Superman #170 (1964)
by Jerry Siegel & Curt Swan
cover by Curt Swan
Some imaginary tales are supposed to answer questions that the fans have always asked.
Hopefully “what if Lex Luthor was Superman’s daddy” was not one of them.
Who am I kidding, fandom has always been weird, someone definitely asked.
I’ve said over and over again that prisons should stop giving Luthor access to technology.
Apparently I should have also brought up stopping giving him parole!!!
Luthor is a menace to civilization itself, but if he says he’s sorry, who are we to judge?
Dumbest. Doctor. EVER.
Luthor’s serum doesn’t make him a giant for long, so he immediately runs into the nearby lead mines where he has his own TimeScope™.
Wait wait wait.
Lex Luthor has access to a device that lets him look at the past? Even on other planets?
HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW SUPERMAN’S IDENTITY????
He even has a time machine that lets him go to any point in history!
HOW IS HE EVER ARRESTED???
Time travel rules of the Silver Age require Luthor to go to a time where he’s not born yet.
While he’s typically portrayed as older than Superman in most modern settings, in the Silver Age they’re roughly the same age.
Alright, he’s Luthor’s surprisingly complex plan.
Step 1: go to the past.
Step 2: pretend to be a hero from another planet.
Step 3: warn everyone that Brainiac is going to steal Kandor.
Step 4: befriend Jor-El and Lara.
Notice the extremely rare appearance of Krypto’s father, Zypto.
Stop 5: hit on Lara.
Step 6: engineer Jor-El’s death.
Step 7: propose to Lara.
Step 8: bang Superman’s mother.
Step 9: wait for Krypton to explode.
Step 10: send his half-Kryptonian son to Earth
Step 11: get back to Earth with his time machine
Step 12: hope that in the 30-ish years that pass Superman grows up exactly like the original
Step 13: world domination!!!
Unfortunately for Luthor, his airtight plan fails because Jor-El randomly gets super-powers…
…and by suddenly becoming paralyzed by Krypton’s high gravity.
Please note that there was NO REASON WHATSOEVER for lying about coming from a planet with high gravity!!!
Unless the people of Krypton are violently xenophobic. Which does seem to be the case here, otherwise why would they care THAT much about this???
Luthor manages to escape, just in time for Jor-El to return to fix the timeline.
Despite having ALL OF TIME AND SPACE to access, Luthor decides to return to the one time and place where Superman is just waiting for him.
Historical significance: 0/10
Unless we count this moment in the “Superman: Doomsday” animated movie.
Yes that is the actual dialogue.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Lex Luthor travels to the past to bang Superman’s mother and become his father.
People were paid to write, pencil, ink, color, edit, print and ship this book.
With money.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
“Superman’s Mission for President Kennedy!”
by E.Nelson Bridwell & Al Plastino
This story, which is actually the first in the book, was supposed to be published a couple of months earlier… but was understandably pulled after Kennedy’s assassination.
We begin with Superman saving people from an avalanche in Switzerland.
Luckily Lana Lang was on the scene. No wonder that in the 70s Clark Kent went to work for television, there was only ONE TV reporter in the 60s.
French IS one of the official languages of Switzerland, with roughly a quarter of the population speaking it. I’m giving Bridwell the benefit of the doubt and believe he knew that not everybody in Switzerland speaks German, although the fact the guy is wearing a beret makes me wonder if he was just going for the “stereotypical snotty European” look.
And speaking as an European: yes, we do make fun of Americans.
We don’t usually do it with underage boys who have just survived a natural disaster… not when the cameras are rolling at least.
And that is apparently enough to involve the President!!!
As a reminder, this is Silver Age Superman. The guy who can fly faster than time, fuel stars with by staring at them, read lips from another solar system, and move entire galaxies on his back.
But the REAL challenge? Making Americans fit.
Ah yes, the real reason Kennedy was assassinated: he was planning to ban cars and tractors.
(too soon?)
Look, the fact that the Presidency sponsored a PSA about physical fitness is not a bad thing.
It’s the idea that in-universe the President believes this is the best use of SUPERMAN’S HELP that cracks me up.
I feel like you’re missing the point, Superman… shouldn’t you talk to people who are NOT exercising, instead of those who already are?
Also, was that kid playing with a yo-yo while running a race?
This is what being a fat kid in 1965 looked like.
Superman makes them lose weight by creating a geyser that makes them sweat a lot.
Sounds legit.
This is a Superman comic officially sponsored by the White House.
Thought I should mention it for some reason.
Again, isn’t Superman completely misunderstanding the assignment?
As we all know, exercising in low gravity helps build muscle. That’s why the Apollo astronauts returned to Earth incredibly jacked.
This starts a fitness craze in the United States!
Do people at the Daily Planet ever work???
Perry White, putting his staff in mortal danger since 1940.
I only see two options here:
A) everyone knows Clark is Superman and they’re just going along
B) they really are stupid enough to believe 15 minutes of push-ups give you super-strength
And we end with the President giving a huge parade to show the Swiss they are not weak.
The originals are supposedly at the JFK Memoria Library.
Which means that this panel is also there.
Historical significance: 0/10
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Does it stand the test of time? *CENSORED*
Interesting letters: just how far does the LL conspiracy go???
