LOIS LANE #39 (1963)
“The Girl Who Hated Superman!” – writer unknown, penciler Kurt Schaffenberger
“Lois Lane’s Romance with Clark Kent!” – writer unknown, penciler Curt Swan
“The Kryptonian Courtship!” – writer unknown, penciler Kurt Schaffenberger
We have a lot to get through, so I’m not going to spend too much time on the idea that Superman is hiding pictures of his mistresses in a safe.
Our first story is an imaginary tale of Lois Lane marrying Superman and teaching their son how to play bowling.
Okay, supposedly this is to teach him the alphabet, but come on.
Everything looks great until Superman’s son Larry opens a safe, revealing the pictures of Superman’s old girlfriends.
I know we’re supposed to be shocked by the revelation that Superman may be cheating on Lois, but to me the worst part is that Superman named his son Larry.
The collection of L.L. also includes Luma Lynai from Action Comics #289.
Remember her? She’s the alien that Superman wanted to bang because she looks like his teenage cousin. I won’t blame you if you don’t want to remember her.
Once Superman gets back home, Lois throws everything at him. He says he has a reasonable explanation, but instead of telling it he stalls for time.
But Lois won’t let him speak, rushing to leave the house but leaving her son behind.
Since she left her job to marry Superman (this is 1963 after all), she tries to go back to the Daily Planet with… interesting results.
What the… Lana works for a TV station. Does Perry own both the Daily Planet AND the TV station? And does the Daily Planet only have ONE journalist!? I’m pretty sure Clark Kent isn’t working at the Planet anymore. It’s more believable that Perry is salty about Lois leaving her job and wanting some revenge on her.
Lois eventually returns to the Fortress of Solitude to look after Larry, who is making some chemistry experiments. He’s super-smart, even if he speaks like a Bizarro like all Silver Age children.
She’s so angry at those portraits that she tries to destroy them in the fireplace, much to Superman’s horror.
Damaging the paintings is doing all sorts of things to the people they represent, including making Lana spit fire.
But one of the pictures was of Jimmy. Is he one of Superman’s lovers too?
Nah. But Jimmy’s blind now, so at least there’s some good news.
Turns out that Larry was the one who botched Jimmy’s painting.
And ONLY his painting. He didn’t even touch the others.
You know, maybe the kid isn’t so bad after all.
But what’s the deal with the paintings? They were enchanted by one of Superman’s enemies, the Circe the sorceress, because he didn’t want to marry her.
Changing your name to something with the initials L.L. would’ve been easier, Circe.
But wait, isn’t there a picture of Lois among the portraits?
Ah, so that’s the real origin behind the whole thing about Henry Cavill not shaving his moustache for the Justice League movie.
The second story starts with Lana Lang winning a beauty contest.
And Lois fainting as Superman shows up to give her the prize.
This is serious enough for both a physical and mental check-up.
If you ever need to sum up Silver Age Lois Lane in a single panel, here it is.
I’m not entirely sure this is a real psychiatrist, though, considering his “cure”.
I’m fairly sure that this isn’t how psychiatry works. Even in the 60s.
So Lois goes on a date with Clark Kent, and it goes remarkably well.
You have no idea how refreshing it is to see Lois NOT jump to the conclusion that Clark is Superman at the slightest hint. She’s acting like a normal person!
Things escalate quickly, to the point that after their second date Lois starts to drops some heavy hints…
…but all it takes to change her mind is Clark getting one scoop before she does.
All things considered, she took it better than I expected.
The third and last story begins with Supergirl bringing a birthday present for Lois.
Ah yes, the old “memories of your boyfriend’s dead mother” birthday present.
Turns out that Superman’s mother Lara won Jor-El’s heart with a space cake.
I would say “you know where this is going”, but I hope for your sanity that you don’t.
Also: hello 1960 gender stereotypes, I was expecting you to show up.
As if Lois couldn’t get more pathetic, she even accepts relationship advice from Superman’s dog.
I’m beginning to suspect that Superman’s crappy relationship issues are genetic, considering Jor-El falling for Lara because she pretends that she doesn’t care if other women kiss him.
This gives Lois an idea to win over Superman’s heart: be his pimp!
Superman finds this distasteful ONLY because these women smell.
Next hint from the memory crystal: Jor-El was into women that didn’t need to be rescued every five minutes.
Superman’s mom was kind of a badass.
This prompts Lois to get the help of Superman’s telepathic mermaid side-chick Lori Lemaris and her pet sea-serpent.
Who could’ve thought that SUMMONING A GIANT SEA-SERPENT would turn out to be a bad idea?
This is the last straw for Superman, who unceremoniously dumps Lois.
Except it’s all a dream.
Who knew that Lois was this obsessed over Superman! Other than this guy:
Historical significance: 0/10
Between an imaginary tale and a dream, what did you expect?
Silver Age-ness
First story: 10/10
Second story: 6/10
Third story: 8/10
The only slightly redeeming part is Lois acting like a person for a couple of panels.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
This is awful. Nothing egregiously hateful, for once, but Lois is just a terrible person in each story.
I could see SOME potential in the third story, in the sense of “Lois learns how Lara won Jor-El’s heart”, but everything in the execution sucks.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: Lois finds the pictures of Superman’s old flames and thinks he’s cheating, fair enough. But Jimmy’s picture is also there, as well as a picture of Lois. So… did Lois think that Superman was cheating on her with herself?
Second story: just because things don’t work out with Clark doesn’t mean that you need to go back to things no working out with Superman, Lois.
Third story: sure let’s summon a sea monster next to a warship, what could possibly go wrong?
Interesting trivia: this is one of those issues with the “statement of ownership”, meaning that we are told that in the previous year of 1962 this series was selling an average of 490,000 copies.
So I guess it’s less “interesting trivia” and more like “depressing trivia”.