Secret Wars II #5

Secret Wars II #5 (1985)
by Jim Shooter & Al Milgrom

 The Marvel Unlimited synopsis for this issue makes it sound awesome:

Beyonder develops the kind of depression only man can feel, and Earth’s heroes must decide whether to strike. At his most vulnerable, will the nigh-omnipotent One succumb to Earth’s mightiest? The Beyonder stares into the cosmic void, and the void stares back.

I wish that story existed. Instead we have this one.

The Beyonder is taking a walk on some train tracks, and he decides to disintegrate it. At least he lets the civilians live.

Well I assume those are civilians. Some might be supervillains, like Tiger Pants and Steel Tights here.

This is where he meets the co-star of this issue: future superheroine Boom-Boom (among her many, many codenames). I would make fun of her looks, but she’s 13 so she kind of gets a pass.

Boom-Boom can be a little irritating at times, but she’s a FAR more sympathetic character than the Beyonder.

I’ve always found her power interesting. Nothing groundbreaking, mind you… she just makes balls of energy that explode… but the way she can control their power and the timing of their explosion makes for a surprisingly versatile power.

The two bond over the fact that the Beyonder is very sad for having been dumped by Dazzler in the previous issue.

Although Boom-Boom’s advise is not exactly great. But again, she’s a 13 year old who just escaped her abusive parents, so she gets a pass.

The Beyonder is so fed up with his story (TELL ME ABOUT IT) that he decides to leave the universe entirely. And once more, Boom-Boom hints at more dark aspects of her life.

Yeah, uhm, the Boom-Boom part of the story can be a bit of a bummer. And it hasn’t reached the darkest moment yet.

This is the first time we re-visit the Beyonder’s home dimension. Which is completely empty, but at least that’s easy to draw.

Still, the Beyonder is basically omnipotent, so it’s not like he has to miss anything.

Even outside her own series, Dazzler still cannot escape her Obligatory Underwear Scene.

Boom-Boom left a little present for the Beyonder. No wonder I like her!

This does cause him to go back to Earth, like she intended. But not to punish her, because it’s not like he was actually hurt by the experience.

Boom-Boom previously mentioned a school for mutants, so the Beyonder decided to help her get to Xavier’s school.

This is… NOT the best look for the X-Men. First of all, Colossus doesn’t even understand Boom-Boom is a mutant looking for shelter! Which SHOULD be one of the highest priorities for the team!

But even worse, as soon as they sense the Beyonder, they COMPLETELY forget about the girl and attack him like mindless idiots. Expect to see more on that in the rest of the series (and not just limited to the X-Men).

Nice job, jackasses.

To be fair to the X-Men, we are told Rachel Summers telepathically pushed them to attack.
But on the other hand, even when the mind control fails they STILL don’t give a crap about the 13 year old mutant, so f##k the X-Men.

Even when Boom-Boom yells at the Beyonder to make him come back and threatening to blow herself up if he doesn’t come back, they STILL ignore her.
This is taking place right next to the X-Mansion! Wolverine has super-hearing and Rachel is a telepath! Why doesn’t anyone notice her!?!?

Boom-Boom is so distraught that she decides to kill herself for real.

To reiterate: if it wasn’t for the Beyonder, the X-Men would’ve caused a runaway 13 year old to commit suicide in their backyard. F##k the X-Men.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the story goes completely off the rails.

Yes.

NOW.

All the more “sophisticated” races in the universe know about the Beyonder, while on Earth basically nobody knows who he is.
Sounds legit, for real this time!

I don’t know, Beyonder, you might learn a thing or two from the Celestials about shutting up.

I absolutely adore the Celestials as a concept and 99% of the time in execution, and I do agree they’re not exactly above being reprimanded for some stupid crap they pulled… but this coming from the Beyonder sounds VERY hollow.

In a clear parallel with Boom-Boom’s earlier scenes, the Beyonder fakes wanting to destroy the universe just to get attention, only to then get serious.

This turns into, of course, a big dumb fight.

Unsurprisingly, Boom-Boom is not impressed by this.

The Beyonder, being his usual clueless self, tries to bribe her into liking him again.

So the Beyonder goes back to Earth, trying to distract himself with some tie-ins and some music.

That sounds like a decent finale, but we are not done with the stupid!

Boom-Boom decides to warn the Avengers, who at least take her seriously (unlike the f###ing X-Men).

Unfortunately their idiocy has infected Boom-Boom, who calls back the Beyonder only to help the heroes gang up on him.

Remember when I said the X-Men are not the only heroes to act like idiots in this story?

Here we have the Avengers, the Fantastic Four and even Doctor Strange attacking the Beyonder without provocation. Granted, the Beyonder DID prove himself to be unstable and dangerous in a couple of tie-ins, but mostly it’s been minor stuff.
This is the heroes attacking him because he’s too powerful to be allowed to exist, which… ugh.

Normally I would say that Captain America is the only one with a brain here…

…but he’s just as bad as the others.

THIS is how you picture Captain America!?!? With him basically saying “go back to your own country”!?!? This makes me sick, and I don’t even LIKE the Beyonder!!!

The “heroes” let the Beyonder go, which makes sense since they can’t do anything to him.
But they ALSO let down poor Boom-Boom, so… f##k superheroes, I guess?

---

For what it’s worth, Boom-Boom will return in X-Factor #11 the following year; it might just be the last time she ever references the Beyonder.
(despite appearances that’s not Xavier here, it’s minor villain The Vanisher)

I’ve always liked her. She’s basically a more ditzy version of Jubilee (if you can believe it) that is allowed to be badass and completely nuts.

---

Historical significance: 5/10
Boom-Boom is not exactly a household name, but she’s always around in the X-Men books. Considering she’s associated with X-Force, more than once she’s been the only character in the book that doesn’t suck.

Silver Age-ness: 8/10

Does it stand the test of time? -3/10
This COULD be salvageable. The Beyonder is not as irritating as in the previous issue, and this time there’s both character development and a story.
If the issue ended when the Beyonder sent Boom-Boom back to Earth, this could’ve been as high as a 5/10. But then it had to screw up everything.
Negative scores are limited to stories with horrible messages or damaging characterization, and you might guess why the latter applies to this one: ALL heroes are just TERRIBLE in this, not just the X-Men, with most being completely out of character.
The previous story also had troubling moments, but I can buy Dazzler being dumb enough to fall for the Beyonder for a while. Captain America, however?