World’s Finest #196

World’s Finest #196 (1970)
By Bob Haney & Curt Swan

We are not far off from the start of the Super-Sons, the feature that is a huge part of the reason why I started to review World’s Finest. That insanity will be Bob Haney’s brainchild, so this is a good chance to introduce the utter madness that is Bob Haney.

One of the weirdest parts of Haney’s stories is his relationship with continuity and established personalities.
That’s mostly noticeable in his treatment of Batman in “The Brave And The Bold” and of basically anything involving the Super-Sons, but Superman is not immune.
We begin with a massive meteor shower spreading Kryptonite all over the world.

And already we have kind of a problem: Kryptonite was ALREADY omnipresent before this story, and of course this doesn’t show up in the other Superman books.
Kryptonite was so ubiquitous in this period, in fact, that one year later the “Sandman Saga” will completely destroy all Kryptonite present on Earth.

But okay, let’s only consider this story for the moment. Kryptonite has been spread all over the US, and naturally Superman can’t pick it up himself. Well, he probably could, but then we wouldn’t have a story.
So what does he do? Ask the Flash to collect it all in 0.00000001 nanoseconds?
Nope! It’s up to President Nixon to save the day!

In Haney’s defense, if Kryptonite really is everywhere, asking the public to help is not a bad idea…

…but on the other hand, collecting all this Kryptonite with a train that is going to move from city to city is ONE OF THE WORST IDEAS EVER.

I mean, how are the logistics of this supposed to work!? A single train is going to traverse ALL the continental United States? How long is that going to take!?
Not to mention there are countless places that wouldn’t be reached by a train.
I’m not American so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, but isn’t the US train system generally considered pretty crappy by international standards?
And that’s by 2023 standards, I have to imagine this was worse in 1970.

At least Haney recognizes that not EVERYBODY likes Superman, so in addition to Batman the train is going to have additional security thanks to the FBI and the CIA.
Nevermind that this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the duties of the CIA.

This is clearly being considered as a national security operation of the highest order, so why exactly is the press coming along? Also, WTF are they going to report while on the train!?

The train, despite being under the highest possible scrutiny, just allows a guy to run up to it and get inside. Great job, FBI and CIA.

Alright, we have a train full of Kryptonite and with abysmal security: this just begs for a supervillain trying to rob it.
Who are we going to get? Lex Luthor? The Parasite? Maybe the Toyman, since you could conceivably connect this to toy trains?

No, this looks like a job for a train-themed supervillain. How weird is it that there ISN’T one, considering how often trains show up in superhero comics?
Haney has to create this guy, with the boring name of K.C. Jones.

That’s a boring name, I expected “the Trainmaster” or something. Apparently that’s a reference to Casey Jones, a real-life railroader who inspired a folk song.
Again, not American so I never heard of this until this review, but you learn something every day.

K.C. Jones does have an advantage: he managed to sneak a spy on the train.

K.C.’s goons attack the train, but at least Batman and Robin are on the case: surely this won’t be too much of a problem for them.

The press car is at the end of the train and the criminals quickly disconnect it.
In order to intervene, Superman has to do his usual “Clark Kent sucks at everything” bit.

Whoever designed these train cars to be opened SO easily didn’t exactly do a great job.
Also: why exactly is reconnecting the press car a priority, Superman!?

The criminals are as generic as possible, but I did like this bit of banter.

Batman takes care of these guys by throwing a batarang at the train’s brakes.
Weirdly enough he asks Robin to protect him with his cape while he does so. I assume Robin’s cape is supposed to be bulletproof, but:
1) it’s CLEARLY too short to properly cover Batman
2) why doesn’t Batman use HIS OWN cape!?

I don’t know much about bats, but the idea that they would sleep inside a train tunnel feels off.
And yes, this IS a plot point.

That is a TERRIBLE pun, Robin, even for you.
Also: I know coal engine trains were still in use in the early 70s (and not just in the US), but were they really still powered by a guy with a shovel?

The next attack is, I kid you not, made by the bats using miniature sleeping gas vials.
Yep.
THE BATS SHOOT SLEEPING GAS.

Just a reminder that, in order to pull this off, K.C. Jones and his men had to tie the vials to every single bat. Talk about commitment!

That knocks out everyone except Superman, and yes that includes Batman and Robin.
Another Bob Haney staple: his Batman suffering humiliating defeats.

At least Haney remembers that just because there’s Kryptonite nearby doesn’t mean Superman can’t get creative.

The bats didn’t knock out Batman and Robin, though. It was the spy.

Despite fooling freaking Batman, that spy is a real floppo.
Whatever the heck THAT means.

K.C. Jones has another trick up his stereotypical hat: play to Superman’s vanity.

This is just a trap because the spike is just Kryptonite, and Batman gets captured AGAIN.

Superman still manages to escape on his own…

…unlike Batman, because Bob Haney.

Robin was not considered enough of a threat to take him out. I wonder why.

Superman and Batman catch up with the press car, which has been disconnected AGAIN from the train. And of course Robin got himself captured.

God bless Curt Swan. Even in a bad story, he always gives 100% on the artwork.

That would take care of Robin’s rescue…

…if this WAS Robin!!!

That’s right: this fake Robin was the spy all along.
That’s why he broke Jimmy’s signal watch on purpose, he wasn’t so clumsy he did it accidentally.

K.C. Jones is planning to take the train to Mexico, where as we all know it’s perfectly legal to bring a stolen train.^{[1]
[1] citation needed}

As far as I can tell, there isn’t a Rainbow Bridge that connects the US to Mexico. If it’s a reference to something else I’m missing it.

I also have no idea whatsoever why crossing the border is brought up as a plot point.
Superman manages to keep K.C. in the US because he moved the bridge, which granted is a neat idea… but Superman clearly states that he could’ve always arrested him in Mexico as well.

We are at the end now, but there’s one last chance of doing something stupid: like saying that neither Batman nor Superman noticed Robin wasn’t the real one THE ENTIRE TIME.

And so Superman gets rid of the Kryptonite by throwing his problems into space.

His biological father would be SO proud.

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Historical significance: 0/10
It’s Bob Haney. His stories are not in continuity WITH THEMSELVES.

Silver Age-ness: 7/10
SLEEPING GAS BATS and general goofiness.

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
This was pretty bad. Most infuriatingly, you COULD do something with the idea of the civilians picking up Kryptonite and being the ones to save Superman, but it’s barely an element.
Everything devolves pretty rapidly to “Batman and Superman on a train”, which is REALLY difficult to make exciting… especially when the villains are so lackluster.
The premise was bad enough, with the justification for the “Kryptonite train” being mostly nonsense. But the execution? Everyone involved doesn’t come out as particularly smart.
Batman is BY FAR the worst offender. There’s some lip service at the end about him being suspicious of Robin when he mentions Clark Kent is not a suspect, but come on, you mean to tell me that BATMAN cannot tell that someone is impersonating Robin!? COME ON!!!

Did Robin actually do anything? He’s not even here

Did Superman really need Batman? NOPE!
No wonder the next issues of World’s Finest will be team-ups with different heroes.