Secret Wars II #8 (1986)
by Jim Shooter & Al Milgrom
There are only two issues left, so the series finally get around having a plot.
Not a good one, but still.
We begin with the Beyonder so angry he wants to destroy the universe, which coincidentally was the reaction of most readers to this series.
He REALLY goes all out, destroying entire planets…
…with Molecule Man immediately fixing everything.
More than a little over-the-top, but it’s one of the few almost passable moments of the story.
If it turns out the Beyonder wants to destroy all creation because he’s sick of hearing the way Molecule Man and Volcana talk to each other, he’s going to become my favorite character.
Molecule Man is acting as the Beyonder’s psychiatrist, so he suggest to look at his origins.
This leads to the Beyonder showing the incident that led to him discovering the Marvel Universe being shown in a different light.
And so it’s revealed that the same accident that created Molecule Man is the same thing that brought the Beyonder into the regular universe.
There are good and bad aspects to this revelation.
On the good side, it helps the relationship between Molecule Man and the Beyonder feel less random, and it gives legitimacy to Molecule Man’s HUGE jump in power level. Plus it gives the Beyonder a reason to focus on Earth, since it’s connected to his origin.
On the bad side, however… the Beyonder JUST HAPPENED to kidnap Molecule Man among other supervillains and he didn’t even know they were related!?
And then they spend several pages recapping the previous issues and a few of the tie-ins.
Considering I went through the trouble of reviewing every single Molecule Man story prior to Secret Wars, it’s no surprise that I like the character.
And I really enjoyed his romance with Volcana during the original Secret Wars.
But I’m with the Beyonder: their scenes in Secret Wars II are just UNBEARABLE.
Okay, in the middle of all this crap, there IS an inkling of an interesting concept: the Beyonder can’t really comprehend needing anything or anyone, so this COULD lead to a philosophical discussion between self-reliance and forming relationships.
You know, IF THIS SERIES TOLD A STORY INSTEAD OF WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME WITH MEANINGLESS CRAP.
The Beyonder is suddenly paranoid that Molecule Man wants to kill him (WHY!?), and randomly gives him 24 hours before he’s going to destroy the entire universe.
Also: notice the Beyonder calling Volcana a cow. You might remember Enchantress did the same in the original Secret Wars… I though it was just her being her usual catty diva, but I guess Shooter finds it hilarious that Volcana is supposed to be overweight.
And what is the Beyonder going to do for those 24 hours? Apparently going back to his old lifestyle from his blond days.
Why would he bother mind controlling that guy into evacuating the building? Can’t he just teleport the occupants away? Or even create his own suite from scratch?
And why does he mind control the first woman he sees to sleep with him? He’s made it abundantly clear before that he doesn’t really care for sex.
I just realized… you know how Volcana is completely obsessed with Molecule Man in this series?
What if it’s not a massive character regression for her… but instead it’s Molecule Man using his godly powers to infatuate her? It could even be subconscious, since he’s new to this stuff.
Nah, I’m probably putting more thought into this than Shooter did.
The Beyonder has slipped into full supervillain mode, enjoying mortals being afraid of him (SINCE WHEN!?). But his main concern is still understanding why mortals care being alive.
Since Shooter’s ONLY argument seems to be “life is good before it’s short”, I’m also annoyed at seeing the same answer repeated over and over again.
Stop making me agree with the Beyonder, dammit!
And then SUDDEN X-MEN !!!
Why did you guys even bother!? At this point all the heroes know that the Beyonder is WAY out of their league.
The only one who MIGHT have a shot is Rachel Summers, who at this time was the host of the Phoenix Force. Which makes me question WTF are the other X-Men here for.
Her attack is shown in a splash page that I begrudgingly admit is all kinds of awesome.
The attack does absolutely nothing because it’s the Beyonder.
It’s suggested that the Beyonder decided to spend his time in San Francisco because he knew the X-Men were hanging there, but it feels like a stretch. Yeah he does say that IF he left himself open then Phoenix MIGHT have had a shot at killing him, but… that is one big IF.
Molecule Man is watching this, and he randomly decides the Beyonder is coming for him right now. Even though the 24 hours are not over yet.
In a panic, Molecule Man decides to shield the entire city of Denver (that’s where he lives) in a huge barrier.
That’s a neat throwback to his first story, when he did the same thing in New York.
Unsurprisingly, the shield doesn’t accomplish anything.
You might think this would lead to the Beyonder meeting Molecule Man, but nope!
For whatever reason, the Beyonder decides he hasn’t had enough random cameos so he decides to talk to the Hulk.
In this period the Hulk and Banner had been separated, so this leads to the other halfway decent moment of the issue: the Beyonder seeing the parallel.
He also goes to visit Spider-Man. Unfortunately, this doesn’t lead into another use of his bathroom.
The Beyonder asks Spider-Man why mortals care about anything. The answer is an anecdote about a guy throwing himself off the roof only to accept Spider-Man saving him.
Which leads to… are you kidding me, AGAIN with the same exact lesson!?!?
STOP MAKING ME AGREE WITH THE BEYONDER!!!
Say hello to the New Mutants!
And then NEXT PANEL say goodbye to the New Mutants!
I don’t know if that is the most gratuitous cameo ever, but it’s up there.
The 24 hours are almost up, and despite being grumpy the entire issue, the Beyonder suddenly decides that maybe he’ll listen to Molecule Man.
And yes, this turn comes exactly out of nowhere.
So naturally, Molecule Man greets him with a direct attack before he has time to speak.
Which surprisingly ALMOST hurts the Beyonder, but it’s still useless.
And then… THIS happens.
You know what, Beyonder? Just blow up the universe.
Just having it around has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
(apologies to Douglas Adams)
Molecule Man is so heartbroken that the Beyonder finds him too pathetic to kill. Not that it’s going to matter, since he plans to destroy EVERYTHING.
To be fair, Volcana just improvised the whole scene to change the Beyonder’s mind.
It’s still an awful scene.
And so we end the story with the Avengers randomly attacking the Beyonder.
This won’t matter in the slightest.
Good thing this series has only one more issue, because I don’t think I could take much more of this crap.
Historical significance: 7/10
Being the story that officially links Molecule Man and Beyonder has some ramifications, mostly for the two of them but later on for the rest of the Marvel Universe.
Silver Age-ness: 2/10
The random cameos and the heroes acting like idiots should be higher, but even at its worst the Silver Age was nowhere this meandering so it’s relatively low.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
This is an unpleasant issue to read. Not for the usual reasons… the writing is terrible and the artwork is atrocious, save for that splash page… but it’s an angry story.
The Beyonder is our point of view character and he spends the entire time being annoyed by everything, which results in the reader also feeling the same way.
