Dazzler #32 (1984)
script by Mike Carlin
plot by Mike Carlin & Jim Shooter
pencils by Mark Bright
cover by Bill Sienkiewicz
Mike Carlin will be the writer for the next three issues, but this was clearly a story by editorial mandate.
Last time Dazzler got a new job teaching aerobics, and that’s totally not for the fanservice.
That’s quite a popular class if even Medusa shows up!!!
I like how even Dazzler is aware she’s completely useless as a superhero.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen: she doesn’t take the offer to VISIT THE FREAKING MOON to teach aerobics!!!
Even when Medusa reminds her that Black Bolt saved her from the Absorbing Man back in issue 19, Dazzler STILL refuses to go!
Awww, she made the giant teleporting dog sad 🙁
All of this, again, to continue an aerobics class THAT’S ALREADY OVER!!!
I mean it’s not like these women are going back to class after it was interrupted by a giant teleporting dog, right?
They sure do! Dazzler’s real mutant power is to make everyone around her incredibly stupid.
Well that was quick.
Dazzler significance: 0/10
Her aerobics career is not harmed by this, and we don’t even learn why the Inhumans needed her.
Silver Age-ness: 8/10
I mean it IS a giant teleporting dog, how do you buy it’s just a stage performance!?
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
There’s refusing the call to adventure, and then there’s being THIS obstinate.
Yeah okay the story doesn’t ACTUALLY end there, but admit it, you wouldn’t be THAT surprised if this series pulled off something like that.
But Medusa is so convinced she needs Dazzler that she follows her in this amazing disguise!!!
What did I say about Dazzler making everyone dumb? Medusa was in the Fantastic Four for a considerable amount of time! She’s lived in New York, she KNOWS how humans dress!!!
Dazzler reluctantly accepts to help the Inhumans, on the condition that she won’t miss work.
And so we move to the moon. Which isn’t even in the top three weirdest places this series has gone to.
Honestly, the reason why the Inhumans thought of Dazzler makes a certain amount of sense: her power is to create light, and there’s a weird mass of pure darkness approaching.
You would think a mutant would be a little more accepting of people who look weird.
Dazzler always has her priorities straight.
Dazzler… normally I’d be glad to finally see a relatively normal person react to the awesomeness of the situation, but… you’ve been in other dimensions and inside a black hole!!!
The darkness is courtesy of supervillain Blackout, who was stranded in a dark dimension together with fellow villain Moonstone after fighting the Avengers.
Moonstone is an AWESOME supervillain, and it’s quite a breath of fresh air to FINALLY have a bad guy that can carry a story in this series!!!
She continues manipulating the mentally unstable Blackout as she did in her previous appearance.
Something else that carries over from the Avengers issue is that Blackout is not very bright (pun not intended).
Not only he was convinced that the dark side of the Moon was literally dark until he went there… he dearly drops the disguise once he notices Dazzler is hot!
“Ready for the first exploratory onslaught” is not generally a good thing to hear.
But that’s kind of accurate here: Black Bolt uses the sound of his voice, which in case you don’t know can LEVEL ENTIRE MOUNTAINS, to power-up Dazzler!
SOMEHOW this doesn’t completely disintegrate and/or blind Blackout.
Time for a second blast, to the tune of… oh come on, this was a perfect opportunity for another “GO FOR IT!”, have we abandoned the catchphrase now?
This exposes the villains, but Moonstone doesn’t have to worry too much.
Do we HAVE to suffer through another 10 issues of Dazzler? Can’t we just give Moonstone her own series?
Moonstone is quite a powerhouse: she manages to light up the entire Moon, and creating light is a secondary power at best for her!!!
That’s enough to attract the attention of the Fantastic Four, but the Inhumans don’t have the budget to have them as guest stars.
Apparently the fight between the two opposing teams goes on for a while.
Considering Dazzler was backed by the ridiculously powerful Black Bolt, it’s VERY impressive that Blackout lasted this long.
Considering that in this era Moonstone couldn’t breathe in space, and she’s outside of the Inhuman city so there’s no air… with Blackout taken down, he’s no longer creating air and she rapidly loses.
And so the Inhumans celebrate their victory, with a random Inhuman hitting on Dazzler.
He never shows up again.
Basically the entire reason this story exists is that the Moonstone and Blackout needed to escape the other dimension to join a new incarnation of the Masters of Evil in a future Avengers issue.
Even the dog is in a rush to get out of this series!
Okay, I’ll admit that Dazzler getting into bed just one minute before her alarm sounds is moderately funny. Very Spider-Man of her.
In case you were wondering, this doesn’t affect Dazzler’s career as an aerobics instructor.
Just kidding. Nobody has ever cared about that.
Dazzler significance: 0/10
Utterly forgotten as far as she is concerned. This has a little significance for Moonstone… after this one she’s recruited for “Rites of Conquest”, which is THE Masters of Evil storyline… but it’s two years after this story.
Silver Age-ness: 6/10
The students falling for Dazzler’s bulls#it is straight from the Silver Age, but there’s SOME attempt at scientific realism here and there.
Does it stand the test of time? 4/10
What a snoozefest. No wonder Dazzler doesn’t even feel like participating in the story.
Moonstone is a fantastic villain, but unfortunately she gets very little to do; she doesn’t even interact with Dazzler!!!
The artwork is solid and there’s less stupid than we’re used to in this series, but that’s not nearly enough to save it.