LOIS LANE #89 (1969)
by Leo Dorfman & Curt Swan
Cover by Carmine Infantino
An imaginary story about Lois Lane marrying Bruce Wayne? Sure, why not.
I absolutely love Superman’s facial expression.
Also: I get what he means to say, but “she’s marrying him for himself” really doesn’t sound like the horrible thing he believes.
The teaser page is HILARIOUS.
Judging by her dress, I expect to find out they married in Ancient Rome or something.
And Superman peeking from behind a stalagmite is worth the book’s price.
We begin in Wayne Manor, where Bruce Wayne visits the completely normal shrine to Lois Lane.
He gets the chance to meet her at a masquerade ball, where he goes dressed as Achilles and Lois is dressed as Joan of Arc… complete with an armored horse who almost kills her when he’s frightened.
Where does one buy armor for a horse in the 20th century? Asking for a friend.
Then Superman and Wonder Woman show up! You might not recognize her since, during this time, Wondy had lost her powers.
I’m pretty sure that kind of thing is against Legion regulations, Supes.
And obviously Lois gets all Lois Lane about Wonder Woman.
And of course this means that Lois falls in love with Bruce.
Inevitably, this leads to Lois Lane Marriage #1,157.
If you are only familiar with the modern Lois Lane, you might expect her to be upset to find out Bruce didn’t tell her he was Batman before the wedding.
But this is Silver Age Lois, so…
You might also expect this to be a story where Superman is jealous of Batman for stealing his girlfriend, but… nope! Instead ROBIN is jealous that Lois stole his boyfriend!
Yeah, try reading this in 2021 and NOT think that he’s not exactly worried about crimefighting here.
Remember that this is an imaginary story, so superheroes are not only allowed but encouraged to reproduce.
Come to think of it, this might actually be the secret origin of the Super-Sons. After all we never learned the identities of the kids’ mothers, so Batman Junior COULD have been the son of Lois!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when the story goes completely off the rails.
Beginning with Gotham City’s Crime Syndicate holding an election. (WTF!?)
And the winner is Gimmick Master, who beat the competition thanks to the Stupor-Ray Device. ™
Are we SURE it’s not supposed to be a typo for “Stupid-Ray Device”? Because the existence of that technology would explain soooooo much of the Silver Age!
The Gimmick Master’s plan is… something. He invites several Gotham City celebrities to have their brains scanned for scientific research (???), and he picks the people who know Batman the best.
I don’t know Silver Age Batman enough to be 100% sure, but a quick research about those guys came up short so they’re probably made up for this comic.
The experiment includes scanning their brain waves while letting them hear a fake news bulletin about Batman being shot, and since Lois has the biggest reaction they deduce that she knows him best.
Gimmick Master then tortures Lois by using his Vocal Concentrator (which he failed to trademark because IT’S BLATANTLY JUST A MEGAPHONE!!!).
You get ONE chance to guess what name Lois blurts out as Batman’s secret identity.
So of course:
We could easily end things right here, with Superman and Batman tracing the attack back to Gimmick Master.
But this comic wouldn’t be stupid enough so instead Lois buys Clark a ticket for the opera.
And I thought that the megaphone was a letdown. This is as lame as Gimmick Master can possibly get (and it’s not like he was the Joker to begin with!)
Batman uses the opportunity to arrest Gimmick Master and Clark Kent has a clear excuse for not being Superman.
This is one of the many, MANY stories that clearly demonstrates that Superman’s worries about Lois dying at the hands of criminals were bulls#it… but it’s not like the comic can actually SAY it, so it has to backtrack. HARD.
Historical significance: 0/10
Being an imaginary story does that to you.
Silver Age-ness: 6/10
Just about average for the time.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
It’s by no means the worst imaginary story I’ve read, but this was extremely dull. The only saving grace is the Curt Swan artwork.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
Lois not figuring out that Bruce Wayne is Batman until AFTER the wedding is to be expected, but the Gimmick Master trap should’ve been embarrassingly easy to spot!