LOIS LANE #56 (1965)
“The Snoopiest Girl in History!” by Edmond Hamilton & Kurt Schaffenberger
“Lois Lane’s Super Gamble” by Jerry Siegel & Kurt Schaffenberger
This is one of the most stupid covers I’ve seen, and THAT’s saying something.
But before we tackle the cover story, let’s start with a story by Legion writer Edmond Hamilton.
It begins with Superman preventing Lois from f##ing up an important experiment.
Her solution? Mail herself to the scientist’s address.
Which wouldn’t have worked without Superman’s help, so he doesn’t have much to talk.
The professor’s experiment turns out to be a time machine (AGAIN!?) which sends Lois back in time, to Ancient Greece. Not only she figures out the date instantly, but she’s fluent in Ancient Greek. (WTF?)
And OF COURSE the first guy who sees her immediately falls madly in love.
She’s not worried about being stranded in the past. AT ALL. Her only concern is to make Superman jealous.
The blond guy is a scientist called Epimetheus, like the Greek god of hindsight, and Hamilton is going for a… creative approach to ancient history.
I’m confused about Hamilton’s level of knowledge about Greek mythology. Epimetheus is pretty obscure, but his brother Prometheus should be famous enough to get him right.
And “Prometheus is a worker of miracles” is… well it’s TECHNICALLY correct, but it feels a bit reductive for a god, don’t you think?
But the greatest news is that there’s a radioactive meteorite that will NOT turn out to be any form of Kryptonite!!!
This is obviously a setup for the various monsters of Greek mythology.
Although I can’t imagine how you could see this thing and think “phoenix”.
If you know anything about the Epimetheus myths, you probably saw this coming:
Yep. Lois has literally opened Pandora’s Box.
Despite the fact that she has just unleashed the worst biological weapon these people have ever seen, Lois has her priorities straight:
1) lie to her fiancée
2) GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE
She doesn’t even say goodbye to Epimetheus, conveniently catching a ride from Superman.
Epimetheus had mentioned that Lois would have to change her name after marriage, and once they’re back in the 20th century, Lois learns that the name is of course Pandora.
“Hey Superman, thousands of people have been infected with all sorts of deadly diseases, their society has completely collapsed, and mankind’s technological development has been set back for how many centuries. What are your thoughts about that?”
Yeah that’s about right. God I hate this story… I’ll take Ideal-Man from the second story any day instead of this a-hole.
This is apparently an untold story set right after Lana Lang arrived in Metropolis and have one of her many, many TV specials reminding everyone that she used to date Superboy.
I typically prefer Lana over Lois because… well, because Silver Age Lois… but she really comes off as a third rate celebrity whose only claim to fame is having dated a much bigger celebrity.
On the other hand, it’s really hard to sympathize with Lois here.
Lois gets her hands on some tapes that Superman recorded to narrate his heroic deeds (how humble), where he’s talking to Ideal-Man.
And she doctors those tapes to trick Lana into believing Superman has left Earth forever.
Okay if Lana snaps and murders Lois in the next panel this is going to be the greatest comic ever.
That woman has issues.
I am amazed that anyone could root for Lois reading these stories. THAT WOMAN IS INSANE.
Meanwhile Ideal-Man has reached Metropolis, where he demonstrates his “Marvelo-Strenght” and “Marvelo-Breath”.
Okay I’ll admit that Ideal-Man is a slightly better name than “Marvelo-Man” would’ve been, but just slightly.
Ideal-Man wants to meet both Lois and Lana, who immediately start to compete for the love of this guy who THEY HAVEN’T EVEN MET YET.
The woman who draws the highest card wins. Lois actually wins, but pretends to lose because she really wants Lana to hook up with Ideal-Man.
“She’s attracted to him! Good!”. If Lois gets any more super-villainy she’ll go bald…
Ideal-Man brings them to his secret hideout. He tries to know them a little better, breaking the ice asking if they have any hobbies. Lois “loses” on purpose again.
Whereas she helps Lana pretend that she’s an excellent painter.
After the two flirt some more, helped by Lois strategically placing some mistletoe at a party…
…and that’s enough to IMMEDIATELY get married!
Of course it turns out it was all just a prank from Superman, because of course it was.
I find it hilarious that he doesn’t even wait to get to the “I do” part, blowing up the marriage at the “we are gathered” phase.
The clue that Ideal-Man was actually Superman, by the way, was the name of his planet.
Lana doesn’t come off particularly well either.
“Superman, you’ve caused emotional trauma to two mentally unstable women, what are your thoughts on that?”
Yeah that’s about right.
Historical significance: 0/10
Unsurprisingly for a franchise connected to Wonder Woman, “Greek mythology was actually just super-science” won’t be used much.
Silver Age-ness
First story: 7/10
Just how many times has time travel been invented yet?
Second story: 5/10
Stupidly average for DC.
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: -5/10
The level of misogyny is just astounding, plus NOBODY cares that Lois just unleashed a plague!
Second story: -10/10
It really says something that the story where Lois destroys an entire civilization is the less unnecessarily harsh of the two.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: okay I might biased since Greek mythologies is one of my interests, but I find it really hard to believe that Lois knows Ancient Greek so well that she can speak it fluently and NOT know the connection between Epimetheus and Pandora!
Second story: YOU NEED TO ASK!?