DAZZLER #10 (1981)
Writer: Danny Fingeroth (“from an idea by Tom DeFalco”)
Pencils Frank Springer
I know what you’re thinking, “whose idea was to have the disco superheroine fight the guy who eats planets!?”. The answer is Tom DeFalco.
We being with someone analyzing Dazzler on a computer screen, giving some measurements in made-up units.
Weirdly enough she will be called “mutate” throughout the story, while the series typically makes it a big deal that she’s a mutant. (those are not the same thing in Marvel lore)
This analysis has been carried out by a drone owned by Galactus, and apparently Dazzler is the ony being in the universe who can help him.
Yes. SERIOUSLY.
And so Dazzler is teleported on the ship by the drone.
From my understanding, the part of the superhero community that has not yet met Galactus tends to think of him as a myth.
For reference, six trillion miles from Earth would put the ship 1.02 light years away. Props for having a somewhat decent astronomical distance, but that’s barely 1/4th of the distance to the nearest star.
Little known fact: there’s a zoo on Galactus’ ship. It’s seen very rarely but it does show up in a couple of 80s comics. What would these be for him? Calorie-free snacks?
Dazzler is currently overpowered thanks to absorbing Klaw, so she blasts Galactus with enough energy to shatter a mountain!
When that doesn’t get his attention, she throws everything she’s absorbed from Klaw… EVERYTHING.
That gets his attention, in the sense that he comments to his drone “can you believe this s#it?”.
He narrates why he’s using drones: his current herald Terrax (who we’ve seen before, in a story set after this one) has rebelled against him and conquered his own planet.
When Galactus called him, Terrax fled into a black hole to hide from him. (!!!)
YES. We are sending the disco superhero into A FREAKING BLACK HOLE.
And Galactus doesn’t do it himself because it would destroy the entire black hole (!!!!!).
Yes it’s stupid, but also how cool is it that Galactus doesn’t mess with black holes because THEY’RE TOO FRAGILE FOR HIM!?!?
Also: the amount of agency our protagonist gets in this series is always astounding.
And then Dazzler is powered up by THE SOUND OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
This is awesomely stupid and stupidly awesome.
Also note that none of this is supposed to protect her from the black hole!!! That’s just something extra that Galactus throws in at the last moment.
Now you might be wondering: how exactly are we supposed to see what happens once she’s inside the black hole!? And the answer is… by going bonkers.
Like, Steve Ditko’s Doctor Strange bonkers.
Dazzler does eventually find Terrax, but in the process he breaks her chances to return to reality.
This everything I love about comics. You can’t make this stuff up!!!
DAZZLER #11 (1982)
Writer: Danny Fingeroth (“from an idea by Tom DeFalco”)
Pencils Frank Springer
Seriously failing at selling us that the cover takes place inside a black hole, guys.
And it’s not like the cover is alone. I understand that comics are a visual medium, but there had to be a middle ground between “black hole” and “rainbow”.
This series absolutely can’t go on for more than half a page before reminding us that Dazzler is superhumanly hot. Even alien rock monsters trying to kill her are complimenting her looks!
The highlight of the artwork is the zooming out effect to bring us back outside the black hole.
Although I can’t figure out just HOW the drone is able to see her. I suppose once you’ve broken half the laws of physics you might as well finish the job.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when this comic completely breaks the rules of physics.
Yes.
NOW.
You see, the sounds that Dazzler absorbed are now coalescing into a single uber-powerful beam of sound… (WTF!?)
…that shoots itself THROUGH SPACE and into the black hole… (double WTF!?)
…then travels INSIDE the black hole (triple WTF!?) to power up Dazzler!!!
And that’s how Dazzler defeated Terrax, folks. With a sound shot through space into a black hole.
MIRACULOUSLY, Dazzler realizes that double crossing the guy who eats planets and sends singers through black holes is a bad idea!!!
As if this wasn’t insane enough, Dazzler escapes the black hole… the thing DEFINITED by being inescapable for light… by shooting light.
At least ONE thing wasn’t random: the power-up beam of sound didn’t come out of nowhere, but it was the drone’s idea.
It’s possible that Galactus helped Dazzler because he thinks she’s hot.
(also, check out the antennae on the Galactus helmed mysteriously disappearing)
Dazzler… just take the win and LEAVE!!!
Oh my god, are we really doing this!?
Last issue it was “Can we really keep a supervillain in jail”, and now we’ve escalated to “Is it really that bad to enslave a planet”!?!?
This apparently is enough to convince Galactus that Terrax has learned his lesson and won’t rebel again.
Spoiler alert: in his next appearance on Fantastic Four, four months after this story, Terrax betrays Galactus. Again.
The amount of restrain Galactus shows is incredible. I mean, I’m not a ten billion year old god with phenomenal cosmic powers, but I can’t imagine Dazzler not getting on his nerves!!!
Seriously, he only sends her back home because she’s annoying!!!
(and because the drone powered back again, but really, come on)
And so Galactus follows Terrax to his next planetary meal (in an issue of Rom, of all things), while resting in a very comfy chair.
We end with Dazzler’s supporting cast, who has been worried about her disappearance throughout the last three issues, finding her tripping balls on her couch.
I would’ve gone with “doing all the drugs in the world”, but yes, “she was at a party”.
Sure.
After reading this comic, laying down for a while doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
Historical significance: 7/10
Just like last time, this has MAJOR repercussions in Secret Wars which I don’t think Dazzler ever discovered.
Silver Age-ness: 1,000/10
A beam of sound shot through empty space into a black hole!!! Dazzler using light to escape said black hole!!!
This would be a 10/10 on the DC scale. Finding this at Marvel? In the 80s!? This is AMAZING!
I would normally hesitate giving such a high score to a comic published after the Silver Age; normally you have to try some kind of parody to get this insane. But no, this comic plays everything completely straight despite the unfathomable absurdity, and THAT is what the Silver Age-ness is about. Highest Marvel score so far by a trillion Earth miles!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 5/10
This could’ve worked!!! The story seems to fully embrace the sheer absurdity of the situation. But then they just had to force all the Dazzler tropes… everyone being into her and especially her very, very, very dumb.