ACTION COMICS 386 (1970)
“Zap Goes the Legion!” by E. Nelson Bridwell & Win Mortimer
“The Home for Old Super-Heroes!” by Cary Bates & Curt Swan
Cover by Curt Swan
Second part of Superman’s adventures into the far future.
But before we get to that, let’s start with the Legion story.
Remember the girl from the awful Action Comics #379? Neither did I, but she’s back.
To be brainwashed in prison.
Since she has been “rehabilitated” she’s allowed to leave the prison… except it turns out the 30th penal system still sucks.
Meanwhile, the Legionnaires are enjoying a boxing match at the “Time-Cinema”.
The not-so-reformed criminal takes this opportunity to challenge the Legion to a duel… and quite hilariously they’re not interested!
Specifically, they’re not interested in arresting her because she’s not committing any crimes.
I can’t figure out if this is satire or a badly written story.
(checks the credits)
Ah, it’s a Bridwell story. That checks out.
Her belt is actually quite overpowered, able to counteract every single Legionnaire with ease.
It’s actually more serious than it looks: Cosmic Boy has several broken bones (!!!) and Saturn Girl needs psychiatric treatment. (!!!!)
Luckily for the Legion, the villainess is kind of a dumbass.
Despite being able to easily defeat Brainiac 5 robots and Phantom Girl…
…she can easily be defeated by a punch in the face.
And that’s why watching boxing matches is important, kids!
Yep. This one had Bridwell written all over the place.
Back to Superman: unable to get back home he’s moved past the 101,970s
Now he’s now exploding the 121,970s, where everybody SHOULD be dead.
The Time Trapper recaps the previous issue, boasting on how he has finally defeated Superman.
Or at least it’s SUPPOSED to be the Time Trapper: he looks nothing like him!!!
WTF is he wearing!?
Superman goes forward another 500 years, ending up in a future where superpowers are illegal.
Why are superpowers illegal? Because thousands of years earlier some aliens showed up on Earth to fix the atmosphere…
…ended up in a three-way fight…
…and that ruined Earth’s atmosphere. Again.
I was expecting something like “And if any other power is used the Earth will blow up” or something, but… no. They just don’t like superpowers anymore because three jackasses ruined everything.
So… Superman is out of a job. But he’s still a journalist, so maybe Clark Kent can be useful?
I’m glad we’ll have to wait 120,000 years for paper newspapers to lose relevance.
Also: the Daily Planet has history files that date back to Superman’s time! (WTF!?!?)
Not only Superman discovers that the world figured out his secret identity…
…but he also gets spoilers!
Then Superman tries to use his powers to save a flying car about to crash into a building… but he’s arrested, and it turns out that his help wasn’t needed in the first place.
And that’s why Superman is exiled to a planet for retired superheroes.
To him, seeing all those old heroes constantly talking about their adventures is sad.
Probably because he’d rather hear them talk about HIM.
But after THREE DAYS, it turns out that Earth really does need superheroes!
And they response is “SERIOUSLY!?”
What’s the emergency? A silo with an extremely volatile explosive that can’t be handled by robots. Or by the last Green Lantern, apparently.
Superman’s solution is to create a super-hard alloy (with a spoon!?) to protect the silo’s roof…
…so that when the explosion goes off the silo takes off like a missile.
Sounds legit.
And that’s the end!
“There’s nothing for me in this era”, right after demonstrating that his era needs him.
Historical significance: 0/10
We’ll never see the girl or her superpowered belt again. And obviously we won’t ever return to the future visited by Superman.
Silver Age-ness
Legion story: 4/10
The belt’s powers are kind of average for this era, as is the Time Cinema. Slightly lower than average Silver Age-ness because somebody DOES get injured in a relatively realistic way!
Superman story: 7/10
The way he fixes the silo is delightfully Silver Age, but nothing really that out of the ordinary this time.
Does it stand the test of time?
Legion story: 0/10
Utterly forgettable in every possible way.
Superman story: 0/10
There is SOME potential in doing a story in the far future where technology made superheroes obsolete… but the way powers were outlawed makes absolutely no sense!!!
We are legion
26 Legionnaires
2 reserve members: Kid Psycho, Insect Queen
3 honorary members: Elastic Lad, Pete Ross, Rond Vidar
1 resigned member: Command Kid
1 expelled member: Nemesis Kid
2 deceased members: Dynamo Boy, Ferro Lad
How much Legion is too much?
The total number of characters who have been members is 35.