ADVENTURE COMICS #267 (1959)
by Jerry Siegel and George Papp
Okay, get ready, because this story is BONKERS. Even by Silver Age standards.
The cover is nice… although I don’t know how Saturn Girl, who is a telepath, can carve Kryptonite with her, ehm, lightning eyes? What?
It starts with Superboy failing to stop a plane crash because he’s upstaged by Cosmic Boy:
First of all: super-breath? Yes, for a guy who can fly and lift planets, stopping a plane with a super-powerful gust of wind is definitely the best idea.
Second: you’re super-fast! Instead of talking about what you’re about to do to catch the plane, just catch the plane!!!
Then a giant robot escapes a Science Exposition (must be Tuesday), Superboy is upstaged again by a Legionnaire: Lightning Lad.
In case you hadn’t figured out the formula, everything is repeated with Saturn Girl, complete with the citizens of Smallville being dicks:
Even the Kents are dicks this time!
Just like in the first Legion story. Man, if you were only reading the Legion, you sure had to despise Superboy’s dad!
Superboy’s solution: make something impressive to regain his lost fame.
Which SOMEHOW means digging a tunnel beneath Smallville, which SOMEHOW releases an orange Godzilla!
So yeah, you can probably tell the Silver Age-ness is strong with this one.
By the way, in case you’re wondering: no, they never explain how Orange Godzilla is there. Just roll with it.
The Legion saves the day, but sad Superboy is sad.
And once again, Pa Kent is angry with him. At this point, staying on Krypton while it exploded might’ve been a better idea.
So of course the logical reaction is to EXILE HIMSELF FROM EARTH, because Superboy is apparently the most insecure person on the planet.
And this is where the story goes ABSOLUTELY NUTS.
First, Superboy finds a bunch of “super-beings” flying into space:
Which leads to “Superboy Planet”:
Where the Legion throws him into Kryptonite Jail:
Now it’s finally time to explain what’s going on. The Legion, which I remind you is from 1000 years in the future, has traveled back in time to build a planet to honor Superboy with the help of “super-heroes from many worlds” (who are too lazy to ever appear in another story).
Then the Legion, who again is from the future, decide to use their “Futurescope” to look into the future:
What the… guys, you’re from the future and you have a time machine! Why do you need a Futurescope to know the future, which is your past!?
In the ONLY clever bit in the story, it’s explained that the citizens of Smallville were dicks to Superboy only thanks to Saturn Girl’s “super-telepathy”.
I used to think she got more powerful as the years went by, but holy crap, that’s a pretty powerful use of telepathic powers! And a dick move, yes, but still!
But wait! One of the “Superboy trophies” explodes (why was it even there!?), which releases a toxic element that poisons the Legion:
Fortunately, as we all know deadly radiation can be nullified by shouting really really really loud:
We are in the last page of the comic, so let’s not waste any time fixing everything while making everyone look like absolute morons.
Saturn Girl picks up a radio message from Earth. With her mind.
This allows Superboy to explain that everything is more stupid that anything you can think of.
Now… I can buy the President asking Superboy to do that. But Superboy was seriously keeping quiet just because he promised? What was he afraid was going to happen if people from 1000 years in the future learned about it?
Why couldn’t he just say “I destroyed the ship yesterday, not five years from now, and I have a perfectly good explanation”?
Heck, he didn’t even need to tell them why the President asked him! He could’ve just said “The President asked me to; I can’t tell you why, but check your Futurescope because it’s broken”?
That’s even MORE stupid than the Legion not figuring out the Futurescope is broken.
And just SLIGHTLY less stupid than the Legion needing that thing in the first place!
Historical significance: 0/0
Nothing in this story will ever be referenced again. Which is a good thing.
Legion significance: 1/0
Saved from being a zero by Saturn Girl shown as more powerful than the typical telepath of the Sivler Age.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Do you even need to ask!?
Does it stand the test of time? 1/0
This is probably one of the most dated Legion stories ever made.
We are legion: 3 active Legionnaires. It’s debatable whether Superboy is a member or not.
How much Legion is too much? The Legion of Superheroes currently consists of 4 people.
Time travel doesn’t work like that
Using a time machine to travel 1000 years in the past and using a separate device to look 5 years in the future. Sounds legit.
A thousand years in the future, you say?
I’d say the jetpacks that the Legionnaires are using are pretty goofy, but apparently they can use them to fly to other planets.
Why do they need spaceships in the future again?
Since this is a Superboy story, let’s look at the Superman categories:
That shouldn’t be a superpower
Shouting really loud to make radioactive materials inert.
Superman significance
Apparently there are enough super-people to create an entire planet in his honor, but they will never show up again. Neither will Superboy Planet.
As a Legion fan, I’m with Sad Superboy on this one.
