Superman #173

Superman #173 (1964)
cover by Curt Swan

My wonderful readers pointed out that this comic contains a Legion cameo of sorts.
That’s in only one of the three stories published here, but they’re so stupid that I’ve decided to review all three. They also serve as a throwback to older retrospectives!

“The Untouchable Clark Kent!”
by Leo Dorfman & Curt Swan

We begin with Lois Lane and Clark (Superman) Kent meeting a famous actor from the 1930s.
I’m not too familiar with movies of the era so I don’t know if it’s a reference to a specific actor.

The actor has suffered such a breakdown that he believes Clark is a gangster.

And not just any random mobster: he thinks he’s John Dillinger himself.

Hold on a minute… if Clark Kent looks like Dillinger with glasses… does that mean Superman is supposed to look like Dillinger?

Yeah I don’t see it.

But I’m wondering if Superman is thinking back about that time Dillinger swapped minds with Ultra Boy.
Then again, Superboy was Adolph Hitler during it.

So this is the setup of the story: Superman is going to pretend he’s Dillinger to protect his secret identity.
Which, in typical Silver Age Superman fashion, is way more complicated than necessary.
Even assuming the actor’s gun is real… doesn’t Superman have at least a dozen ways to disable the gun without revealing his powers?
Heck, he’s much younger than the actor, just overpower him and take his gun! There are ways to do it without making people think you’re Superman!

But no, he agrees to drive the actor to a building housing various movie props.

Okay, credit where it’s due: the fact the gangster doubts Clark is Dillinger because Lois keeps saying he’s not… that’s actually kind of clever AND realistic!

If you think about it, Lois Lane has a very depressing way to look at life: EVERYONE EXCEPT SUPERMAN must suck at absolutely everything!
Clark can’t just have surprisingly good aim, her first suspicion MUST be that he’s Superman!
Also: did they use live ammunition on the sets of 1930s gangster movies???

Next is making some bulletproof vests.

See what I meant? Her first thought is ALWAYS that everything good MUST come from Superman.

Honestly I’m a bit surprised she doesn’t go “but how could he know the vest would work? He must be Superman!”.

So far Clark has only done things that a normal human could conceivably accomplish without powers. At least throwing a grenade into the stratosphere IS something superhuman!

Or he could have made a bomb with helium.
Which famously lifts heavy objects at very fast speeds.
Sounds legit.

Best decision Silver Age Superman has ever taken.

Without Lois around, Superman is able to easily knock out the actor.

As a throwback, let’s return to our time-honored game of “Guess the stupid ending!”.
How does Superman help the actor?

A) curing his insanity with super-hypnosis
B) curing his insanity with super-science
C) taking him to Kandor to be cured of his insanity
D) taking him to the future to be cured of his insanity
E) taking him back in time to meet the real Dillinger

And the answer is…

Well it’s actually more complicated than that (because Silver Age): Superman’s super-science gives the actor a vision of a robbery going wrong, which shocks him back to sanity.

I’m honestly surprised Lois doesn’t think “but only Superman could have pushed me into a closet!”.

You do deserve an award, Superman. For shoving Lois into a closet.

Historical significance: 10/10
This is actually one of the most influential Superman stories ever, as we will learn that… nah, I’m just trolling you.

Historical significance: 0/10
Deservedly forgotten.

Silver Age-ness: 10/10
It was very low until Superman suddenly builds a telepathic helmet to be worn beneath a rubber mask.

Does it stand the test of time? 2/10
The Curt Swan pencils are the only selling point, particularly in the panel where the actor hallucinates the death of the gangsters. But even he can’t save this one.

Stupid Lois Lane moment
Only Superman can aim!

“Tales of Green Kryptonite No.1”
by Otto Binder & Al Plastino

This one has one of the most bonkers premises of the entire Silver Age, WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING.

It’s the history of Kryptonite… being narrated by a piece of Kryptonite.

One of the aspects of Kryptonite that is often overlooked is that every single piece of it used to be a specific part of Krypton.
Sure, 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999% of it must have been just a rock, but some parts do have surprising origins.

The typical Kryptonian nuclear family: father, mother, son, family dog and family monkey.
Also it’s kind of weird to see Lara being defined as “Jor-El’s wife” and not as “Kal-El’s mother”… which makes me realize that out of the many Elseworlds and Imaginary Stories done with Superman’s family, I can’t think of a single one where Jor-El had a previous wife.

Our narrator turns into Kryptonite once the planet explodes, and arrives on Earth.

Specifically in Africa.
Please don’t do anything racist please don’t do anything racist…

Before anything racist can happen, Beppo the Super-Monkey shows up.

I’m not TOO familiar with Beppo’s history, so I double checked his origin story (Superboy #76… guess I’ll have to review that story, eventually).
And he DID arrive on Earth together with Superman, so his presence here checks out.

Up to a point at least, because to make this story and the origin work, it means that Beppo:
1) landed on Earth
2) fled to the jungle
3) move back to Smallville, where he meets Superbaby in Superboy #76
4) return to the jungle (this has to be AFTER Superboy #76 because he has his costume)
5) move back to Smallville AGAIN (because Superboy #76 ends with him leaving Earth immediately after a final interaction with Superbaby)

Yeah Beppo is… uhm… he’s something else.

This specific piece of Kryptonite might be both radioactive AND cursed, because its plane crashes.

And because of AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE, the rock ends up in Smallville!!!

I’m guessing this is the earliest possible moment Superman has been affected by Kryptonite in his life, right? It couldn’t happen back on Krypton (for obvious reasons).

