METAL MEN 2 (1963)
by Robert Kanigher & Ross Andru
The Metal Men don’t waste much time before going completely crazy. And really, did you expect anything else?
We begin with Tina saving a cat, so this makes… checking my notes… the first time the Metal Men have ever done something heroic without being destroyed.
Baby steps.
The other members get a chance when they randomly get across a getaway car.
Tin is, of course, completely useless AGAIN.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE ROBBERS ARE NOT DEAD.
Speaking of being dead: Tin is so useless that he was killed by bullets.
Both Lead and Mercury get their own chances to do something useful without dying!
This leaves Gold as the only Metal Man to have done nothing useful.
So I guess THIS counts as Tin being useful somehow!?
Well… in Tin’s defense, he was trying to do more than BEING A LITERAL CARPET.
Well… that was pointless. Let’s move to something terrifying: Tina wanting to build robots!
But when Doc Magnus shuts down that idea, she tries to invite him to date to show off her dancing moves.
Except *gasp* Tina has a rival!
AMAZINGLY, Tina doesn’t immediately murder her.
THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.
You might think that she’s building herself Frankenstein’s Monster…
…but actually she’s built A DOC MAGNUS ROBOT.
I can’t believe Tina’s dancing moves just became a plot point.
Tina already feels like a Harley Quinn prototype sometimes, but the Doc Magnus robot is beginning to smile like the Joker.
Weird to see Mercury jealous of Doc. I thought Mercury only loved himself.
The “surprise” is a new team of Metal Men, which include PLUTONIUM.
This is the best battle cry ever.
Just in case you’re wondering: yes all of this is because Tina accidentally made the Doc robot evil.
I wonder why Doc Magnus is still single.
Considering how the rest of the story goes, I’m considering this as Tin dying AGAIN.
Mercury is taken out by Aluminum, who SOMEHOW gets destroyed as well.
Calcium takes care of Iron.
Zirconium deals with Lead, who avoids being destroyed and just ends up blind.
Gold transforms himself into a barrage of “boomerangs”… (WTF!?)
…but he’s taken out by Barium thanks to fireworks. (double WTF!?)
Meanwhile the real Doc Magnus has joined a squadron of fighter jets. Wait, WHAT!?
The Doc robot’s secret weapon turns out to be Plutonium, who will EXPLODE LIKE A NUKE if they try to stop them!!!
This looks like a job for Platinum!
Who TAKES THE BOMB TO THE MOON.
The Metal Men die all the time, but it’ll be hard to beat a nuclear explosion on the Moon!!!
And so we end with Doc Magnus asking the readers to vote if they want to resurrect Platinum.
Metal Men significance: 3/10
Introducing the idea of evil versions of the Metal Men, which will show up multiple times.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
I have a feeling the Metal Men will rarely drop below this score.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Sometimes I wonder if Kanigher was actively trying to create the worst superhero team of all time: the Metal Men are either ridiculously ineffective or almost cause the end of the world!
Number of elements: 12
In addition to the original six we add Barium, Aluminum, Calcium, Zirconium, Sodium and PLUTONIUM.
“Mercury is the only liquid metal at room temperature”: 6
Times Platinum has died: 5
Times Mercury has died: 7
Times Lead has died: 7
Times Gold has died: 8
Times Iron has died: 8
Times Tin has died: 9