World’s Finest #217

World’s Finest #217 (1973)
by Bob Haney & Dick Dillin
cover by Nick Cardy

This issue is very dear to me because it’s probably the first Superman story I ever read.
I can’t exactly be sure: I had two issues of the Italian reprints, so there is another contender that I’ll probably review at some point.
I didn’t know this one was from World’s Finest… there was no indication of which series was being reprinted… but in hindsight it was pretty obvious.
Also for the longest time I thought this was Composite Superman.

But no, this is a Metamorpho story. And we open with him taking a bath in some chemicals (as one does) while one of the supporting characters from his book, the brutish Java, plays around pretending to be Composite Superman.

If you’re not up to Metamorpho lore, it’s… uhm, it’s quite something. Because Java is actually an unfrozen Neanderthal.

I can’t get over the fact that a magazine would publish a survey like this. I can understand listing Batman’s abilities, but who could possibly answer “yes” to most of these!?

To avoid being reprimanded by his boss, the jackass industrialist Simon Stagg, Java throws the costume into the same vat where Metamopho is…

…where the experiment that was supposed to turn Metamorpho back to human form ends up fusing him with the costume.

And SOMEHOW this gives him Superman’s powers, because Java programmed the computer monitoring the process!!!

Also he has “Batman’s powers” now.

But Metamorpho ALSO kept his shapeshifting powers, meaning he’s 9/10ths of a Martian Manhunter now.

One of the main things about Metamorpho is that he really hates being what he is, because it’s a bit of a roadblock for his relationship with Stagg’s daughter Sapphire.
But he really enjoys being “Super-Freak”.

Especially after he hears from Plot Convenient Radio that he can show off against Superman.

There is something VERY meta about Bob Haney writing a story where his creation Metamorpho is shown to be better than Superman.

Also: I know I make jokes about Superman being The Worst, but… having him calling ANYONE “a freak” feels so, so very wrong. Even if Metamorpho calls himself “Super-Freak”, it just rubs me the wrong way.

On the other hand, I’m not surprised to see Metamorpho is better than Batman in a Bob Haney story. We’ve already seen that Haney writes a TERRIBLE Batman.

Haney just can’t stick to a single codename, isn’t it? He’s already called Metamorpho AND Super-Freak, now he’s Element Man too!?

Metamorpho naturally solves the case and gets all the fame and glory.

Sooo… remember when I said I typically bring up Superman being just. The. Worst?

They are SO upset about Metamorpho solving ONE of their cases that they defect to “America’s biggest international rival”!!!

Which apparently, in 1973 DC Comics was “Slavia”.

Because apparently Metamorpho is the only other superhero on the planet according to this story, the President asks him to stop Superman and Batman.

Meanwhile, Batman and Superman are selling to Slavia all the secrets from America’s atomic submarines. Kind of scary that they know THIS much, isn’t it?

And they celebrate by smashing their drink against a wall instead of drinking. (WTF!?)

However Metamorpho Super-Freak is onto them, because he managed to hide inside the gigantic roast the Slavian leader had ready for a feast.
In Soviet Slavia, roast eats you!

And this SOMEHOW turns into a contest to see who’s the best hero. WTF is happening!?

Apparently Haney thinks the most impressive thing about Batman is that he’s a pilot?

I don’t want to think about what Metamorpho is doing here.

Batman, famously known for his fondness for military weapons. I guess it’s not technically a gun.

Look I know it’s a given Batman was going to lose this fight, but maybe leave him a little dignity?

Superman has, of course, a better show.

Metamorpho then brings out his ultimate weapon: bubblegum!

ANTI-MATTER BUBBLEGUM. You just can’t make this stuff up.

If both Batman and Superman failed, certainly Slavia’s ultimate weapon will!

The robot spider manages to defeat Metamorpho by shooting “Fear Photons” at him.

Which apparently violates international law, so Superman and Batman… who were only faking being helpless… destroy the robot spider and arrest the Slavian leader.

Because surely this was the best possible way to expose Slavia’s super-weapon.

And Metamorpho loses all of his extra powers because “they wore off”.

The fact I became a Superman fan despite this being my first exposure to him is nothing short of a miracle.

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Historical significance: 0/10
When I first read this story, I thought Slavia must’ve been an important part of Superman’s lore.
It never appears again in anything else.

Silver Age-ness: 30/10
MAGIC COMPUTERS!!! ANTI-MATTER BUBBLEGUM!!!

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Yeah, uhm, this is pretty bad. Bob Haney is CLEARLY more interested in writing Metamorpho than anything else! He’s not a bad character and his own series was rather revolutionary for the times, going against many DC clichés… but here he’s just too much.
The story also makes little to no sense. Java telling the computer about Superman’s powers SOMEHOW gives them to Metamorpho? Superman and Batman being THAT insecure the second anyone else gets praised? Not to mention the absurdity of their plan to deal with Slavia, or the notion to suddenly introduce a blatant stand-in for the Soviet Union.

Did Superman really need Batman? Not really