METAL MEN 16 (1965)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
The first attempt at Metal Men merchandising was weird.
Spoiler alert: no she won’t.
Quite often the teaser page is more interesting than the cover, but this time in particular I can’t help but wonder: why in the world wasn’t THIS on the cover!?
We begin with Kanigher showcasing his favorite characters.
Enemy Ace, Captain Storm, Captain Cloud and Haunted Tank are all his creations, while his Sergeant Rock run is deservedly critically acclaimed. And of course he wrote Wonder Woman for 20 years.
This is the first time we see ANY hint of the rest of the DC Universe in the Metal Men series.
Also: if Doc Magnus is able to build completely functional and talking toys, I finally understand how he has enough money to create robots made of solid gold and platinum.
The actual “plot” starts with Doc dating whatshername again. The comic specifically says he’s dating her again, so she’s probably one of the generic love interests we’ve seen previously.
There goes my theory that Lead is gay. I still think that Iron is his boyfriend, so that would make Lead the first bisexual shapeshifting robot.
Then Tina goes full homicidal robot!!!
I’ve joked before about Tina being a dangerously crazy stalker. I didn’t think she would LITERALLY try to murder someone out of jealousy!!!
She tried to murder whatshername! STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS CUTE!!!
I feel like this is an explicit attack on the concept of physics.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where the comic BEGINS to make no sense.
It’s about to get wild.
First of all, they intercept a distress call and turn themselves into antennae in order to be heard, then they are hit by a strange ray.
At first I thought they had been teleported, but nope! It was a shrinking ray. (WTF!?)
It feels like Kanigher is stalling for time because he hasn’t decided what the actual plot is going to be.
He decides on… *rolls dice*… evil toy rockets from space. Sure, why not.
(yes that’s apparently not the Moon, making it yet another example of very casual interstellar travel in this series)
The Metal Men land on YET ANOTHER ghost planet, which is attacked by YET ANOTHER kind of robot termites!!!
The Metal Men beat up the termites so bad that they flee the planet and head for Earth.
Because I guess there’s a map for evil robots with the “attack here” marker.
You might have noticed that the other robots look like they’re made of wood; sadly, they are not EXPLICITLY made of wood. I wouldn’t put it past Metal Men.
Note that one of the two is called Loof and the other Fpok-Bmud, respectively “Fool” and “Dumb-Kopf” backwards. While I don’t have to comment on “Fool”, the other is weird even for Kanigher!
I suppose it’s meant to be the German word for “idiot”, but Kanigher has written so many WWII stories that he should know that it’s spelled Dummkopf.
And if you think I’m reading too much on this backwards thing:
The alien robots (whose race is called Srelbmub, because of course it is) try to return the Metal Men to their regular size, with… confusing results.
And so the Metal Men blast off to Earth, still in miniature size.
Well that was utterly pointless, wasn’t it?
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story finally reaches its goal of going utterly bonkers.
Yes.
NOW.
The now paralyzed Metal Men end up in an auction for brain damaged children (!!!) and I can’t help but sense some meta-commentary from Kanigher… the toys based on all his OTHER comics have critical acclaim, but everyone thinks the Metal Men suck.
Kanigher has a weird fixation on putting blind children in his comics.
He also thinks he’s Daredevil or something because he wants to fight aliens!
And then, in one of the greatest moments of comic book history, his tears cure the Metal Men!!!
They’re also returned to full size, so the fight with the robot termites should be fair.
Should be an easy fight, but nope! The Metal Men win BY SUICIDE!!!
Doc, you’re not going to be believe what… oh who am I kidding, considering his line of work, this is a typical Tuesday.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
Silver Age-ness: 1012/10
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10 
Planet of evil robots: 9
Robot termites AGAIN, plus the idiot robots that look made of wood. They’re not exactly evil, but they cause enough trouble for the category.
Times Nameless has died: 3
Times Platinum has died: 11
Times Mercury has died: 14
Times Lead has died: 16
Times Gold has died: 16
Times Tin has died: 16
Times Iron has died: 16
Interesting letters: the entire letters page is dedicated to the proposed names for Nameless.
Among the candidates are Tinnette, Terry, Tin Lizzie, Tynthia, Tinny, Tinnie, Lin and Stanya (from the Latin word for tin, Stannum, which is also proposed as a name).
The cutest one is from Marcia Ann Bilitski, who would like Nameless to be called… Marcia Ann Bilitski. Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
The praise for Nameless is far from universal, though.
And in case you were wondering: yes, this kind of reader has always been present in the fandom.
