Metal Men – Page 35 – Comics Archeology

METAL MEN 29 (1968)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru

Alas, this is the last Metal Men story by the Kanigher and Andru duo.
Kanigher will have 4 more issues down the line, but it’s the swan song of Ross Andru.

According to the cover, the title should be “The Robot-Eater of Metalis 5”… but according to the teaser page, that’s Metalas 5.
Gives you and idea of how much they were caring.

We begin once again with Tina being jealous of whatshername. This time we KNOW we haven’t seen her before since she’s a doctor, but I still don’t care enough to remember her name.

To distract herself, Tina convinces the rest of the team to turn into racing cars. (?????)

But Ross Andru wants to leave on a high note, so the race is crashed by a giant evil cannibal robot in a fantastic splash page!!!

This SHOULD kill Mercury, considering how he’s been killed in a similar fashion in previous issues, but he’s just fine panels later.
Consistency, what’s that?

Our evil robot of the day is Torgola. I would really, really like to know how Kanigher came up with the name.

For once Kanigher remembers to use a scientific fact, specifically that Tin is not magnetic… and screws it up!
Both tin AND platinum are paramagnetic, that is weakly attracted to magnets. So this shouldn’t have worked!!!

We also learn that Torgola ate both Doc and whatshername OFF-PANEL.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the story goes completely bonkers.
Yes.
NOW.

Because Torgola’s stomach is actually a portal to another planet!

The planet is populated by robots, because of course it is, and Torgola has a twin robot called Ethos who is actually a good guy.

But wait, there’s more! Both Torgola and Ethos work for a DIFFERENT robot, Horbok, who sent Torgola on a quest to retrieve metals for his own planet.

Not crazy enough for you? Well, Horbok used to be a humanoid alien (!!!) who turned himself into a robot (!!!!) with the Metalizer ™.

The problem is Torgola was only supposed to bring metals from planets without any life forms, but something went wrong and he’s eating through the Earth.
Also, by this time Metal Men are SUPPOSED to be part of the DC Universe, but no other hero shows up for THIS:

Metalas Five (or Metalis, there’s little consistency) is not the only planet of robots around here, because it’s completely necessary for the story to also introduce Metalas One.

Horbok gave Doc a gun that could stop Torgola, but since he uses it on the robots of Metalas One… by the time they’re back on Earth, the gun is useless.

Great job, Doc. Now I understand why the Metal Men suck.

Their plan to stop Torgola is to block his sense of sight, hearing and smell. (WTF!?)

I can’t believe that didn’t work!

Well if you explain it like that it makes perfect sense, Doc.
Assuming you have a concussion.

And so Torgola is defeated by… basically doing the same thing that didn’t work before.

At least we end on a high note: whatshername dumping Doc to be turned into a robot.
These two have not exchanged a single line of dialogue throughout the entire story.