN.

There’s still some hope, however, because she later rejects him.

At least Roman shows ONE redeeming quality: he knows she’s a mutant, but he doesn’t care!

Warning: DO NOT continue this story if you are on a full stomach.

Yeeep. She just slept with her stalker.

Who, I remind you, LOOKS LIKE THIS without his makeup and clothing.

Dazzler gets mad because it turns out the guy financing the movie is Rich Moustache Guy, the sleazeball she met at the gym.

I remind you that she’s making a big deal about this when SHE’S DATING HER STALKER.

Roman reassures her that he’s going to find someone else to finance the movie, and we move to a montage of the couple going on endless parties.

And sex.

Apparently all this partying, drinking and smoking has given her body dysmorphia. Either that or Frank Springer couldn’t be bothered to draw the slightest possible amount of fat.

Clearly the next logical step is a glow-in-the-dark striptease!

You have no idea how difficult it is to give props to Roman, but… “what is new” indeed.

This is THE bombshell moment of the graphic novel: Dazzler being a mutant is revealed to the general public… BY ROMAN.

Yeah, remember how he didn’t care that she was a mutant? It wasn’t because there’s a shred in human dignity in this sentient heap of garbage… it’s because he can use it for publicity.

Now this COULD be used for good… if the movie really IS about the struggles of a mutant, it might be used to change people’s minds about mutants.

Considering the way Roman advertises this is to have Dazzler show off in a skimpy bikini in front of a crowd… I’m not optimistic.

Well at least there’s ONE guy in the audience who is not thinking about her genes.

This is all to “prove” that Dazzler doesn’t use any gadgets when she absorbs the sound of several airplanes to create light.

Don’t be shocked now, but Dazzler *gasp* completely f##ks this up.

Great job, Dazzler.

Obviously throwing bricks at Dazzler for being a mutant is wrong.
They should be throwing bricks at her for STILL NOT DUMPING ROMAN!!!!

At least SOME good comes from this: she doesn’t need the sound to be present at all times, she can store up the energy to use it later.

Yes Dazzler, you’re CLEARLY the one who will usher a new era of tolerance between humans and mutants.

There is one, yes ONE well-done scene in this entire book. It’s when Dazzler encounters a protestor outside her house.

It’s FOUR PANELS in a SEVENTY-ONE PAGE COMIC, but credit where it’s due, it’s a great way to demonstrate how the public only sees what it wants.

Alright, at this point you’re probably wondering: what kind of movie Dazzler truly believes is going to help race relations?
Obviously we only get a few snippets, but apparently… THIS.
THESE ARE SCENES FROM THE MOVIE.

Is this going to help the reputation of mutants?

Yeah that’s about right.

 I sympathize with those protestors. Not because I have anything against mutants, but because I also want to burn something. THIS COMIC.

   

The shooting is over; Dazzler and Roman get a private screening before pre-production… and then they’re ambushed by an angry mob.

You might be wondering: does Dazzler’s power-up mean she’s no longer useless?
Of course she is!

You know, I’ve just realized… Dazzler’s powers mean the more you scream the more powerful she gets. That’s a great setup for a horror scene! If she wasn’t so thoroughly incompetent, that is.

We are mercifully approaching the ending, and it’s… it’s a lot.

First of all: Roman just bailed!!!

Second: remember how Dazzler made a big deal about not wanting Roman to get money from Rich Moustache Guy? OF COURSE HE LIED ABOUT IT!!!

Third: he didn’t even deduce Dazzler was a mutant, Rich Moustache Guy had to tell him!

And finally… and perhaps more damningly… Rich Moustache Guy blasts Dazzler for being just a dumb bimbo “whose bust measurement exceeds her IQ”.
I hate that it’s a fitting description of how Dazzler has acted this entire time!!!

To top it all off: Roman is STILL more valuable than her.

Rich Moustache Guy has one final proposition for Dazzler: he can still produce and distribute her movie… provided that she sells her soul.

What would Dazzler do?

Alright comic, you get another praise: this was a good fakeout.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LASER OFF THIS GUY’S NUTS!?!?

Dude, you got off way, WAY too easy.

And that’s how we end Dazzler: The Movie.
I guess it’s SUPPOSED to be an empowering scene, but… yeah.
Talk about a trainwreck.

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This is MERCIFULLY the last Roman appearance. He has only been seen once, in 2001, in an Unlimited X-Men issue focusing on Dazzler.
I will probably touch upon that story at the end of the retrospective, since it recaps the entire original series and gets MOST of it right.

For example, it incorrectly shows the movie being screened for the general public.
I can excuse it because it means we’re shown an actual scene from the movie… which is exactly as bad as you imagined.

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Dazzler significance: 8/10
The secret about Dazzler being a mutant is out, and it’s going to influence on the rest of the series… what’s left of it anyway. On a lesser note, there’s her slight power-up.

Silver Age-ness: 0/10
Roman’s histrionics have SOME Silver Age-ness, but that’d be a stretch.

Does it stand the test of time? -15/10
I don’t think I have to say anything else at this point. Also, I think I need a shower after reading all this crap.

Obligatory underwear shot: 41
Dazzler: The Movie is rated PG-13.