METAL MEN 4 (1963)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
Metal Men has some of the best titles ever. We’re not even in the top 5 best ones, but “The Bracelet of Doomed Heroes” is up there!
As we saw last time, Tin has been thrown into space.
The entire world seems to be worried about Tin…
…except Doc Magnus and Tina, who as always are stuck in their own little sitcom shtick.
And this is where alien robots get involved!
We are just at issue four and we’re already doing the exact same plot of issue one. That’s not a good sign.
Meanwhile Doc Magnus has a plan on how to deal with the microbes that are currently inside Tin.
Since he can rebuild the Metal Men with ridiculous ease, I’m going to assume he wants to do this with Lead instead of Tin because Doc Magnus has finally realized that Tin is useless.
Then the Robot Queen’s goons rescue Tin with the kind of machinery you would expect from incredibly advanced alien robots.
(also: you have to love that they have sound effects IN SPACE)
Doing this releases the microbes into space, so Doc Magnus has Lead retrieve them and then melts him in his rocket ship.
(for any of my readers who don’t use the Metric system, that’s 621.5°F)
Seems kind of a hazard to have THAT on board, but it’s not like Doc Magnus has ever cared about safety. Also, that counts as a Lead death.
We’re constantly hearing about what Doc thinks about Tina acting like a woman instead of a robot. What do the other robots think?
You’re always reliably awful, 1960s sexism.
And they they travel to the robot planet because of f##king course Doc Magnus has a faster-than-light ship in his basement.
Meanwhile the Robot Queen is laughing at Tin’s size.
I would feed bad for the guy if he wasn’t useless.
She’s taking this well.
That’s when the Metal Men land on the planet with a conveniently breathable atmosphere.
I did enjoy this panel showing the team using Mercury to leave the rocket… nice artwork!
THEN WHY THE F##K DID YOU BRING HER ALONG!?!?
The answer is: to save them from SUDDEN ROBOT BIRD!!!
How much of a dick do you think Doc Magnus is going to be about this?
On the Doc Magnus Awfulness Scale, that’s about a 7/10. Baby steps.
Okay so at this point Tina has shown that she can be useful in a fight, Mercury has been used as a ladder, and Lead has been used to take care of the microbes.
Time for Iron and Gold to show off what they can do!
Now that’s just embarrassing.
Especially since the very next thing that happens is that the Metal Men are captured.
Ten bucks that Doc Magnus is trying to confess that he gets off on publicly humiliating her.
And now, ladies and gentlemen… say it with me… this is when the story goes BONKERS.
Yes.
NOW.
THIS IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS.
Okay, get this: Tin has been turned into a giant jerk, and he gets bored…
…so to amuse him they bring him a claw machine…
…that has the Metal Men in it!!!
If you wondered why the heck this story is titled “The Bracelet of Doomed Heroes”…
Among the MANY reasons this makes no sense: all the Metal Men are shapeshifters!!! Why can’t they escape on their own!?
Tin manages to take the others to safety, but we cannot forget that Tin is useless… so while he shrinks to his regular size, THE OTHERS grow giant.
I refuse to consider this as Tin being useful on the count that NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
And so we end on a cliffhanger AGAIN: the giant-sized Metal Men (and Doc Magnus) are stranded on the robot planet while Tin flies to safety.
To be continued, unfortunately.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
It’s the middle of a three-part story but… no, nothing here really matters.
Silver Age-ness: 12/10
Even on the DC scale this is over the top silliness. Doc has a spaceship for some reason! A robot queen falls in love with Tin! Alien fruits turn robots AND humans into giants! Tin gets a new personality but the others don’t!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the whole “alien robot tyrant falls in love with one of the Metal Men” plot was done way, WAY better in issue 1.
And even for this series, wow is the sexism especially omnipresent this time around!
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 6
Somewhat disappointingly he doesn’t say his catchphrase this time.
Times Platinum has died: 5
Times Lead has died: 8
Times Mercury has died: 8
Times Gold has died: 8
Times Iron has died: 8
Times Tin has died: 9
Interesting letters: maturity and realism, working as a team, human interest… sounds like a good comic book, but what does this have to do with Metal Men?
“You want to read about characters being interesting? You’ve got the wrong book!”
Jesus Christ this series…