LOIS LANE #93 (1969)
by Robert Kanigher & Curt Swan
Cover by Curt Swan & Neal Adams
Robert Kanigher was the insane genius responsible for the Metal Men, but he’s probably best known for his 22 YEARS writing Wonder Woman.
Which is going to make this issue something to behold!
We begin with Lois Lane dreaming about marrying Superman.
Breaking new ground I see.
Which then turns into a nightmare as Superman marries Wonder Woman instead.
Then she wakes up and realizes that Wonder Woman had lost her powers in her book (in the infamous “Mod Wonder Woman” run that I might cover someday).
Interestingly enough, even though Kanigher has written Wondy for 22 YEARS, that run wasn’t by him.
So… it’s been a while since I’ve read that Wonder Woman run, but I have to imagine she should’ve had a better way to contact Superman than a TV ad, right?
They were teammates in the JLA for Professor Potter’s sake! I’m pretty sure she resigned when she lost her powers, but still!!!
Lois gets assigned to the story, because of course she does, and she even befriends Wonder Woman.
So let me get this straight: we’re trying to promote the book where Wonder Woman doesn’t have powers… by showcasing a version that does have powers?
I haven’t been particularly impressed by the attempts to make Lois Lane less of a stereotype, but I have to admit that just a couple of years before this story she would’ve found a way to murder Superman.
Have we been here before? I feel like we’ve been here before.
But Lois has no reason to be jealous just because the guy who shows zero interest in her just kissed a hot amazon. Wonder Woman wouldn’t do that to Lois, the two women are such friends that Wondy showed up exactly once in the previous 92 issues!
(and that was an imaginary story!!!)
Hey remember when Superman had a mullet in the 90s and people complained?
Let’s just say that it could’ve been much, MUCH worse.
MUCH WORSE INDEED.
I swear Superman has never been this cringy.
I bet the real reason he stops is because he realized he was making a fool of himself.
All of this has been an appetizer. This is where the fun begins!
Yep. If you’ve seen Mod Wonder Woman, get ready for Judo Lois Lane.
She even trains in her dreams. (WTF!?)
And now the fight I hope nobody demanded!
(yes, Mod Wonder Woman’s martial art instructor was named “I-Ching”. I told you I might cover it)
Wait wait wait, you mean to tell me that one training session and a dream are not enough to defeat a superheroine who specializes in martial arts!?
I’m shocked, shocked I tell you.
Superman just LEAVES LOIS THERE, once again proving why he’s just. The. Worst.
Hey, you know what could restore Wonder Woman’s powers? If somebody decided to shoot radiation at her.
Remember to shout “Great Moons!” when Wonder Woman is within hearing distance ONLY if you’re invulnerable. She might think you’re talking of something else.
I’m going to have to separate you two with a Kryptonite hose, isn’t it?
But we have to demonstrate that she’s also invulnerable so very soon SUDDEN NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!!!
This looks fine by modern standards, but pre-Crisis Wonder Woman wasn’t THAT powerful.
(usually. It’s the Silver Age so don’t quote me on that)
Well at least the story can’t possibly get more ridiculous, right?
Right?
I’ve never been prouder to say that NOW the story is going to go off the rails.
Yes.
NOW.
Okay, try to follow me. First of all Wonder Woman takes Lois to her mansion where she’s planning her wedding to Superman.
BUT THEN Lois discovers that the real Wonder Woman is actually trapped in the basement!
BUT THEN it turns out that the Wonder Woman we’ve been following is actually *gasp* a random Kryptonian!
As for her story… you’re not ready for it. Trust me, you’re not.
WHAT THE F##K DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?!?
To recap, this woman was randomly kidnapped by aliens and was told the secret to transform anything into food… and that’s why she’s a supervillain!?
When the Kryptonian cops show up, she decides to blow up the entire ship rather than share the knowledge.
And that’s why she was exiled to the Phantom Zone!
And she escaped the Phantom Zone because… and I swear I’m not skipping anything… a random ship just happened to crash into Earth!
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH IMPERSONATING WONDER WOMAN!?!?
So… she has the powers of a Kryptonian and she decides to hide on Earth posing as Wonder Woman and marrying Superman because it’s a cover for being a mob boss!?!?
Guys, I think we might have just found THE dumbest villain plan in the history of comics.
Then Superman saves the day by SUDDEN RED KRYPTONITE!!!
And so we end with Superman gaslighting Lois into believing that he wasn’t seconds away from boning the fake Wonder Woman.
What a story indeed, Lois.
Historical significance: 0/10
So we’re just going to drop the fact that there are aliens that visits random planets to give them the formula to create food out of anything, right?
Silver Age-ness: 1099/10
If you wonder why I’m still listing these issues under this era, THIS IS WHY.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
God bless you, Robert Kanigher. You sweet weird genius of nonsense.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
I know Mod Wonder Woman kind of sucks, Lois, but did you REALLY expect to take her down!?
Interesting letters: you could’ve saved some ink by just writing “WHO GETS PAID TO WRITE THIS!?”, Meredith.