Kryptonite is eventually just left around because… well it’s just a rock… until it’s picked up by Professor Lang.
Who is apparently teaching geology? This is Lana Lang’s father, isn’t he supposed to be an archeologist?

Nothing exemplifies just how much secret identities used to take precedence over anything else than the fact that A PIECE OF ROCK is worried about Superboy’s secret identity!!!

I’m pretty sure there are OTHER Superbaby stories that feature Kryptonite, but I still think this one could seriously have been the very first to land.

I’ve said it before, but Smallville has a really serious problem with crime.

Oh come on, this is ridiculous! I know the effects of Kryptonite used to be very inconsistent (although by 1964 this is too much), but he seriously can’t move his foot here???

Especially when he has the dexterity to get in costume underwater!
JUST MOVE YOUR FOOT A LITTLE!!!

Thankfully, Krypto is a good boy.

Surely Lex Luthor will find a way to help.

This is Lex Luthor before he became bald and evil, but considering he’s testing radiation on a dog… maybe he wasn’t that good to begin with.

And so we end with the revelation that Lex Luthor really DID discover a way to make Kryptonite harmless… but nobody noticed.

And nobody will ever know, except for a thinking rock in the middle of nowhere.

Historical significance: ???/10
If… and that’s a big IF… this story is canon, then it’s potentially the very first exposure to Kryptonite. In that case it could potentially be a 1/10.

Silver Age-ness: 4∞/10
SENTIENT KRYPTONITE is responsible for a surprising amount of Superman lore!!!

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10

That’s how the story ends. While it promises to have a follow up “in an early issue”, the sequel is in Superman #176.

Where the sentient Kryptonite runs into Superman AGAIN, despite being in the middle of the Arctic…

…and is (retroactively) responsible for Superman finding the best place where to build the Fortress of Solitude.

AND the same Kryptonite rock is exposed to YET ANOTHER dose of radiation to make it harmless, resulting in it becoming harmful to humans.

The sequel confirms my theory about this particular piece being cursed, because not only it ends being harmful to Superman AGAIN…

…it’s also turned into Red Kryptonite!!!

Its effects are shown in Superman #177: it makes him speak Kryptonese.

Which then Superman uses to MAKE HIS DOG SPEAK.

The saga ends with Superman #179, with the rock turning into the most dangerous form of Kryptonite. The gold one, which permanently removes powers.

Superman doesn’t even learn it, but he’s saved from losing his powers by two Kandorians.
It’s interesting to note that the effects of Gold Kryptonite are so extreme that even your children will never get powers!!! Silver Age stories tend to treat Gold Kryptonite as turning Kryptonians into 100% humans, not just removing their powers.

They are then condemned into a life of abject horror, living inside a dollhouse in Jimmy Olsen’s room.

Once Superman learns about their actions, he officiates their marriage.

Despite the ending threatening ANOTHER installment, I believe this is how the story of the Sentient Kryptonite ends.

The two Kandorians never show up again.
In my headcanon they returned to Kandor anyway.

“The Triumph of Luthor and Brainiac!”
by Jerry Siegel & George Papp

Well… that was incredibly stupid. Who could POSSIBLY top that?

Ah yes, that’s what Jimmy Olsen is known for. HIS WITS.

Jimmy has been lured into a trap by none other than Lex Luthor and Brainiac, who for some reason are hanging out on an alien planet.

Please note that the master plan of the two baldies was just calling Superman and ambush him once he arrived on the planet.

This is a planet that idolizes villains. Most likely because its people are bald.

And we have finally reached the reason why I had to talk about this issue.
If it was just for a series of portraits of the Legionnaires, I might have skipped it…

…but I had to cover THIS.

Ladies and gentlemen: you’ve seen the Legion, you’ve seen the Adult Legion, and now I give you… the Geriatric Legion.

I don’t know what I love the most… the fact that people with antigravity technology still have to use canes, Chameleon Boy’s hearing aid, Saturn Girl looking like Ma Kent…
Or the fact that EVEN THIS OLD they still haven’t ditched the “boy” and “girl” from their codenames!!!
This is particularly hilarious for Cosmic Boy and Saturn Girl, as their Adult Legion counterparts were Cosmic Man and Saturn Woman.

But even that absurdity PALES in comparison to whatever the heck Brainiac is saying here.
Please, can someone translate to me what the heck this is supposed to mean? I don’t speak crazy.

Guys, guys, there’s no need to argue. As long as someone PLEASE gets rid of Jimmy Olsen.

It’s also right before the cover scene.

To decide who’s going to kill Jimmy Olsen, the Bald Duo then play a game of “who can destroy the most planets”.

Jimmy is then put in jail by a robot, but escapes when the robot FOR SOME REASON has to open its circuitry to make repairs.

Jimmy Olsen has figured out what’s really going on… but can you win a second time of “Guess the stupid ending”?

What is actually happening?

A) Lex and Brainiac are actually Superman and Batman
B) Lex and Brainiac are actually Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite
C) Lex and Brainiac are actually Cosmic Boy and Saturn Girl
D) It’s all a dream

And the answer is… why exactly is Jimmy friends with these people???

I begrudgingly admit Jimmy’s deduction is great.

Superman, I appreciate the sentiment, but there HAD to be better ways to teach Jimmy Olsen to STOP GETTING IN THE WAY.

The other thing that tipped Jimmy into breaking the illusion was the color of everyone’s eyes.

Ah, yes, of course. HOW COULD WE MISS THAT!

So why did Superman risk revealing his secret identity to Jimmy Olsen?
Because he knew Jimmy Olsen was too dumb to figure out the truth and because Silver Age Superman is just. The. Worst.