Dazzler #33 (1984)
by Mike Carlin & Mark Bright
cover by Bill Sienkiewicz
“Chiller!”
The series has been a stumbling corpse for a while, but don’t let the cover fool you: Dazzler doesn’t REALLY turn into a zombie this issue.
God forbid things get interesting…
We begin with Dazzler leaving the theater because the horror movie is too scary for her.
Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen!
I’m not a big fan of horror movies, but her friend Janet (introduced last issue) is right: what did Dazzler expect!?
YOU LITERALLY FACED NIGHTMARE PERSONIFIED!!!
The plot finally starts with Roman Nekoboh calling Dazzler to invite her at a fancy party.
He’s trying to introduce her to several movie stars and producers, which is kind of the reason Dazzler started hanging out with him. But Roman is creepily very controlling.
She even gets to meet the director of the movie that was too scary for her.
We’ve been shown plenty of times that Dazzler is actually a very talented singer… to a ridiculous degree… but she keeps getting jobs because she’s hot.
Imagine what kind of scumbag the director must be if Roman thinks he’s too sketchy!!!
And then Dazzler has to save the director from his exploding car!!!
Oh good, I was scared there for a moment we’d get something interesting!
Times really have changed for the series: now the camera is pointed at the OTHER way when Dazzler undresses!
Time for Dazzler’s audition. In addition to being a ridiculously great singer, we’ve been shown that Dazzler is an physics-defying dancer, so surely THAT is going to matter?
The cover didn’t completely lie: Dazzler is at least cosplaying as a zombie, because she’s been hired for a music video for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.
Sorry, I meant Teddy Lindgard’s “Chiller”.
I know absolutely nothing about the production of 80s music videos, but this cannot have been legal at the time right?
So Dazzler is buried alive (!!!!) and only saves herself thanks to her powers.
And the director soon confesses he did everything as a publicity stunt.
Thank goodness aerobics instructors don’t need to breathe, otherwise this might have exposed Dazzler’s secret.
I can’t imagine why they didn’t ask Michael Jackson permission to use his name in this thing.
Dazzler #34 (1984)
by Mike Carlin & Geof Isherwood
cover by Bill Sienkiewicz
“Where Have All the Models Gone?”
Last time Dazzler went to prison things got hilariously absurd. Will she top herself?
Her friend Janet just got a job as a model, so why shouldn’t Dazzler give it a try?
It’s not like her singing career is anything better lately.
“Should I put ANY effort into my career? Nah, I’ll just stumble into things as usual”.
And then she decides she’s not just going to be a model, but her own photographer as well!
I know absolutely nothing about this kind of thing, but… would it really have been this cheap to have your own dark room, including all the chemicals and equipment?
I guess so, because not only Dazzler says she’s low on money, but Peter Parker had this routine going on even when he was absolutely broke.
This story is historically significant because of a completely unexpected return: Millie the Model, of all people!!!
Okay, this requires a tangent because Millie doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
I know you’re dying to see if this issue manages to avoid doing anything interesting, but bear with me.
Mille The Model was a comics juggernaut for DECADES.
Her first series “Millie The Model Comics” lasted 143 issues, without interruptions from 1945 until 1966!!!
But that’s only on a technicality: the series dropped “Comics” from the title from issue #144 onward (even though it already disappeared from the cover earlier), which lasted all the way until #207 in 1973.
That’s right: Millie The Model had a series that lasted twenty-eight years straight, from 1945 to 1973!!!
And the series had a lot of talent attached to it. Millie was created by Ruth Atkinson, one of the pioneering women in comics, and the series would feature artwork from artists as varied as Mike Sekowsny, Stan Goldberg, Dan DeCarlo (BEFORE he worked on Archie Comics!) and even Harvey Kurtzman (!!!)
Stan Lee should probably considered the main writer for the series, writing well over a hundred stories!
Mille was SO popular that she had parallel series AND her supporting cast had its own spinoff!
Like Patsy Walker (the future Hellcat and other star of Marvel’s romance comics), Millie made the jump to regular Marvel continuity in 1965’s Fantastic Four Annual #3. Despite not being seen.
She would make a proper appearance in 1978’s Defenders #65, were David Kraft reintroduced her as the head of a modeling agency.
She wouldn’t appear again until 1984 in this issue of Dazzler, which marks the first time she appears anywhere after the end of her own series.
After the Dazzler issue she’s made a few cameos here and there. There’s been a couple of attempts to relaunch her, including a failed 1985 series starring her daughter Misty that I assume nobody has ever read.
(edit: as pointed out in the comments, she’s actually Millie’s niece)
Back to Dazzler: she’s FINALLY starting to get annoyed at Roman!
So Dazzler has landed a job interview with Millie, who she meets after dealing with her traditional rival Chili.
And that’s it: Dazzler gets the job without any fuss. So crisis avoided: we still don’t have anything interesting happening.
At her next modeling job, Dazzler randomly finds a business card for Revenge Inc.
I wonder what these guys’ headquarters must look like.
Then at the fashion show, the models start disappearing.
This includes Dazzler, because of course she can’t do anything about it.
The above panels make it VERY clear that models were teleported out of their clothes, so they should definitely appear naked.
But thanks to the Comics Code they are wearing *gasp* polyester!
And the criminal mastermind behind this kidnapping is… just some guy.
I don’t understand anything about fashion, sure, but I fail to see how these clothes are any different from those they were wearing before.
Okay so I can get behind the idea that this guy gave the models his own clothes.
But he took away their clothes only to leave them their bags!? Get outta here!!!
With this kind of comic, I half expected the nail file to actually work.
And the one to finally defeat the villain is… not Dazzler, of course.
Did you expect anything else?
The sentence “you understand why” should ALWAYS be followed by “not really” when it comes to this series.
Dazzler significance
“Chiller!”: 0/10
Deservedly forgotten.
“Where Have All the Models Gone?”: 2/10
Ever so slightly bumped by keeping Millie around.
Silver Age-ness
“Chiller!”: 3/10
“Where Have All the Models Gone?”: 7/10
Does it stand the test of time?
“Chiller!”: 0/10
“Where Have All the Models Gone?”: 4/10
Obligatory underwear shot: 35
Just because the comic finds an excuse for not showing them naked doesn’t mean it gets to skip the count.
Interesting letters: you know what, I could see Dazzler working out on West Coast Avengers.
It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch, since Wonder Man was both an actor and a member of the team. She would’ve been tangled into weird Steve Englehart romance plots, but anything’s better than THIS series!
In case you’ve been wondering: Dazzler ALSO sucks as an aerobics instructor.
