LOIS LANE #51 (1964)
by unknown & Kurt Schaffenberger
This story is a bit unusual for two reasons: it’s much longer than usual, and it’s a story where Superman murders his wife.
And I’m not kidding.
We begin this “imaginary tale” with Lois asking Superman to marry her for the millionth time.
But this time it’s different because it’s a leap year. (WTF?)
And that’s enough to convince Superman to marry her, despite the fact that she’s certain that this will mean she will live a short life.
Why is the Silver Age so convinced that marrying Superman is a death sentence? I know he’s The Worst, but come on, give him at least a little credit!
And so Superman marries Lois, Lana is miserable, and Lucy is planning a threesome.
Since somebody immediately tries to blow up Lois, Superman comes up with a solution: a serum that gives her super-powers.
I guess we’re FINALLY out of the era where they have to remind us every single time that she has the wrong blood type for that kind of serum?
Lois gains all of Superman’s powers, except his super-vision.
That makes her… *sigh*… “Super-Lois”.
After that “At last he has a super-helpmate” comment, I kind of hoped we would cut to Supergirl being upset at being ignored.
But no, we cut to Lois experimenting on herself because she wants more powers!
Superman doesn’t want her in his lab because that’s where he keeps his Earthquake Machine, his Trans-Muta-Gun and my personal favorite, the Limborang.
“Limborang”. The Silver Age, man…
The super-serum is a success, but it has the minor side effect of KILLING YOU IN A WEEK.
Lois decides not to tell Superman because she doesn’t want to break his heart, so she agrees to help him build this monstrosity.
I have to point out that, since this is 1964, even married couples are not allowed to share the same bed in a comic book.
With Superman off-planet and feeling that her death is coming, Lois pretends to kill herself in an accident caused by her stupidity (!!!).
Unlike anyone who spent money to read this thing, Lois has no regrets.
So Lois is dead, and Superman thinks it’s her fault despite the fact that he’s the one who poisoned her.
Superman is so sad that he decides to leave Earth forever and leave the job to Supergirl.
Wait, did I say “forever”? I mean for a couple of pages, which is how much he needs to find the diary that Lois failed to destroy. That’s where he discovers that he’s 100% to blame for her death.
Superman then decides to resume his career on Earth. All because he discovers that he’s responsible for his wife’s death (WTF!!?!?)
Also to cheat Lex Luthor out of getting his own first page, because OUT OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE Luthor has decided to be a good guy.
Which leads to Lex proposing to Lana THREE PANELS LATER, and she accepts because dammit she’s gonna marry SOMEBODY this issue!
Why is Lana always the most miserable person in these stories!?
But then, AT LUTHOR’S WEDDING, Superman decides that he wants to marry Lana!
AND HE DOES. ON THE SAME DAY.
Dick move, Superman! Dick move!!!
However Lana has been traumatized by Superman for so many years that she’s STILL distraught by the idea that he might love Lois.
Is it just me or does she look absolutely miserable here? Also: still 1964, still separate beds.
Superman takes Lana on a tour of Kandor, bumping into… of course… Van-Zee, because I just can’t get rid of him in my reviews!
Okay, so far Lana has been mostly a sympathetic character. Let’s now switch to her detestable side.
She discovers that her husband *gasp* still has pictures of his dead first wife!
And that’s inexcusable to Lana because she “won’t play second fiddle to a dead woman”, to the point that she dumps Superman and leaves the planet!
Oh my god, how petty do you have to be that your husband isn’t even allowed to, again, have PICTURES OF HIS DEAD FIRST WIFE!?!?
That’s when she’s kidnapped by Luthor, who is now a space pirate (!!!) with a cannon that shoots Gold Kryptonite (!!!).
And she sacrifices herself to save Superman.
So, uhm, are we supposed to root for ANYONE in this comic?
It turns out that those weren’t even pictures of Lois, but of Van-Zee’s wife; also the safe wasn’t a safe but a 3D printer (!!!).
So we’re up to 2 dead wives now. Time for the boys to even up the score, because the husband of Lori Lemaris dies when he’s HARPOONED BY WHALE HUNTERS.
Why is this in the story? Because he wanted his wife to marry Superman.
Lori is okay with it. Superman is skeptical because he’s just lost two wives in the span of… what, a couple of months maybe?
But don’t worry, a computer can calculate if their marriage will work. Wait, what!?
Superman is a bit distracted by a couple of giant electric eels. It probably won’t be important later.
The computer’s response is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. Who says that computers don’t have a sense of humor?
They get married and spend their honeymoon traveling to the past of ancient Atlantis.
Because what’s more romantic than spending some time in a place that is doomed to be devastated?
Is it just me or does Superman have a really, REALLY weird fixation with making these serums?
However, ONE PAGE after they marry, Lori is murdered by the Phantom Zone criminals.
If you wonder why did the computer predict that there wouldn’t be any tragedy, the answer isn’t “because it makes no f##ng sense to expect a computer to know that”.
No, the answer is… the most Silver Age thing that could happen.
Okay we’re at THREE dead wives. And what is Superman’s priority?
OH GOD, AGAIN with the freaking serum!? You’ve got problems, Superman!!!
We’re at the last page, so we need an ending. How about a random alien animal ends up taking the new serum?
With this both ruining another planet’s ecosystem and Superman finding out that the serum does indeed work permanently?
And so we end with Superman angsty over the question: if he had perfected the serum earlier, which wife would he have saved?
Wait wait wait, what do you mean by “which one”? You mean you would have saved only one? WHY? Well, we know the answer to that.
Superman. Is. THE. WORST.
Historical significance: 0/10
It’s an imaginary story where all love interests die, so… I don’t think this got a sequel.
I swear to Potter if I find out that they actually did write a sequel where Superman uses the serum AGAIN…
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Honestly we were already at a 9/10 with the “Limborang”, everything else was just extra.
Does it stand the test of time? -5/10
Continuing the tendency of Lois Lane stories having a negative message and therefore fully deserving a negative score.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
Honestly it’s kind of weird that Lois isn’t responsible for her own death, I fully expected it from this kind of story. Having said that… since Superman eventually does create a serum without side effects, I bet that he would’ve found a cure if she just told him about the poisoning effects!